So walking to work yesterday morning I stumbled upon this death machine. An Asian bistro on wheels. If there's anything scarier than one Asian behind the wheel of a car it's an entire Chinese food restaurant's staff behind the wheel. I think this may be the crux of ALL Boston traffic. But to give them some credit, they did nail the park job.
I think the name could use a little work, I'm thinking 'The Parking Lot Wok,' just something with a little more zip to it. Either that or 'Road Kill Grill.'
But you know what? I'm probably gonna the food. I'll try anything once I guess. Just gonna be sure those are grill marks on the boneless sparerib and not tread marks.
Okay, it's officially Christmas here on sonoffuzzy.blogspot.com. I don't care how many wreaths are hung, how many times i hear Mariah Carey's 'All I Want For Christmas,' or how many Salvation Army collectors I ignore. None of it matters. Because there is only one TRUE sign that Xmas has arrived and that is when the first Baby Jesus Theft of the year occurs!
And guess what...:
"BOSTON -- The baby Jesus has been stolen from a nativity scene in Ayer, and police are asking for the public’s help.
The figure was stolen from St. Mary's Church at some point on Sunday or during the overnight hours into Monday morning, according to the Lowell Sun.
Church officials said they just want the figure back; no questions asked.
Anyone with information should contact St. Mary's Parish at 978-772-2414 or police at 978-772-8200."
And, No, that's obviously not Live Footage of the house next door so for a more accurate visual try and picture twice as many people fitting into a house.
On the upside, at least they put a pool in the backyard:
Headlines are supposed to be attention grabbing, I understand this. But when a headline exclaims that scientists have found evidence that leads them to be 95% sure a big foot exists, you better have a fucking big foot to show me because you just created some big shoes to fill.
But no. Of course there's no big foot. Here's the article that I found after said headline:
"Scientists and yeti enthusiasts believe there may finally be irrefutable evidence that the ape-like creatures roam the vast Siberian tundra, reports the Guardian."
Just to stop you here for a minute, yeah they did say "scientists and yeti enthusiasts." That is your fucking source on the "Do Yeti's exist?" debate. A Yeti Enthusiast. What's he gonna sit there with his Chewbacca mask on and be like, "Eh, yeah ya know despite being a confirmed yeti enthusiast I just don't really think they exist. Oh and I'd also like to add "
OF COURSE A YETI ENTHUSIAST IS GONNA THINK THEY EXIST. but here's the rest of the article about from the Yeti convection:
"A team of over a dozen experts. from as far afield as Canada and Sweden, have proclaimed themselves 95% certain of the mythical animal's existence after gathering for a day-long conference in the town of Tashtago in the Kemerovo region, some 2,000 miles east of Moscow.
In recent years locals there have reported sightings of yetis, also known as the abominable snowman. The Kemerovo government announced on Oct. 10 that a two-day expedition the previous weekend to the region's Azassky cave and Karatag peak "collected irrefutable evidence" of yetis' existence on the wintry plateau.
"
Conference participants came to the conclusion that the artifacts found give 95% evidence of the habitation of the 'snow man' on Kemerovo region territory," read a statement. "In one of the detected tracks, Russian scientist Anatoly Fokin noted several hairs that might belong to the yeti," it added.
The group also discovered footprints, a presumed bed and various other markers.
The scientific community has historically disputed the existence of the yeti given scant conclusive evidence. But numerous sightings of such creatures have been reported in Himalayan countries and in North America, where it is know as sasquatch or Bigfoot."
Yeah, so that's how my days going. Talk about a let down...friggin Enthusiasts. This Yeti Realist is gonna go watch Harry and the Henderson and keep on hoping.
by the way, Harry is a son of fuzzy comedy blog enthusiast, he reads every day even if I don't post. you should too:
Now I don't usually follow celebrity gossip but it's pretty huge news that Justin Bieber was not the father of that deranged woman's baby (who accuses a 15 y/o virgin of being the father of their baby in the first place? amateur) I could give a a flying fuck either way but I really had hoped that the entire situation had ended on the Maury Show because that would have been the best Not The Father Dance EVER. capital PERIOD.
I thought it was gonna happen. Everything seemed in place, the stars were aligned but then nothing. The last time I was this disappointed was when Michael Jackson didn't do a Not The Pedophile Dance, although he did give us a tease.
But you know it's not my style to leave any readers feeling cheated so I've compiled some of the top Not The Father dances of all time.
To start, let me get this one thing out: LADIES - DO NOT DANCE WHEN YOU FIND OUT HE IS THE FATHER. You're already on national TV trying to find out what man is the father of your baby, and for those not good at reading in between the lines and also unfamiliar with the menstrual cycle, That means she fucked (*fucked, not "had sex") with like 4 guys in one weekend. This baby's life is already shitty but now its existence is being marked with a Stanky Leg on National Television. C'mon lady.
