CALIFORNIA HAS MIRRORS EN ESPAÑOL

Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.8

GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD

ill send blog-postcards.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.8

THE NAKED COWBOY HOLDS A NAKED PRESS CONFERENCE WHERE HE TELLS AMERICA THAT HE MEANS NAKED BUSINESS

He's trading his bikini briefs for legal ones. The Naked Cowboy filed a lawsuit Wednesday against the Naked Cowgirl, claiming she stole his idea and is sullying his name. The tighty-whitey wearing Times Square stalwart, whose real name is Robert Burck, claims his female competitor muscled in on his turf in 2008 and is "devaluing a real American brand and Icon." "No one else should be profiting off the Naked Cowboy brand," said Burck's lawyer, Joe Jackson. "This woman is confusing tourists and destroying the brand." Burck filed the trademark infringement suit against the cowgirl, whose real name is Sandra Brodsky, in Manhattan federal court. Burck said his idea - which he trademarked in 2000 - is about clean, wholesome fun. He claims the cowgirl is tarnishing the name with her antics. "She has been observed using visual profanity (flipping the bird at the camera) when photographing with people in Times Square," the lawsuit states. "This is inconsistent with the manner in which the Naked Cowboy conducts business."

The Naked Cowboy is dropping the Naked Hammer on this Naked Cowgirl Bitch of an Impostor. This is Naked Bullshit! Naked Cowboy is about "clean, wholesome fun" where you aim your 'pointer' at everyone passing by. It's not about some girl shaking her boobie tassles at everyone. This is the *new* Times Square, not the 1970's Times Square. Wait, wait...Naked Cowboy already lets one woman call herself the Naked Cowgirl? what does she look like?.... So he let's her strut around next to him in NYC but not the OTHER Naked Cowgirl? What does she look like?... - - - - - - - - Hmmm, there is some kind of subtle difference between the two women but I can't quite put my finger on it...does one not have teeth? Anyway, here's the Naked Cowboy in action. The guy is pure balls. No pun intended.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

I personally LOVE how the Naked Cowboy carries himself. Just listen to the lines he drops its fucken hilarious. First he just completely disregards anything the woman said in her introduction and just breaks into a quick little cowboy jam. Then the women stare at his junk and he's like, what do I eat for breakfast? Intensity! Modesty? There's not room in my underwear to carry any modesty. Huh? I got a question for Fitness magazine, What took ya so long? (FLEX) After breakfast I go to the gym and do reps of one exercise until everyone is staring at me. I need to wear two pairs of underwear...for my protection, and yours. (FLEX)

THURSDAY-SHOT-WITH-A-BASEBALL-BAT!

For this week's shot I ask a little trust from you, because it is the Peanut Butter Jelly Time shot. No one EVER believes me that this shot tastes EXACTLY like a PB&J sandwich but it does...if your Mom was trying to kill you and made your PB&Js with just a hint of paint thinner so that investigators could never find such tiny traces of the poison that killed you. INGREDIENTS: Frangelico (the monk) Chambord Let these two mingle on ice together until nice and frostay. This is one of those things that once you do it, you'll know why, but until you try it you won't believe that it's actually good. Like I used to eat at Wendy's and get three 5-piece chicken nuggets and one large chocolate frosty. Then I'd dip the nugs in the frost and eat it. I called it "The Frost Bite." People at the restaurant looked at me like I was special needs (like anyone who eats inside a Wendy's is in a position to judge) But then again, I started dipping everything in the frosty; french fries, the #6 spicy chicken sandwich, even JBC's. Even my converted friends would slap the JBC out of my hands and tell me I needed help.

A MONSTER ADDICTION

BOSS: C'mon man, you can't show up to work like this anymore Wally! WALLY: I'm fine man, i'm ffiiine mmmmm BOSS: Those bags under your eyes are so big you'd have to check em at Logan. I can't keep making excuses for you. WALLY: I just had a long night last night, I'm good. BOSS: Were you messed up when you did those Coollatta ads? WALLY: It was time to make the donuts baby. BOSS: Wally go get some fresh air and w--- WALLY: gimmie them tittieeeess! FEMALE EMPLOYEE: No! Wally, Stop it! WALLY: Cookie Monster wants some milk bitch BOSS: That's it, I'm calling the cops! WALLY: Fuck the Police, fuck the police just tryin to get down My hopes in writing this hard-hitting, short fictional piece of another Red Sox member goin to rehab, is that you will never be able to look at the giant billboard ad again without thinking that Wally is messed up.

SHAQ WITH A CLASSIC PICK 'N ROLL

Even that woman in the lower right-hand corner knows that Shaq is postin up in Affleck's shit. If I showed this photo to someone who's never heard of any of these people, which two do you think they'd say were shaq'n up? Affleck looks like an adopted man-son. Your marriage just got Shaq'd son, How's Jennifer Garner's ass taste?

THE WEDNESDAY WEBSITE

Today’s featured website is one that has its roots directly ingrained with my own. We both started our blogs in a class we took together as part of a semester long project because, well because we had to really. But now that we are both read by the masses and adored by the billion-millions we just can’t seem to call it quits. Today’s website is the one and only Beyond Fenway. It’s run by our resident funny man The Dirty C40. He’s actually just C40, and I’m not sure whether he likes being called the Dirty C40, but that’s what I call him because he's the sicko who sends me Monkey Rainbow Porn. Beyond Fenway is a prime example of why I am a straight C student. Just look at his fucking blog, It’s sick! There’s a picture in the background, links, useful information and correct grammar. It is really a great site and for all my friends who are huge Sox fans, this site is an up-and-comer that you should check out daily. C40 gets press-box tickets to some of the minor league games which gives him inside knowledge. The long-and-short of what C40 tries to do is “put a spotlight on the Minor League Baseball teams in New England, to show that there are other local, fan-friendly, big-time baseball options within reach, that won't break the bank.” (yes I’m quoting his mission statement) Because a trip to Fenway really does fucking put you in the poorhouse.C40 recently talked about seeing a promo in New Britain which would get you 4 tickets to the game, 4 sodas, 4 dogs and a program for $40. 40 dollars for 4 people, you can’t take a piss at Fenway without spending 40 dollars. Which is exactly why my man wants to introduce options Beyond Fenway Park. At his website you can find all starting pitchers, all scores of recent games, he even tweets. The motherfucker TWEETS! You are talking up to the second Minor League baseball information and since half the Sox lineup is rehabbing right now, C40 will be able to let you in on the Who, What, When, Where and How to see Major League talent at Minor League prices. Check out the premier blog for Minor League Baseball in New England at: Beyondfenway.blogspot.com