But onto the good stuff. Now I've never been told "You are NOT the father" so I can only imagine what they feel like but obviously there's no being all calm and cool about it. The "Act Like You've Been There Before" philosophy gets thrown out the window here. You have to go all out. Let's begin with a personal favorite,
The Not The Father Backflip. I LOVE this one. Guy just backflips after finding out that the sprout wasn't from his seed. AWESOME! And how much would you bet that this guy had never even tried a backflip before, like he was just so psyched that he figured "spontaneous flip time" and he somehow landed it.
This next guy below here is pretty cocky. Notice how he shoots out of the chair before Maury even finishes. He hears "You are--" and he just decides fuck it, I'm dancing. Confidence always gets you points.
This next one is a gem. Wilbur doesn't really execute too many maneuvers aside from the ass shake but, Hey, when you got your move, You got your move. Not only does he bump n grind on the mother of someone else's child but he also asses the motorized scooter off the stage. (and on a side note, how funny would it be for someone to chase after you in a scooter for emotional support. "Don't cry, come back, I'm here for you! [Vrrrrrrrrrrrrrr] )
Now this is bar none THE best fucking one, talk about stage presence. Like this guy busts out moves so good that the Maury Show had to go on a 40-minute break because an impromptu hip-hop show broke out. Like a serious show. So serious that some guy got shot which, as everyone knows, is the sign of a truly great hip-hop show. I bet this guy and the entire studio audience went out after and had a Not The Father BBQ at his house. Damn i wish i was there.
The only way someone could top Andrew this would be if you could somehow RickRoll the Maury Show.
And in case you're wondering, Yes, this is how i dance. It's the only way I know how.
Anyone have any good Not The Father dances that I should have put up here? Let's see em
Wonder if he was drinking Jaegermeister, would be kind of narcissistic, no? Jaeger bombs. Fucking jaeger bombs.
There's actually a pretty funny story about how they got the moose out of the tree:
(news.discover.com) -- "I thought at first that someone was having a laugh," he told The Local. "Then I went over to take a look and spotted an elk stuck in an apple tree with only one leg left on the ground."
Johansson initially thought about freeing the distressed animal himself, but its ferocious kicking and size quickly ruled out that idea. Keep in mind that moose are the largest living members of the deer family, with some adults weighing up to 1,580 pounds.
"I thought it looked pretty bad so I called the police who sent out an on-call hunter. But while we were waiting, the neighbors and I started to saw down some of the branches and then the hunter arrived with a saw as well," he said.
Thankfully the hunter wasn't looking for a kill this night, so he and the others did their best to comfort the stuck moose. The local fire department arrived next and came up with a clever solution. They bent the tree so that the now-exhausted moose could just slide out from the branches.
It looks like the moose collapsed on the ground after sliding from the tree. When the emergency services left, Johansson was asked to keep an eye on the woozy animal. After some time, he saw it stand up and slowly leave, although he suspects it's still lurking in the area, maybe hoping for another alcoholic cider kick after the moose's possible "day long bender."
But what they left out is the best part: The morning after. Some reports I read said the moose spent the entire next morning in bed, shades drawn, wearing sunglasses and pounding G2 Gatorade and ordering greasy calzones and Large hot subs from several take out joints. He also uttered the famous 7 words, "I'm never ever eating fermented apples again..."
But in the words of MacGruber, "Never ever say...Never ever."
"(LarryBrownSports.com ) -- At least five members of the Andover High (Mass.) basketball team have been suspended, and two have been expelled for their roles in an alleged hazing incident that took place over the summer.
Several players from the team attended a basketball camp on the Stonehill College campus in Easton, Ma. early July. At the camp, some upperclassmen allegedly forced younger players to participate in a hazing game where they were forced to eat semen-covered cookies.
They called the game “wet biscuit,” but it’s also known as “ookie cookie.”
The two ringleaders in the hazing were expelled from school. The other participants were suspended and can no longer play sports the rest of the school year. But the punishment doesn’t end there.
Andover Police are helping Easton Police investigate the alleged incident. Those convicted of hazing face up to a year in jail and a $3,000 fine. Anyone who witnesses hazing but does not report it faces a $1,000 fine if convicted under state law."
I played plenty of sports and I never once remember any form of hazing this extreme. I know I read about it enough but I'm just asking what the hell makes you want to feed another dude your semen? It's not even funny. We used to trick each other into drinking one another's urine. Now THAT'S funny. Other than that the most extreme hazing I was involved with was this one time we gave a kid a Ben Franklin hair cut but even then I felt pretty bad after because he had had a nice flow going. I don't ever remember anyone even suggesting we force some little kid to eat cum-covered cookies, although one time the cream sauce at a pasta party was a bit too creamy.
So now a few of these kids' futures are fucked. In this day-and-age of anti-bullying this is permanent record, jail time, felony shit. Instead of going to college on a sports scholarship they'll probably end up with some shitty job. And I do mean shitty. Because the shittiest, most demanding job I've ever had was as a cook and chances are you're not gonna get a job cooking if you have a criminal history that involves whipping up a batch of semen-glazed cookies and feeding them to people. These kids will be working Mike Rowe's Dirty Jobs-shitty jobs.
However, I don't think this incident should come as a surprise to anyone who knows a little bit about Andover High School, those Golden Warriors love human ejaculate. It's obvious. Take, for example, their last car wash fundraiser:
Or the student body's favorite band:
Or the school store's top selling item:
The evidence was right there in your eye the whole ti-- OOPS! Hold on, i'll go get you a towel.
On a final note, you kind of have to give these kids credit. I've heard of all sorts of ways to get semen to taste better--although it's usually for the ladies' sake. Pineapple juice, papaya, cinnamon, cardamom, kiwi, watermelon, celery...the list just goes on. But these kids took the brazen route of simply putting the semen right on a cookie. Genius. That's keeping it simple right there.
WASHINGTON D.C. (CNNMoney) -- Speaking in Washington at an international banking conference, Evangelos Venizelos said Sunday that his country will do "whatever it takes" to meet its financial obligations.
"Greece wants to make it and will make it," Venizelos told members of the Institute of International Finance. "We are ready to take the necessary initiatives, at any political cost."
Man, Greece is in a bad way. Everyone knows that "whatever it takes" means sexual favors. He sounds like a single mother with student loans and car payments. I wonder if the people of Greece are down with this or are they kind of ashamed that their Finance Minister just leaned into the proverbial car window of the Institute of International Finance and asked "wanna have a good time?"
I didn't quote all of it here because it was a bit lewd for a high-brow blog such as mine but Venizelos went on to use some really suggestive terminology. He spoke about Greece's "deep hole" and how they're willing to go "pro bono" to release the "massive load" from their country. Just nasty stuff. Just sick nasty, sweaty stuff.
They even had to cut the conference short because Venizelos starting breaking down at the podium and was making things very uncomfortable for everyone attending. I was actually able to get my mitts on some of the lost audio for my readers, check it out:
While the police report did not indicate that drinking was a factor in the horrific crash -- speed, the report said, may have been a contributor -- movie critic and prolific twitterer Roger Ebert sent out a critical message that some are calling insensitive.
"Friends don't let jackasses drink and drive," he tweeted around 3 pm EST. The message was met with a barrage of push back, including from blogger Perez Hilton's site.
"We certainly agree that driving after drinking is wrong, we think there's no reason - especially RIGHT NOW - that anyone should be pointing fingers or poking fun at a truly tragic situation," the site wrote. "Everyone makes mistake, and this is somebody's son. Too soon, Roger."
Around 8 pm, Ebert responded, defending his comment and the remarks of commenters on Hilton's site, many of whom agreed with Ebert.
"Perez Hilton's readers agree with me and not with Perez about my tweet on Ryan Dunn. He drank, he drove, 2 people died," Ebert wrote.
You can read the tweets of other celebrities, including some of Dunn's "Jackass' costars, in the slideshow below"
I can see both sides clearly from this fence I'm sitting on.
On one hand, Dunn is dead. I love those Jackass movies and I was watching the CKY videos way before Jackass ever hit so I literally grew up watching this guy Ryan Dunn. It sucks to lose someone who entertains us. Which is kind of why celeb deaths are big news. I personally will lose no sleep over his death b/c I'd never met the guy but I do recognize the tragedy because I'm familiar with him.
On the other hand, Ebert is just a natural critic. He's just tweeting cerebrally. Drinking and driving is a plague that happens every day. Even when you end up parked on your neighbors lawn and safe in bed...their bed...it was still just another tragedy diverted. So I have no problem with Ebert calling him out on driving drunk and canceling two lives.
On my third hand, now that I know Ebert likes to fight with the gloves I really wish I didn't hold back when he went through that cancer and lost his jaw...
"i heard the last movie Roger Ebert was was jaw-dropping"
"Nicolas Cage's 20-year-old son,Weston Cage, was taken to a Los Angeles-area hospital for a psychiatric evaluation after flying off the handle and getting into a violent spat in Hollywood yesterday. TMZquoted sources as saying that Weston went ballistic while lunching with his trainer after the latter told him he couldn't eat something on the menu. He then became aggressive and purportedly shoved the trainer. The trainer and another unidentified individual tried to calm the younger Cage down, but Weston tried to kick him"
This would be a story that might make people scratch their heads and be like "Why did he react like this?" or "Where is this behavior coming from?" But all those questions evaporate once the person involved looks like this:
Once i saw that picture i was like, Oh okay he's bananas. Next story.
But what I'd like to know was what was the thing on the menu that he was refused? I think everyone has a couple of things that if you were hungry and someone said you couldn't have it then you'd flip your lid. I know that I'd go toe-to-toe with someone for buffalo chicken nachos. I'd bite your ear off and use it as a nacho right in front of you. But for lil Weston Cage i'm guessing he probably tried to order a living buffalo chicken. Then the trainer stepped in to offer a side of sanity and got walloped.