BRING ME THE FUNNY CONTEST IS OVER, DECISION BY KNOCK OUT

Alright so it may seem like I'm slobbin on C40's nob right now, especially considering he's about to be announced as website of the week (so stay tuned), but I have to declare this week's BRING ME THE FUNNY CONTEST over by knock out, DOWN GOES FRAZIER!! I have to revisit my earlier post where C40 conceded from the race because I realized that he wasn't actually "conceding;" he is just so modest and humble in victory. He makes it look EZ. I mean, this is gonna earn him accolades from the 6th Man Award, MVP, Pulitzer Prize, maybe even The 7th Man Award. I'm disappointed in myself because it took me a second viewing, because the first time I watched it while half-asleep. Without a doubt this video of the Monkey face-raping a frog while Double Rainbow guy's voice is dubbed over it is the funniest video of the week. I just ate a big ol' calzone with a side of fish 'n chips with my brother and watched this video again, I laughed so hard I almost threw up. I think that this video is our generation's version of when you listen to Dark Side Of The Moon while watching The Wizard of Oz... everything syncs up perfectly. When the monkey first gets his little monkey in and starts moaning "Oh My God's"... Then the guy starts wailing at the same time the monkey starts wailing. and the "WOOOOOOOOOO!!!" is at the EXACT moment the monkey starts hurricaning that poor little frog. I got goosebumps and cried laughing at the same time. I mean, if C40 keeps bringing the heat like this, nobody has a chance. I don't want to say the 'D' word just yet, but I think right now is the beginning of some kind of era. Right now the only thing anyone can do is look to place second on Friday. Sidenote: I'm gonna start saying "Oh Yeah--Double Rainbow---ALL THE WAY!" right when I start having sex. My girlfriend already banned from from saying "Booyeah" whenever we get naked and I've been looking for another go-to phrase... I think I just found it. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWHOOWHOOWHOOO!

WILL MOSQUITOS GET THE GROUND ZERO TOLERANCE POLICY?

This discussion of the potential Mosque at Ground Zero is hitting its boiling point, and notably so when it was just announced that The War on Terrorism's spending has topped 1 trillion U.S. dollars. I actually heard we were gonna have a 1 Trillion-Dollar-Mark Party but for some reason couldn't muster the funds. Just that figure right there, 1,000,000,000,000 should kind of let these Mosque advocates know that Americans are still pretty sore over 9/11. I just feel as if the pro-Mosque side had the time and resources to plan a building site just a lil' further away than two city blocks. They could have picked their battle in this one. What if a German military base where future rearmament may take place was built next to Auswitz… What? No good? I thought the Jews had a sense of humor… Now I know that the opening of this post makes me sound narrow-minded and a little exaggerating, sssooo here's the swing: I think that the majority of educated individuals will agree that Mosques are neutral places of worship, that’s just the facts. But it should also be noted that the facts include that Ground Zero is not neutral. It is harrowed ground and it is literally the ONLY FUCKING SPOT in America where anyone would object to anything being built. People have objections to whether or not towers should even be rebuilt at the actual site, let alone a Mosque overlooking the area. Now I am an American who is all about Toleration, and if this Mosque does go through I think it not such a terrible thing. Because what more of a moral victory could Americans win than allowing a place of worship to a peaceful religion, BEHIND which hid the 9/11 planners/hijackers, be built near Ground Zero? There's none, it'd be like shaking our dicks at them. Fuck You Fuckheads, we'll bomb you extremists and we'll hug all your peaceful Islamic brothers and sisters. But I think it should also be brought to the attention of these Mosquitos that 9/11 is a term known world-wide, W. Bush made sure of that by saying it over and over and over again. He actually hit the 1 Trillion mark waaaay before the spending-campaign did. And that building a Mosque near Ground Zero is blatantly going to cause controversy. It's not a question of right and wrong, or tolerance or ignorance: it's just such a dickhead move given the current rift between America and the predominantly Muslim Middle East. And give me a break with ANYONE who’s like, “What do they mean Mosques are associated with terrorism!? Muslim-Terrorist? What’s that, never heard of one.” I keep seeing videos of the men who have been worshiping at the potential-site for a year saying that to link Islam and Terrorism together is absurd. Just tell that guy to Go to Blockbuster, walk to the ACTION section, look for a film from the 1980‘s and then watch it. Now tell me that there are not ties between Islam and terrorism. Just my old friend The Facts, again. You know what I'll save you the trip to the video store and just show you what you'll see: The universal image that comes to mind with the term TERRORIST: And the universal image that comes to mind with HERO: Again, THE FACTS. I don't feel bad voicing my opinion on this one because I think it’s well-established that I am neutral and tolerating of all kinds of people. I truly do wish for World Peace. Earth would be a better place if we could all just relax and have a few laughs before we die. But World Peace is not anywhere in sight right now. But I'm not losing any sleep over it because I've offered two fool-proof plans for peace in my Peace in the Middle East post. If you try my plans and they fail, then and only then will I join in the passive For-Peace movement by holding hands and singing and waving signs at politicians.

CLASS? YEAH, C40 KNOWS A LITTLE SOMETHING ABOUT CLASS

So C40 has taken this week off. He wants to spread the glory around, just the kind of guy he is. But he had some parting words: C40 said... OK, I'm taking my name out of contention this week, but sticking with the ferocious Double Rainbow trend on the internet, here is a jaw-dropping vid of a monkey trying to bang a frog, with Double Rainbow guy dubbed over it...this may NEVER get old... So he's doing it Vegas style; going out on top...for a week. Imagine being the best, going out on top, and then delivering a swan song for the ages, one that won't even be bested in the near future, ladies and gentlemen, I give you Double Rainbow Song dubbed over Monkey fucks Frog, presented by C40:

CAREFUL, WALKING ON THIS SIDEWALK MAY RUIN YOUR DAY

Fix it? why? As long as we give them a good heads up like "Dont let the sidewalk crumble under your feet" we're good.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.8