Besides that my only question is What the Fuck took so long to have this kid psychologically evaluated?? Now there's a blame game going on back and forth with the Cage family but it's kind of a few years late.
Listen, If I'm a parent and I'm sitting at the breakfast table eating some cereal and doing the puzzle on the back of the box...then my son comes downstairs dressed like this kid here. I'd have to put the spoon down and have a quick father-to-son with him. Maybe that makes me a strict parent. But I'm pretty sure the opposite of 'helping' your son is to hire him a personal trainer and be like, "Oh yeah, sure wear make up and chains and spikes and also do these steroids, lift weights and get RIPPED so that when your repressed emotions finally become too much to hide with eyeliner you can simply kill everyone in the same room as you. Love you son!"
And on this same note, what's up with people getting trainers? Personal trainers are such a rich guy's thing. Whatever happened to working out like Mr T in Rocky III. Basement gym, pull ups on chains, sleep on stairs, chew on onions, interrupting public ceremonies by making lewd comments at women. America needs to toughen up.
So I'm over getting my daily dose of sports humor from howiGit.com and he posts up a review of the brand spanking new Dunkin Donuts Bluberry Waffle Sandwich. Needless to say, it is about as good as it sounds. He likened it to his Grandma's saggy skin. So I turned in a "long time, first time" comment and recalled the old Game Time Hero sandwich. He didn't remember it, and I could barely remember it myself. I just remember there being a breakfast sandwich with steak involved. Maybe some ham? Definitely cheese. And it was on a bagel. And it was G-U-D GUD! Does anybody else remember this? Because now I'm fiending for one. I tried Googling it and came up with nothing. And when Google pretends to not know what you're searching for...it's for a reason.
So I think to myself, what the hell am I gonna do about it? Isn't this what the City Upon A Hill is all about? Let's start this shit right now. I want Dunkin Donuts to bring back their only good limited time special ever. The Game Time Hero! Who's coming with me? HUH?!? This is what Obama was talking about, this is our generations cause. We gotta Win the future. And the future is the GTH.
I'm talking about taking the stage somewhere and going Mike Donnelly on everybody's asses
"G.T.H. TO THE PEOPLE!!!" and if we gotta kill whitey to get the GTH back, then Whitey is a fuckin dead man!
But in all seriousness, I need anyone interested in bringing back the most delicious sandwich from DD of all time to get in the mix. Leave a comment if you can find any details or remember any. At this point, I'm getting all psyched up and maybe I'm misremembering. Or imagining things. But I about 98% sure that 'Game Time Hero' and 'steak' were involved in some kind of DD special. Can anyone help me out here?
But either way, I say we do this over the summer and then by football season....we'll have the Game Time Hero back on the playing field.
Ok, so this picture above looks like your run-of-the-mill ad for jeans. But what about this one:
I don't think I'm too far off the mark when I look at this and say, "What the hell?" Are we seeing the Derelicte line finally coming to fruition? Or is this seriously Charlie Manson in the Corcoran State Prison fashion gala.
My guess is that this is what all jeans models look like--but usually you only see them from the waist down. You don't have to be a pretty boy to be a jeans model. You could probably just lure a homeless guy into the studio with the enticing offer of "Hey vagrant, want some pants!" Because if I'm a naked homeless guy, my answer is 'YES' at least half of the time.
SIDE BET: 20 USD says that the photographer who snapped this picture is laying dead in a gutter with his face chewed off by this maniac. Any takers? Because that look is one of a murderous vagabond who is hungry for some face.
If I could flip the switch off I would, like the clown boner. I wish I could see art but all I see is face-painted, sweaty rape. Now this ENC ad. How does anyone miss this? When the guy at the meeting was like, "Let's write "THINK HIGHER" and then superimpose it over a picture of a woman shrouded in smoke? That says 'University + Christian faith = ENC' right?"
(CNN) -- New technology to modernize America's aging air traffic system promises to help air traffic controllers, and may have prevented a recent tarmac collision between two aircraft at a New York airport, say experts.
As part of its "NextGen" plan to overhaul traffic management, the FAA plans to replace its current radar tracking system by 2020 with a more accurate GPS-based network.
With the new technology, pilots and controllers can see surrounding aircraft in real time -- without the 10-second delay that comes with the half-century old radar technology.
Hold on are you shitting me? They don't use GPS yet? My phone has GPS. What the hell are air traffic control rooms are still using radars for? This is fucking amazing news.
So some guy really just sits in the room and watches radar blips just hoping that planes carrying hundreds of people won't crash into each other? "Awwwwww whoawhoawhoawhoa WHOA! That was close. Man! Get on the tin can and tell Flight 88 to play the lottery tomorrow." I don't think I'm gonna ever fly again until 2020. And what the hell is going to take that long anyway? It is already in my cell phone! ...not bragging, just saying.
(CNN) - It was two years in the making for a television crew to get access inside one of the holiest sites of the Greek Orthodox world, the monasteries on Mount Athos in Greece. The cluster of 20 monasteries has remained perched on the cliffs high above the Aegean Sea for centuries.
In the monasteries, also known collectively as the Holy Mountain or The Garden of the Mother of God, the monks spend most of their time in prayer and are purposefully isolated from the outside world.
"A woman hasn't been allowed on the mountain for over a thousand years," said Bob Simon, correspondent for CBS News' "60 Minutes."
That prohibition against women even extends to animals, with the exception of cats who pull double duty as rodent control. The only food the monks import is cheese - because it comes from cows. Otherwise they all grow their own food on the island.
I need some of this in my life. Just a couple of dudes hanging in the mountains doin' cheese. Why aren't they chartering trips here? How have I never heard of this place before in my life? I need a one-way ticket to the GMG baby. Well, actually maybe make that a round trip...the whole 'no women allowed' thing could get pretty old, pretty fast.
But I can't wait to see this documentary. Guarantee that it shows some monks watching hardcore pornography daily. Because how else do men survive without women? Maybe a few monks are clicking all over sonoffuzzy.blogspot.com but besides that I don't see anyway to NOT have sex for 1000 years. Besides the basic element of reproductivity, praying can't be that stimulating to anybody.
One thing I'd love to know: Who that icy bitch from 1000 years ago was. What woman visited the mountain and was just such a haggard, monumental nag that these monks said, "FUCK THIS SHIT!! I can't take it! This whole mountain just became a man cave!" Like she must have walked in and just start squawking about every little thing. "When's the last time you washed that robe? How come you haven't shaved? It smells like cheese in here! son of fuzzy isn't even funny. " Lifetime ban.
Lil historical FYI aside:
During World War II, Mount Athos came under the personal protection of Hitler when the Nazis invaded Greece. At the advice of German officers, the monks wrote Hitler and asked for the protection, which he provided. The monks told Simon that Hitler was planning to pillage the monasteries for their art treasures, even going so far as to send officers to photograph more than 1,000 works of art. But they said Hitler got bogged down in Russia and never removed any of the art.
Nice. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY knew how to chill like Hitler. He got a lot of things wrong, made some bad decisions. (read: the Holocaust.) Total jerk-off, psychopathic egomaniacal dick wad.... But man could Hitler chillaxenhausen. I heard he used to just cruise around in a Mercedes and go from art show to art show munching on pastries. He would take you all over town, get you drunk then stay up until 2 am watching Disney cartoons (which back then was like watching Avatar) and telling stories. Plus, Hitler knew how to dress. Just a fashionable guy, can't take that away from him. Too bad he was a spineless, worthless ideologue in the end.
This is a future star. The Food Reviewer has been posting for a while now (while writing this up I actually learned he was just featured on Tosh. Fucking Tosh and his v-necks get to every video first) but isn't even close to his potential.
Here's the dope: He turns the webcam on, intros a snack item like fruit gushers, cheez-its or ring dings, he takes a bite, then he has what appears to be extensive inner-dialogue (the review), then he continues eating and finally he giggles and says something fat. I'm a fan. These videos are laugh-until-I-cried funny. And semi-semi-informative
And I know what everyone is thinking, "He's fat, what DOESN'T he like?" Well guess what:
I just scratched cheez-its off my shopping list. If I ran cheez-its, I'd be doing some serious R&D to try and win back the Food Reviewer.
This video also gives insight to how he got so fat, his stomach appears to have it's own arm which pops up at the :32 second marker and growls as it feeds itself.
Maybe one of my favorites is the Ring Ding review. This particular review just has so much depth and really shows off not only his writing skills (the phone reference during a RING-ding review. Classic.) and his on-the-spot wherewithal like when the creme filling hits him outta left field. He's so overwhelmed but at the same time maintains composure and continues the review. But it also shows his enthusiasm. When he says "I haven't had these in a LOONG time"...he sounds like a prisoner talking about sex with a woman. I love it. The consummate professional. Actually, he does call it a Yodel and halfway through eating realizes his mistake. If it wasn't for that, this review would be a definite Buy.
I'm expecting big things out of him. Especially considering his poor diet. His newer videos show him hitting puberty which is pretty scary. But I think I will continue to subscribe. I'm even trying to think of a food to send him to review. Any ideas? I was thinking about maybe like Now & Laters or those Skittles that change flavors halfway through eating them. I think those would blow his mind. Any ideas out there Internet?
I heard this girl talking on TV about how she wanted to create a life-size Barbie doll with to-scale measurements so that people could learn about eating disorders that spawn from little girls growing up with grossly unrealistic physical standards or something or another. I didn't really pay attention because once they showed images of the life-size Barbie I was struck by her beauty. Look at those long, spidery legs....her lush larger-than-her-own-head breastestesses. I sweetly imagine her stumpy fingerless hands running through my hair. Me wrapping my hand around her waist, all the way around. I'd whisper sweet nothings into her tiny ears.