IT'S MONDAY, BRING ME THE FUNNY

Alright so last week TheC40 came at us with the epic Double Rainbow Duo and it will be very hard to impress me anymore than with that video. I am still listening to it on loop right now,,, "whadoes this meeean? sssso bright SO ViVid" While the contest went off with few hitches, there were some gripes about "rob jobs" and "money passing hands," but I assure you that I run a straight contest here. Alls you got to do is Bring me the Funny. So who's gonna win this week's demented version of America's Funniest Videos? I got a feeling we are going to be looking at a Grudge Match... Tim from over at Relax and Take Notes and The Dirty C40 trying to stay up top, but just like any Great Grudge Match, I need a Dark Horse, so don't be afraid to jump in with an entry. I watch them all and post the funniest this coming Friday. Who's it gonna be??? Send all of your funniest videos/pictures/captions/links/e-mails/porn to <<<< sonoffuzzy@gmail.com >>>> (that's me)

DON'T CALL IT A "COMEBACK"

I keep reading stories about Tiger's come back. Come back!? Dude , Tiger’s “come back?” what!? Come back to what? First off, there's no way he's getting all that come back (buh-bump-ttchhh) What we are witnessing here is a fucken dying man. Imagine getting paid trillions of dollars to play a leisure sport with unnecessary intensity, and instead of everyone calling you a dickhead like what happens to me at family outings, they call you the fucking best athlete in the world. Like if I get too pumped-up in a game of bocce ball my family won't play with me and tells me "take a time-out to cool my jets." WELL THESE JETS ARE ALWAYS BURNING, BABY!!! But Tiger Woods Y'all plays golf like he's going to war and they shovel money into his mouth with a golden shovel. He had a beautiful, loving wife with two kids which gave him this perfectly-pure image. and all along while he's wearing his halo he was sneaking out the back-door banging everybody. Every. Body. Didn't matter if you were clean, dirty, pornstar, cocktail waitress...the only pre-req was "white." But he just stuck his dick in every hole. He gave a completely different meaning to the phrase "playing 18 holes without the wife knowing." Not like he was trying to hide it though, there were pictures of him necking with waitresses in full bars. So I axe ya this...how can he possibly want to live any longer? What does he have to 'comeback' to? How can you go from that life to any other life. It's impossible. He went from an international playboy of 007-status to the international hallmark of shame. I wouldn't be surprised if he called a press conference and then blew his brains out at the podium.

NUDIE MAGAZINE DAY! NUDIE MAGAZINE DAY! NUDIE MAGAZINE DAY!

(CNN) -- Sports reporter Erin Andrews has filed a lawsuit alleging the hotels where a peephole stalker secretly videotaped her were negligent, according to a statement from the law firm representing her. The lawsuit also accuses Michael David Barrett, who has pleaded guilty to stalking the ESPN reporter, of invasion of privacy and intentional infliction of emotional distress. "Not only did the hotels confirm that Ms. Andrews was intending to register as a guest, but they also released, without Ms. Andrews' consent, her room number. The hotels then provided Michael David Barrett a hotel room immediately adjacent to hers," the statement from law firm Greene, Broilett & Wheeler said. "Although I'll never be able to fully erase the impact that this invasion of privacy has had upon me and my family, I do hope that my experience will cause the hospitality industry to be more vigilant in protecting its guests from the time they reserve a hotel room until they check out," Andrews said in a statement Thursday. Barrett pleaded guilty to a federal stalking charge in December 2009 after prosecutors accused him of altering hotel peepholes so he could shoot video of Andrews while she was nude. In court papers, prosecutors stated that Barrett -- an insurance company employee from Westmont, Illinois -- posted as many as 10 videos of Andrews to the internet. In March, a federal judge in Los Angeles, California, sentenced Barrett to two and a half years in prison. Yeah Erin, it'll be tough to erase those millions of dollars you've made as a result of your thrust into the limelight, and your poor family. Sorry mama Andrews return the fur coat and give me the keys to the Beamer. How could she possibly claim that this incident was detrimental to her life or career? yeah, maybe if she took off her panties and turned around and a giant dick swung-slap against the peephole. Then maybe it would have been no good, as Erin appears to be an anatomically well-constructed female. But this peepholing-Tom gets 2 1/2 years? Does anyone else think that's excessive? The US penal system is the most fucked in the world, aren't there convicted pedophiles who skate free around town jacking off in libraries??? At least if you're going to punish people, do it consistently. Like in the Arab world this guy would be stoned to death, but in comparison to the other punishments, it is fair and just. If you steal, you get your hand chopped off. If you try and steal the Princess, you get death. They cut off your ear if they don't like your face, it's barbaric but, hey, it's home...And yes maybe my only lens into the Arab world is Disney's Aladdin, a grossly-inaccurate depiction of Arab culture , but I think I get the gist of it.

THE FIRST WINNER OF THE WEEKLY "BRING ME THE FUNNY CONTEST" IS DECIDED

Okay, so first off, THANK YOU to everyone who submitted and thank you for reading. I got many more e-mails than I expected. And for one thing, I'm so happy I"m gonna start doing this because I got sooo many funny ass videos that I'd never saw before and probably wouldn't have... I definitely think it may be time to stop playing Xbox so much …there’s a whole Internet outside... I'm gonna run this quick countdown Bob Saget-style (complete with saying "Whoa, that's gotta hurt!" and "In the NUTS!" in funny voices) by starting withe the runner-up videos and then announcing the winner...I had a tough time picking between these two entries because they are both double-videos. Some entries I got were funny but not like these few: The runner-up came from our boys over at Relax and Take Notes Thunder Chief- Hey there, first time caller long time fan. Keep up the good work. Hopefully here are a few videos you can use down the stretch for the blog. Keep up the work, bang up job you're doing. Luff you Not sure if you've seen these, but what do you think? 1. Is that crazy person a he or a she? 2. Where are they going? 3. Is that person holding the camera a girl with short hair, or a boy that has girly tendancies? The Take Off The Landing I got a flight next week and I’m praying this woman sits the in row across the aisle from me. And if she isn’t then I’ll just have to fill in for her and start doing fucked up rituals. Dude, when says "RIDE ON!" as there about to land; it is so bad ass. How about the guy next to her? Didn't even blink, he must be taking Abilify. Imagine if had anxiety about flying? He walks onto the plane and counts the rows until he finds his seat and this old bag is having a schizophrenic-orgasm screaming "RIDE ON BABY!" That could be a bad trip. and NOW,...the WINNER,....of the first Annual-Weekly BRING ME THE FUNNY...>VIDEO OF THE WEEK,....ahdrummroolll palleeezzzeee.... DOUBLE RAINBOW DUO! From my boy The Dirty C40: OK, I think the second link is where the true funny comes in, but it's only good after watching the first link...which is equally hilarious... ORIGINAL RAINBOW “It was rainbowing for at least an hour on January 8th 2010. It was incredible. The camera could not capture the vivid intensity and brightness.” hungrybear9562 just said that. rainbowing. is it even a word?? well it is in my dictionary now. Double complete rainbow tripling…so intense. I had to find out more about this guy so I Googled him and found his YouTube page. Someone went on to this YouTube video and commented that they wished more people like this who had appreciation for nature were around….but this guy seems to just be in AWE of literally EVERYTHING. Watch this next clip I found, it's like he as intensely vivid love of everything, but in an A.D.H.D.-mode. "LOOK BAMBI...MY DOG--A TURKEY? MORE TURKEYS? LOOK AT ALL THOSE-- A MOON!??!? MY FRIEND! OH MY GOD A CAMERA!!!! ZOOM BUTTON!" So the reason that the DOUBLE RAINBOW entry from TheC40 pulled down the blue ribbon is because of the other video sent with it, THE DOUBLE RAINBOW SONG. listen to this fucken double rainbow song. It was almost as if this all happened just to be made into a song. Awesome awesome awesome. I literally watched the double rainbow song video and had the same exact reaction as the guy in the video that I was watching. “Oh my GOD! It’s the double rainbow video song… so intense… oh my god…. What does “What does it mean”…MEAN!?" I know that I just heard this song for the first time today, but it's already entered my life in a big way, like I'm thinking ringtone? or entrance music...maybe my wedding song? So without further ado, here it is... Words fall short. My joy can not be described. Imagine having diahrea while watching the Hindenburg burst into flames...and that is the opposite of how I feel when I listen to this song. I will never Love anything so completely as I do this song (sorry Honey!) DOUBLE RAINBOW TECHNO JAM I got goosebumps...I'm like an audience member in one of those Worship-Music infomercials just raising my hands skyward with an Abilify-smile on my face! Thank you again to THEC40 and Tim and Ricky at Relax and Take Notes for bringing the videos in a big way!

THURSDAY. SHOTS. DO IT. DOO IT.

This shot is dangerously good, I call it "The Oranje you glad it gets you drunk?" It's the same exact taste as one of those orange-flavored chocolates wrapped in foil. Except it gets you drunk. Ingredients: Keel.One.Oranje Van.Gogh.Vodka Dutch Chocolate flavor Creme de Cocoa shake over ice a BEEYEWTIFULL tasting shot. you could probably use Stoli O as a substitute, but I think that the Van Gogh is essential. You'd lose the flavor of the shot if you didn't do the Gogh. This was originally a cocktail on the Mr. D's list. Good stuff if you drink it as a martini.

WEDNESDAY'S TODAYSNAY'S WEBSITE

Today i want to feature stand-up comic Geoff Keith's website. This is a kid who I think should get a little more play time. I saw him at UMASS Boston in the Fall of 2009. There were only about 50 people at the show because UMB is wicked good at advertising events (i found out about the show 45 minutes before it went on) so the crowd was small and was sitting inside a ballroom designed to hold hundreds. But this kid got onstage and lit up the room, he had everyone laughing, even me and I was all the way in the back corner. If I had to describe his style, I'd have to make a comparison which is good/bad. It's only bad because I have to say that he reminds me of Dane Cook. The 'good' is that Geoff Keith is what Dane would be if he had wit and not just a strong alpha-male presence coupled with on-stage energy. Geoff is very natural and has that class-clown kind of energy that can turn us all into giggling school girls. Right now he's acting on MTV's Disaster Date. It's pretty limiting but you can see the kid's natural comedic sense because the show is all improv. I think the show is hit or miss, some are OK and some episodes suck. he's played back up roles in films bit nothing on his terms yet. Like I said, he doesn't get much attention so there's not many clips of him, but this clip shows why he's good. From the instant crowd work, his relaxed attitude that relaxes crowds, and his way to work his joke into the moment. Very funny guy, Geoff Keith. I guarantee you'll see more of him on the big screen in the near future.