I was reading through the "Get Real Barbie Campaign's" fact sheet and saw this little tidbit of information: "If Barbie was a real woman, she’d have to walk on all fours due to her proportions." Now that really gets my pendulum swinging, a woman who cuts to the quick.
But perhaps the sexiest thing about Get Real Barbie is her discipline as noted in the Slumber Party Barbie of 1965's package which included a toy miniature bathroom scale that permanently dialed in on 110 pounds. It came with a book titled "How To Lose Weight." The directions inside? Simple: "Don't Eat." BRILLIANT! Preemptive weight loss plan, W-style.
So let's help make this a reality, because unless I'm missing the point I think this girl wants to bring her to life. And I call first dibs. baby i'm gonna melt your plastic...
For more information, call the South Shore Eating Disorders Collaborative at 508-230-1732 or
visit the National Eating Disorders Association at www.nationaleatingdisorders.org
"(CNN) -- Seventeen state attorneys general are urging Pabst Brewing Co. to stop marketing to young drinkers and halt production of a new malt beverage promoted by rapper Snoop Dogg. In a letter sent to the Pabst Brewing Co., Maryland Attorney General Douglas F. Gansler says "Blast" by Colt 45 is a 'binge-in-a-can" that targets youth. Gansler was joined by attorneys general from Arizona, California, Connecticut, Guam, Idaho, Iowa, Illinois, Kentucky, Maine, Massachusetts, New Mexico, Ohio, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Utah, and Washington. San Francisco City Attorney Dennis Herrera also joined the petition, according to a written statement. The makers of the new fruity blend came under fire after advocacy groups and politicians raised questions about its marketing campaign. The drink, in a colorful 23.5-ounce can that resembles soda pop but has an alcohol content of 12%, more potent than a typical can of beer. "They're marketing it as a single serving when in reality it's five servings in a can," said Raquel Guillory, spokeswoman for the Maryland attorney general. "We hope they would be a good corporate citizen." Paul Porter of Industry Ears, a media watchdog group, says "Colt 45 makers are raising the alcohol level from the already high 6% to the even higher 12%, and enticing young people with hip hop themes and lollipop flavors.""
In related news, I'm going straight to the packy to pick up some Blast. Probably gonna blast one while I'm strolling to the register, a second as I'm paying and then a third as I pee in my jeans, pass out and break my face on the "NOT AN EXIT" door. Does this guy know how to party or what!?
State attorneys are so silly. I would have never have heard about Blast unless they launched a massive campaign saying how drunk it gets you. It's like Adam and Eve with God. Adam and Even were all "Hey God what's up." And God replied, "DON'T EAT THAT FRUIT!!" And Eve was like, "What fruit?---oh this fruit. Hmm, tempting now that I know about it. *crunch*" (did I get that story right? I went to public schools so I'm ill versed in...just about every subject.)
I love Pabst defense of their hip-hop, lollipop beverage:
"As with all Pabst products, our marketing efforts for Blast are focused on conveying the message of drinking responsibly," the statement said. "To that end, the alcohol content of Blast is clearly marked on its packaging."
Yes, the alcohol content IS clearly marked. Yet, you also clearly marked the term "Blast" on its packaging soooo... Not even the Twister of Linguistics himself could spin that bullshit. If you're doing something at 'blast-speed' then chances are you aren't doing it responsibly. Watch:
"Hey I'm gonna blast feed this baby"
"We're just gonna blast through this Bakini wax process"
"I'm just gonna blast this last Jenga piece on"
Surgeon : "and now that I've made my initial incision I am just pretty much gonna blast these conjoined twins apart!"
Doctor performing adult circumcision : "Now I'm just gonna blast this foreskin off...."
I actually did find one exception:
"I'm gonna blast this fire with a fire extinguisher."
Unless of course it was preceded with:
"Hey guys, I'm gonna blast some meth!"
This one almost worked too:
"Blast this guy with the defibrillator!"
unless...:
"Hey watch, I'm gonna blast this guy with a defibrillator"
Am I the only one who remembers that this is Mrs. J's ride? This little Blue Lagoon looking bastard rides around in SOMEBODY ELSE'S Highlander and treats people cruising in sedans like second class citizens. Don't forget your real car is a wood-paneled minivan. You skinny-jeans-wearing neverwas.
To set the atmosphere for "Best Bar Joke Of The Weekend" I wanted to show a video of a drunk guy laughing so hard that he falls off his barstool but I found this video instead...close enough. I laughed until i cried, literally had tears streaming down my cheeks laughing at this guy, I don't know why i think it's so funny. Just all the different elements: the fatboy slim song, the genial mocking of the drunk by the other guys, the brazen confidence of someone who has had too much to drink but their face hasn't realized how fucked up the rest of their body is so they have a big ol' shit eating grin. And then the end is just priceless, a hand shake/freeze frame style digger. Love it.
But anyway, the bar jokes from the weekend, which is why I'm writing this. There's one runner up:
Doctor tells a man that he's pregnant. The man asks, "How the hell did I get pregnant?" The Doctor replies, "Probably the usual way, lil' wine, lil' dinner..."