ACTION-MOVIE BARROOM BRAWL SCENES

American Ninja 4 was on last night, what an EPIC 80's B-Action Film. Mike Dudikoff was one of my idols growing up, absolutely no joke. Some kids looked up to Jesus, I looked up to Dudikoff. AN4 had it all: parachuting; ninja fights in the middle of fields; ninja training compound; American POWs to rescue; an old British bad guy; the quiet guy who kicks everyones ass; and of course "The Action-Movie Barroom Brawl Scene." But the last time that I saw this movie was when I was probably 8 or 9. So I'm watching last night and started laughing at the bar fight scene because it occurred to me that it was some martial arts master beating down a bunch of drunks. But then I thought how that's the way in basically all action movies. Notice how the tough guys in movies always get shown walking into a bar and whooping ass? It's cause they're all shitfaced... it's usually like noon time and the guys are all fucked up, obviously alcoholics, and usually their bartender talks some shit to the tough guy then sics his drunks on him. Some drunk slob slurps all the meat off a chicken wing in one bite then hobbles over "Let me at 'em!" The bartender has to turn him in the right direction. Then the "hero' instead of being like, "c'mon you're drunk man, let's not do this." he sets up and gets in a martial arts fighting stance like he's in the dojo, exhales to a ready stance....the drunk goes to exhale but pukes in his mouth a little bit. Then he goes to pass out but the hero thinks it's an attack-move and reacts with lethal force. Poor guy probably just wanted to play some Keno and watch Sportscenter on his day off. And his bartender gets him Fucked up by a Martial artist. Don't get me wrong, Barroom brawl scenes are still awesome, but I think they just get used too much. Like if the writer wants to show how tough a character is then he puts him in a bar, because it's a "seedy" environment, then the main character beats the hell out of some guys making him a tough one. But sometimes it's just laughable. Hell, even Casey Affleck beat some dudes up in Gone, Baby Gone. He's all "Oh beer and Keno at noon fellas?, blah blah blah BANG!(GUN-CHOP TO THE FACE!)" What a cheap shot on a few poor alchies. But the King of the sober-barroom fight was Stephen Seagal. He always unnecessarily fucked guys up. He walks in and struts around preaching like a Principal would to a 3rd grade classroom just provoking the shit out of everyone. One of his better scenes was this one, and like I pointed out, all of these guys "attacks" are pretty questionable. And actually the first guy isn't even looking, Steve just rips him off the bar, I think that blue tank-top was just trying to see if his partner was okay. oh and listen to the instigating bartender: I don't care how swollen my beer-balls are, If I watch 2 guys get completely dismantled by one man...I'm not gonna be #3, not even if I have a gun. Most of these heroes look pretty well-built, Seagal is like 6'6". Does #3 really think he just got lucky punches with Bubba and Hank? He's obviously professionally trained. Needless to say, #3 usually suffers a broken nose and/or an arm twisted behind the back until it POPS! Then there is, not always, but sometimes a guy #4 who takes off his coat. Universal Soldier had a #4 (kind of hard to call him #4 though, because the #3 didn't have much of a showing, he could almost be considered collateral damage) For some reason #4 guy always takes his coat off like "I got this", like that's the missing piece of the puzzle, the coats were slowing the drunks down. First you see #4 stand up while watching, then after #3 gets his face broken, he rips teh coat off / throws it behind him / and charges...faceplant into a jukebox The one barroom fighter I've mentioned that I'd go after is Casey Affleck in Gone, Baby Gone. I would have snuck up on that little pussy and jammed a Keno pencil in his jugular, push all 2 inches in so the surgeon couldn't find it. No one talks shit about Keno. And to wrap this post up, I want to show the video of Handsdown the best BRB scene of all time! It comes from Kickboxer in which Jean Claude Van Damme, the muscles from brussels, gets shitfaced, grinds on some Thai ass (feeelin', ooh-ah, so hot tonight!) and then ruins a bunch of guys, ON AN EVEN/DRUNKEN PLAYING FIELD. I love when he does the split like "What's the capital of China?" HUH? "BANGKOK!" (click it to the 1:40 mark for the bar scene)

ISRAEL ARMY'S SUPERLIMINAL ADVERTISING

Remember on an episode of the Simpsons when the Navy recruiters put "Join The Navy" in a pop-song backwards, and it was middle-eastern women singing "eee-van- eht - nii-oj" And he called it subliminal advertising? Then he points to a billboard and says it's liminal advertising, and then he opens the window to the office and points and screams at Lenny "HEY YOU! JOIN THE NAVY!" and says it's super-liminal advertising, well Israel's army has done all three in one with this video (which is actually 100% real): Sign me the fuck up! Do I have to be Jewish to be in their army? I look Jewish kinda, and so what if there's an unending conflict over religious entitlement to land versus religious holyland protection from infidels that could erupt because of outside forces exacerbating the situation and the world's seams will burst open with hellfire and nuclear warmth? The Israel Army looks hellafun, where do I put my Herbie Hancock? Just because war kills doesn't mean it can't be fun. (Editor's Note: I'm a douchebag for saying 'Editor's Note' The Actual Editor's Note: Just because this was Tick Tock doesn't get Ke$ha off the fuzzy hook)

BRING ME THE FUNNY CONTEST

Here's something I want to try. Starting on the Monday Morning of every week (well, Tuesday this week) I'm gonna hold an entry contest. Anyone who reads this blog or who just comes across this post is up for the challenge. I'm looking for the funniest videos, images, jokes, anything out there on the web. And not something that's too popular, I want to see knew stuff. Exotic ass videos...candid photos, even personally made things that no one in the world has ever seen. But if someone sends me something like the Baby Samba dance then I'm gonna cyber-slap you. For an example of what will win, the one and only, "Don't Fall Asleep At A Baseball Game:" Top That! send entries to <---> sonoffuzzy@gmail.com <====> For videos: make sure I can either embed the video or at least link directly to it. Oh, and tell me who I should give credit to a name, alias, nickname, email, website, etc. The winning entry will be posted on Friday to take into the weekend.

JUST FOUND MY NEWEST SINECURE

All in. I'm about to give pokerstars.net an education. Pokenomics 101, fuzzy style.

PRINCE HAS SPOKEN

(Yahoo.com) "The Internet's completely over," Prince declared to England's Daily Mirror, sounding like he's ready to party not quite like it's 1999, but more like '79. "I don't see why I should give my new music to iTunes or anyone else [digitally]. They won't pay me an advance for it, and then they get angry when they can't get it....All these computers and digital gadgets are no good. They just fill your head with numbers and that can't be good for you." What a fucking idiot. I can't believe I didn't realize this before now. The internet is a thing of the past! Global communication? Instant information sharing? Those things are like rubbing sticks together. Thank GOD Prince is around to point this out, matter of fact just thank Prince...same entity. Look, while some people might say "Prince is bananas," I think that if anyone can distinguish between a passing fad and a trend with staying power when he sees it is Prince. Think about it; doesn't everyone wear frilly blouses nowadays? Haven't most people you know replaced their given names with symbols? I mean NO ONE watches Dynasty anymore. And, c'mon people, "numbers?" Who needs em? Just dance.

WHO THE HELL THINKS THAT THE AMERICAN DREAM IS DEAD?

So the New York Times wrote this article about a kid who just graduated college and can't find a job, so according to them the American Dream is dead. GRAFTON, Mass. — After breakfast, his parents left for their jobs, and Scott Nicholson, alone in the house in this comfortable suburb west of Boston, went to his laptop in the living room. He had placed it on a small table that his mother had used for a vase of flowers until her unemployed son found himself reluctantly stuck at home. The daily routine seldom varied. Mr. Nicholson, 24, a graduate of Colgate University, winner of a dean’s award for academic excellence, spent his mornings searching corporate Web sites for suitable job openings. When he found one, he mailed off a résumé and cover letter — four or five a week, week after week. Over the last five months, only one job materialized. After several interviews, the Hanover Insurance Group in nearby Worcester offered to hire him as an associate claims adjuster, at $40,000 a year. But even before the formal offer, Mr. Nicholson had decided not to take the job. Jesus, good thing they didn't write this about me... ____After his parents left to go to work son of fuzzy slept for several more hours. When he awoke he laid in bed until his morning wood went half-way down and then took his usual morning piss, an acrobatic stunt with the left-over driftwood. Then he went and sat in front of his Xbox and gamed with 10- 11- and 12-year olds from around the world; swearing at them, making them cry and telling them they're Mothers were sleeping with multiple ethnic partners when they would defeat him. ___The daily routine seldom varied. Mr. Fuzzy, aged 24 years, an alumni of several community colleges, and winner of nary scholastic awards, would then use his Dad's laptop to search the Internet's many pornographic sites. The flowers in his Mother's vase gently wept. Day after day, week after week. Wait until you hear what dinner time is like: But where it would really change, would be if someone offered me a job paying 40,000 dollars a year. I'd shovel shit in Hell for 40k! ok, maybe that's an exaggeration, but I wouldn't be turning it down then calling the New York Times to write a sob-story about me. Be a loser with some dignity...Nicholson. That's the New American Dream that idealists like you are trying to bury (hence the kick-ass paint workshop action up top). As of now, I kind of see myself as somewhere inbetween F. Scott Fitzgerald and Chazz from Wedding Crashers. Waiting for my dream job writing comedy to fall into my lap while doing absolutely nothing in terms of actually progressive effort. Aside from writing a blog which reaches, at least, 6 different people a week. Which is exhausting. So exhausting I'm going to go watch some porn and take a nap.

SHHOOOTAAHHH

RUNNING AROUND ROBBING BANKS ALL DRUNKED UP OFF SCOOBY SNACKS!!! Yeah hunny bunny! This Thursday's SHOT for the WEEKEND is one of my all time favorites. Now it takes a real drinker, like you need a stomach forged from weekends of binge drinking and late night eating to be able to handle this one, because it contains our old friend Milky. But the Scooby Snack is where it's at. Is there some kinda karma-G-love thing happening here baby, or what?... Scooby Snacks - bum-cheap Vodka (as recommended for all shots, why waste good V?) Baileys Irish cream Blue Curacao Whole Milk (i know it sounds gross just do it) Pour all these ingredients over ice and shake this shit until it is extremely cold, you want flakes of ice floating on top, like in a good martini. Use small shot glasses if your a pussy and cry about the milk. Then you get whacked, like, ZOINKS Scoob!

DEGENERATE GAMBLER GOES PRO

(i was trying to find an image to go with this post, but got sidetracked on the internet superhighway and found this vintage drunken midgets footage. so i'm just gonna use it instead of something relevant) (Yahoo.com) Maybe the odds of winning the lottery would be a lot better if Joan Ginther would stop buying all the good tickets. By now you may have heard of the Las Vegas resident, who you probably want sitting next to you when an asteroid, slungshot by aliens, is aimed at your plane. She recently cashed in a winning $10 million scratch-off ticket, making the lucky woman a four-time lottery winner. That's right, four times. And while she now lives in Sin City thereabouts, the multi-millionaire prefers her to buy her tickets in her home state of Texas. The state, like many others, is on track to having one of its best lottery years ever during tough economic times...and that might be a bad thing. But, more on that later. First, a look at Ginther's lottery loot so far, and the odds: •1993: $5.4 million (paid in yearly installments). Odds: 1 in 15.8 million •2006: $2 million (lump-sum payoff). Odds: 1 in 1,028,338. •2008: $3 million (lump-sum payoff). Odds: 1 in 909,000. •2010: $10 million (lump-sum payoff). Odds: 1 in 1,200,000. Does this make Joan a professional degenerate? Is it possible to be this good at throwing your money away? She must have used her initial winnings to implant a huge set of balls because you gotta be crazy to play the lotto nowadays. Because in times when the economy is shite, the state chokes the flow of winning lottery tickets down to a slow drip. Has anyone played Keno lately? Impossible to win. last time I filled my card out and handed it in the bartender just gave me a ticket that said "Sorry, Not A Winner!" back But one thing I do love about this story is Joan's panache. Those balls. You know that conversation people always have about "What I'd do with my money?" And some people say Buy a house and invest. Others say they'd make college funds. Some say they'd take a drug fueled jetliner on a non-stop global trip where they'd never touch down to land again and just keep refilling mid-air. (someone actually said that) But then you got that asshole, kind of like a iSmug reporter and right after YOU say how you'd selfishly spend your lottery winnings on a creating a one-of-a-kind bald-eagle-feathered-snuggy someone chimes in with "I'd give mine to charity" . sonofabitch. BUT NOT JOAN! She's like, How much did I win? 5.4 mill? Hmmm, Let it ride... Then she just keeps buying tickets, and even if she spent all of her initial 5.4 million, it was worth it because now she's worth 3x that much. Fuck the odds! and fuck everyone else too. It's Joan's money, and she wants it now. In his novel 1984 George Orwell wrote: "Heavy physical work, the care of home and children, petty quarrels with neighbors, films, football, beer, and, above all, gambling filled up the horizon of their minds. To keep them in control was not difficult." If he had included "blogs" then he'd have hit the nail on the head.

BACK TO THE FUTURE WAS YESTERDAY!

It was just brought to my attention that Back To The Future happened yesterday:

___:press play and let this groove in the background while you read:____ Back To The Future defined American culture. It had everything you wanted in a movie. It combined music with comedy. Science with fiction. Action/adventure with Black-Man-Overcomes-Adversity-to-become--THE MAYOR! I'm pretty sure this movie did for skateboarding what Freddy Adu was supposed to do for American Soccer. If BTTF comes on the TV, the clicker gets put down. Sometimes if I get bored I'll just run around town grabbing people by their collars screaming "SAVE THE CLOCK TOWER!!" it's a solid half-hour of fun. ...the POWER of Love, is a curious thing... Back To The Future is a movie that made me feel like those people who watched Avatar and wanted to kill themselves. Life is empty if you can't travel back in time, invent skateboarding, save your Mom from being raped and then rock a Prom's socks off with Johnny B Goode...and save a clock tower. The only blemish this franchise has was its Nintendo game. Now, little known fact (because it's not worth a shit) I am the best videogamer ever.(exaggeration) I have never lost...I've gotten screwed, but I've never lost. My current game is Worms on Xbox Live, and I'm one of the best players in the world...because only about 25 people play the game, but that's not important. What is important is that I spend most of my free time playing videogames. I'm even crossing my fingers that the first job interview I walk into that an aged, groomed business man will walk me into his office, sit me down, pull out my resume and look it over. Then his eyebrows will perk up and he'll ask, "Mr. Fuzzy, it says here that your Modern Warfare 2 Kill to Death Ratio is a 1.32?" "Well, yeah it's up there, and that counts all the nights when I got too drunk and team killed." "That's what this corporation needs...killers. High GPAs are for losers. " Then a sack of gold will fall into my lap,... but the one game in history I could not beat was Back To The Future for Nintendo. I don't even know what it looks like past Level 2. The Cafe sucked with Biff and the boys throwing soda bottles off my face. I think I beat Level 1 once and then got onto a street where there were oil slicks, benches, dogs, sewer caps flying at you. It was impossible.