Simple yet effective.
And now, the best bar joke from the weekend (and of course, about Charlie Sheen):
How much cocaine did Charlie Sheen do? ....... Enough to kill Two and A Half Men.
LOL, uuhhhh. YA! he remembers. IIIM PRETTTTTY SUUUURE HE REMEMMBBEERS. He's got three brain gears dude. 3.
but seriously, nice face. he could probably use same DVD cover and replace "memory" with "date raping." World Record Holder for Greatest Date Raping..."Yeah baby, the martini IS supposed to be fizzling from the bottom like that..."
what a scam. I love how he's only the "world Record Holder for Greatest Memory" not "World." little known secret, if you don't capitalize the 'w' in world you can really claim anything. son of fuzzy is the world Record Holder for Greatest Blog.
So basically this is what happens in the uber-user-friendly internet age where even dumb blondes can upload onto YouTube.com. What a dolt. I barely made it through this whole "rant." It's almost as moronic as Charlie Sheen's mumlbings (who for some reason is being called "surprisingly intelligent" because of his big-word-laden rants. Let me clarify: "Well-Spoken" means you can put forth well-constructed sentences...even if they are absent of idea. "Intelligent" is when you can put forth well-constructed ideas. "Charlie Sheen" is more-or-less neither...he is one helluva drug tho.)
But let's completely disregard this chick for the moment, she'll probably drown next time she sticks her head in a bucket of bleach anyway. Actually, she'll probably get a reality TV deal out of this...just another reason to ignore her.
The reason I'm not interested in this video is because it was kind of a necessary evil that has led me to a little gem of a blog called "Asians Sleeping In The Library." Clearly not the kind of Asian students that Little Miss Slut-Slut was talking about these Asians are just a-SNOOZIN with a capital S-N-O-O-Z-I-N. In the library, in the computer lab, during lecture. It's awesome. I don't know why it's just Asians. I do not care - I just want more.
So I'm supposed to be doing something important and then Masters of the Universe came on the TV and I just fell into an "awful 80's movie trance." Like when it's so bad you don't want to look away. But there was something so magical too. I think it was the puppets. And then the puppets got me to thinking, could you imagine seeing a puppet in a modern day production? Like what if one of the CSI shows had a muppet technician just walking around, always behind a waist-high counter top. It's not that far fetched either, I mean Alf had his own show in '86, that's only 25 years ago. Is that crazy to anyone else? Puppets used to be characters in serious movies. And not just shits-and-giggle movies, like Oscar nominated films used puppets. You picking up what I'm putting down?
I think it's kind of ignored by a lot of people in Hollywood, like it's a source of shame. 1980s puppets are to movies what slavery and segregation is to America. It was everywhere and it was wrong. Everyone HAD to have known, deep down somewhere, that it was wrong but it was just the way things were. A way of life.
Let me put what I'm saying into perspective: Imagine if Avatar was made with all puppets. BAM! It would have been like Labrynth where there were puppets everywhere you looked...I'm pretty sure there was even one in Bowie's tights.
Here's an off the cuff list of some of the best puppet movies/TV shows: As a matter of fact, let's put on some Dance, Magic, Dance. This song is Track #1 on my Boner Jamz mix tape I use to set the mood for my lady friend. I'm usually asked to shut it off.
Puppet Master
The Muppets
Labrynth
Fragile Rock
Sesame Street
Alf
Masters of the Universe
The Star Wars movies
I know that the list is short, and I'm trying to think of one movie that my buddy used to always make us watch. It scared the shit outta me. And I'd sound stupid describing it becuase all I could say was "uhh, there were puppets. Lot's of em. A pasture of muppets..." Some help on this?
Oh, and to leave you with a literal questions: IS there anything more scary than this character's face from Masters of the Universe?
Aside from Suzanne Sommers 2.0, I'd say no. And this puppet probably was like top-shelf, award winning craft. And now it's just a joke on a fuckin shitty blog. 25 years is a long time I guess.
Because Cheetos is getting my vote. Hands down, the best commercials on the boob tube at the moment.
IMPRESSIVE SIR! Who ever wrote these things deserves an Oscar, a Grammy, a Nobel Peace Prize and a blowjob all rolled into one award. The funny thing is that I hate Cheetos. It's actually not even funny. I really do not enjoy Cheetos. Now, if you give me a full box of Chee-zits then I'll give you back an empty box of Cheezits. Love em. Can't get enough of them. Cheetos: no dice.
http://cyberstationlive.com/theeclectictaste
The Hardiest Workin' Man in radio gets his own webpage. 'bout damn time Cyber Station! Pretty soon he'll be able to load up every show he does right onto the site so that you can listen whenever you want.
Tune in on Tuesdays at 11 PM at cyberstationlive.com to check out some of the music you've been missing out on if you only tune into mainstream FM stations. Matt's format is closer to satellite radio in that he's not required to play the newest Kings of Leon song three times an hour.
And all plugging aside, Hardie knows his stuff. He's a long time rocker, his rendition of ACDC's "Thunderstruck" at NQHS Battle of the Bands 2004 gave the entire crowd an orgasm, and an avid concertgoer. From listening to his show I've added a bunch of tunes to my Droid's music selection and I've picked up a ton of the beer that he highlights on his "Beer Enthusiast" section. Whether it's Pretty Things, Ipwich Ale, Sierra Nevada Stout (which tastes like the soul of a winter lager is in a stout's body), I've yet to be dissappointed by his microbrew picks.
Be sure to tune in this Tuesday Janurary 18 as Matt Hardie plays the top ten Hardiest songs of 2010.
Any questions, requests, suggestions, full body pics or personal measurements can be sent to : matthewphardie@gmail.com
"(comcast.net) --- Did Oprah Really Devour 30 Pounds of Mac 'n' Cheese?!
It's probably safe to say the movie Bride of Chucky is not one of Oprah Winfrey 's favorite things. In an outtake from her interview airing next Monday on the debut episode of Piers Morgan Tonight, the talk-show queen indirectly blames a certain maniacal doll for creating a huge hankering for a popular creamy concoction.
Winfrey tells Morgan that when her film Beloved came out in 1998, its lack of success during opening weekend caused her to go into "a massive, depressive macaroni and cheese-eating tailspin."
"It premiered on a Friday and I remember hearing on Saturday morning that we got beat by something called Chucky," she recalls. "I didn't even know what Chucky was. So, I asked my chef at the time to make some macaroni and cheese...and I ate about 30 pounds worth. I'm not kidding!" "
yeah, Oprah that one time you ate 30 lbs of mac and cheese...It's a pretty telling sign when you ask your chef for "some mac-and-cheese" and they instinctively whip up 30 lbs. And I love how she exclaims "I'm NOT kidding!" like anyone doubts that she has the capacity to eat 30 lbs of macaroni and cheese. I would have loved to have been there right when she said it to point out the leftover orange macaroni stuck in her hair from breakfast that day. EVERYBODY GETS MAC AND CHEESE! EVERYONE IS GETTING A MAC AND CHEESE!
I'm really not all that impressed either, it's not like she ate a ton-and-a-half. My only question to Oprah, "Was there ketchup involved?..."
(CNN) -- Authorities in Maryland are investigating the deaths of about 2 million fish in Chesapeake Bay.
"Natural causes appear to be the reason," the Maryland Department of the Environment said in a news release. "Cold water stress exacerbated by a large population of the affected species (juvenile spot fish) appears to be the cause of the kill."
Thank goodness that Rainman was on hand to count those fish so quickly...yeah, 2 million fish, yeaaahhh, 2, definitely 2 millionnn fiissh.
So is anyone worried considering these news stories also happened:
(CNN) -- "A large number of dead birds were found in the city of Falköping, Sweden, on Tuesday night and Wednesday morning, according to the Swedish National Veterinary Institute."
A similar unusual incident occurred in Arkansas on New Year's Eve. Thousands of red-winged blackbirds and starlings were found dead over a square-mile area in the town of Beebe.
In a separate incident, some 500 red-winged blackbirds, starlings and sparrows were found dead Monday morning in the southern Louisiana community of Labarre.
Either some redneck has built the biggest most badass hunting weapon ever, or we're going to see some life imitating art on a Biblical scale.
Credit to Kevin Plauski for submitting the pre-mugshot (what does it say about me if my Droid just tried to autocorrect 'mugshot' to 'cumshot' ?...twice. yuu durty rittre Droid)
Loud and clear, Chuck. I knew I was trying to wear boots that my feet couldn't fill when I talked about trying to come up with the best prego picture. What did I say, a dumbbell, a bazooka and 2 pregnant chicks? How lame is that? Chuck is holding the world; meaning he has EVERY pregnant women living on it in his prego picture. And I thought fighting off a wild animal was cool...Chuck killed a dinosaur for his. Fuckin' Chuck Norris.
If you got real drunk last night and made a New Year's mistake then you might find some wiener cheese within the next week, but if you haven't then you gotta go to Arby's. I mean, if you have never had Arby's famous Chocolate Penis with their Wiener Cheese on it...you haven't lived. My mouth is watering vomit just thinking about it.
Accordingly I went to one who had the reputation of wisdom, and observed to him -- his name I need not mention; he was a politician whom I selected for examination -- and the result was as follows: When I began to talk with him, I could not help thinking that he was not really wise, although he was thought wise by many, and wiser still by himself; and I went and tried to explain to him that he thought himself wise, but was not really wise; and the consequence was that he hated me, and his enmity was shared by several who were present and heard me. So I left him, saying to myself, as I went away: Well, although I do not suppose that either of us knows anything really beautiful and good, I am better off than he is -- for he knows nothing, and thinks that he knows. I neither know nor think that I know. In this latter particular, then, I seem to have slightly the advantage of him.