THE WEDNESDAY WEBSITE

From now on Wednesdays I'm going to feature a kick-ass website and while most of the time it will be a porno-site sometimes it will be legit. Like todaysnay. (coin that shit: TODAYSNAY!) Now, I'm not gonna "front" and say that "hip-hop is my shit" because usually, I don't "play dat." Which is why I rely on Relax and Take Notes to keep me up to date. now i can go to parties, look at my notes and "drop knowledge" like "Hey, you guys seen that new Afrikan Bambaataa video for 'Freestyle?' You gotta give credit to NIKE, they killed it!" And my Grandma's all like "Did you say bumblebeetuna?" And I'm all DOOOUUUCHHHEEEE CHIILLLLLLLL The final analysis is that anyone who can legitimize "Boats 'N Hoes" by Huff 'N Doback are the A-Team in my book. relaxandtakenoteshiphop.com exudes class and kicks ass!

I'M JUST A REGULAR GUY WHO WRITES A BLOG...

You know what band I used to love? Dropkick Murphys. You know what band I hate now? Dropkick Murphys. I can't stand them. And I didn't mind when DKM stopped being Boston/Irish punk rock when they brought in a Scottish guy from New York to sing lead vocals. That kind of shit doesn't really matter to me. Nor did this stupid-ass band photo up top where they sit around an empty bar making 'what-ever-dude' faces (a la every band photo ever). But Why do bands even have pictures of themselves? People listen for your sound not your image (exception: Gaga). But if you're set on taking a band photo, how about a smile? at least look at the camera you donkeys. But what really turned me off of them for good was when I read an interview (which I can't find, dammit) with the back-up guitarist's back-up-back-up guitarist. This guy said something along the lines of "I'm just a regular guy who plays music for a living." Well that settles that, this guy thinks he's the ballz. Absolutely no way does this guy think he is anything less than a demigod. How much of an asshole do you have to be to say "im just a regular guy" in the first place? Oh, what like everyone in this world? Ever heard of "all guys created regular" ? It's in the Constitution idiot. Musicians aren't any better just because they wear goofy hats and buy their pants at Baby Gap. I can picture this guy walking into a bar where no one knows who is his and the bartender says, "Hey man what can I get ya?" Demigod: "Me? Nothing man, just a regular guy who plays music for a living. I don't want any special treatment or nothin. I'm just like you, dude. Just a regular joe lookin for a cold one so I can drink it with all you, er, common folk" When it comes to bands, I disregard the person themself, their politics, their birthday, their favorite books. The only thing I like about a band, besides their music, is their guitar solo face. Because GSF's rock. The guitar face is so cool it can even transcend instruments and works on pianos, cellos, even trumpets: Well, GSF doesn't really work for one instrument. Sorry violin:

AMERICA, YOU FAT SLUT.

I completely forgot about the 4th of July hot dog eating contest. I love watching it because it is simply America at it's excessively bloated worst. And I'm not knocking my country for it, I'm just cynical. But it's so insane how other countries are starving and America has competetive eaters who try and stuff as much food into their bodies as humanly possible. I wonder if there are TVs in Africa where emaciated people watch this and cry. Kind of like if Gallagher had tried to take his comedy act on an African Tour. He'd wheel out a shopping cart full of fruits and vegetables in front of an audience and the people's eyes would light up and they'd be looking at Gallagher ready to worship him as a God. Then G-Man would start smashing fruit with his oversized mallet. Gallagher: Y'all ready to smash some fruit?! Ethiopians: What did he say? We can eat? Gallagher: Y'all bring yer ponchos! Ethiopians: What's the hammer for? BLAM! Ethipoians: NOOOO! Why does the God punish us? It would be mayhem. But this year I really missed out with the 4th of July contest, because apparently some shit went down: Brooklyn, New York (CNN) -- With only a sandwich and a glass of milk to fill his legendary stomach after a night in jail, one-time hot dog champ Takeru Kobayashi walked out of court Monday declaring, "I'm hungry!" Kobayashi was released on his own recognizance a day after he rushed the stage at the annual Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest, a competition that he had been barred from this year because of a contract dispute with organizer Major League Eating. Meeting with reporters after his hearing, he said, "I went as a spectator to cheer on my friends, and everyone was yelling 'let him eat,' so I was hoping they would let me eat and prove I am still the champ." After rushing the stage Sunday in a T-shirt that read "Free Kobi," Kobayashi was surrounded by police and taken away charged with resisting arrest, trespassing and obstruction of governmental affairs. Kobayashi says the eating contest had placed more restrictions on him this year, and he was protesting those restrictions. He says he couldn't even eat "quickly publicly" as a result. Joey "Jaws" Chestnut again took the Mustard Belt after swallowing 54 hot dogs and buns. In a statement, the organizer criticized Kobayashi's actions but also shared good wishes for the former champ. "Takeru Kobayashi's actions at the Hot Dog Contest in Coney Island were inappropriate and unfortunate, but it did not diminish Joey Chestnut's victory, or the holiday tradition that dates back generations," the statement from Major League Eating read. "Kobayashi was a great champion and we hope that he is able to resolve his current situation and move past this." Kobayashi will be back in court August 5. Major League Eating? America, you fat slut. And look at this picture of Kobayashi: Does he kind of remind you of a teenage mutant ninja turtle? Or of the guy from 300 who's all deformed but still wicked jacked? Those abdominal walls are working OT.

THE AMERICAN WE'RE ON DRUGS...I MEAN, WAR

Yeah, this guy looks mentally stable...marching through low-tide, hands in pockets, no shoes or socks, just grinning to himself like a crazy person. They should have just shown a picture of some guy wearing one of those propeller hats and eating his own shit. What was Abilify going for here? "Hey you can go back to normal life---as long as normal is walking around town like a grinning zombie drooling on yourself." These drug commercials are whacked. I get what they're going for, like this guy walking on the beach is supposed to be care-free and laid back. But if i'm gonna need to take a drug to make myself care-free, I'm doing whatever drugs homeless people do. Because that's my kind of laid back; completely abandoning all means of personal hygiene, debating squirrels, sleeping on steaming sewer vents for warmth. I do love the Valtrex ads/commercials though, strictly for entertainment purposes, there is just something about a person declaring to the TV-billion-millions "I HAVE HERPES" that tickles me. But I kind of wish that Valtrex used people who are actually afflicted, it would make it more realistic. And believe me, they're definitely actors in those commercials, I can tell. Watch next time and you'll see, it's very subtle but if you pay really, really close attention you see it -- Watch the boyfriend's expression when his girl says "I have herpes." He's got a big ol' Christmas-morning smile on his face....Hey guy, she didn't say you two are going to Disneyland--she said she has a rotting vagina. Smiles for miles. That boyfriend must be on a double-dosage of Abilify.

IT'S 4TH OF JULY WEEKEND!!! GO OUT AND GET AS DRUNK AS THIS GUY

Dude can barely walk, thank god he had his car.

SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS-SHOTS-SHOTS!!!

Thursday's Shot of the Week comes all the way from Orlando, FL. A few guys who were hell-bent on drinking way too much showed me this one. I have no idea why, but it is called THE DIRTY MEXICAN PRIEST. I hope to God it is called that because someone, somewhere drank too many of them and woke up next to a dirty Mexican priest. Buenos días, señor chiki-chiki! Quieres desayuno? Ingredients: 1 part Patron Cafe 1/2 part Bailey's Irish Cream Pour Patron Cafe in a shooter and float the Bailey's on top, so that the two are layared. Then get drunked up. P.S.! I Just watched the video for the LMFAO 'shots shots shots' song, and realized that the tall goofy guy jumping around the pool with the super-soaker-laffy-taffy is the guy who got knocked out by Mitt Romney! I knew he was smarter than he looked! I'm flying out to L.A. at the end of the month, and I am praying to God that someone note-worthy gets on the same flight, cause I'm gonna drop that motherfucker and start screaming my blog's http address. I don't care if it's a woman, say if Jenna Bush gets on the plane, I'm gonna fist fight her and then maybe the son of fuzzy blog will get more hits than people who just came here by accident because they Google'd "TV Sony fuzzy." Oh plus I got a TON of hits from Africa on that FBI Yahoo E-mail scam blog post from a month ago. They must be pissed that I blew up their spot

I WANT A HELLICHOPPER

The other day I saw a helicopter land in the UMASS Boston parking lot. First off, what the fuck kind of meeting at UMB could merit having someone choppered in? But I'm not gonna give anyone shit for that, like when Jane Swift got busted for using one, or when Ted Kennedy used it back in '05 to beat the traffic down to the Cape. What's the worst that could happen? Not like he was driving it. For all the shit that the Kennedy's get away with, I'm not gonna start complainging about a chopper ride. But everyone bitched at them for it. Because it's easy to call BS from a civilian's position. Because no one ever asks us “Sir, do you want to take the car or the helicopter?” : "" Hands down I would pick the helicopter and if anyone says they'd do different they're lying. Perform this test at home, ask someone, “Do you want to take the Car or the Helicopter?” and 8 out of 6 times it will go like this, “…the car or the helic--” “GET TO THE CHOPPER!!!” It’s a knee-jerk reaction, humans are predisposed to loving helicopters. I don’t care if I’m just going up to the corner store, if I got one then I’m taking the whirly bird. I just wish that pols could be more HONEST. Like when Swift and Kennedy got drilled they’re like "Oh, I’m truly sorry. It was irresponsible and wasteful in these hard times … blah blah blah." Dude, If I ever get pegged in a news conference and some asshole-reporter is like “Sir! Why’d you take the helicopter, sir?” “Ummmm, let’s see, because---oh yeah, I HAVE a fucking HELICOPTER?” You know what politican is gonna break this pussy-footing trend? Any guesses.... ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? BAM! Alvin M. Greene. Alvin Motherfuckin Greene baby! Al will be like "What do you mean why'd I take the hellicopter? Fucken serious? C'mon man, let's go, we're going for a ride. I'll show you those dirty pictures too." Alvin is the new mold of politician, the avant-garde, the humanitarian, the anti-intellectual, the brute. Someday I'll probably own a helicopter. And I'm am going to act out the Mr. Deeds scene every single time I fly. It would be wicked funny at first, but I’d keep doing it-and doing it--and doing it. It’d get pretty annoying. That's right Anderson!

"YOU CAN EVEN TOUCH ONE OF US"

"Can you come talk to us please?..... You can even touch one of us..." That's how Dave Tango rolls. Are these really the people who are trying to contact ghosts? And it's the SyFy channel again! This time they're trying to find ghosts in Congress Theater in Chicago. This is why we don't have contact with aliens, and why we don't have contact with ghosts, because these SyFy assholes are the ones trying to reach out to them. Get Cesar Milan on the case, he'd have every ghost in that theater dominated. And I bet like 9 out of 10 times that the sounds these people hear and the "ghosts" they chase around old abandoned buildings are just homeless people. Probably just some drunk trying to catch some Zzz's and he wakes up to these nutjobs. He's not answering them because he's got warrants out for his arrest, plus he doesn't want to get touched on. Later on in this episode they talked about how they saw something that the guy likens to "reflections off of sneakers"...like the ghosts wear LA Gear light-ups. Plus they say that the basement they're seraching has a bunch of gas leaks, and too much of the leaked gas can cause, and I do quote, "hallucinations." They say this in the same breath that they say they saw/heard a ghost. What fucktards. I wonder if Tango really thinks that's the best way to coax a ghost out of hiding. Like this ghost is around the corner with his back pressed up against the wall and he hears "You can even touch one of us...(cough)" Like ghost is gonna relax and be all about the encounter. If I had to guess this ghost hunter doesn't have the boogieman hiding in his closet.