SEX WILL MAKE YOU LIVE FOREVER

(CNN) -- Researchers have long known that not only is sex fun (when done with the right person, of course), but that people who have frequent sex tend to live longer and have healthier hearts and lower rates of certain cancers. These studies also show that men with an active sex life have healthier sperm, and sexually active women have fewer menopause symptoms. In a British study, men who had intercourse at least twice a week lived longer than men who had sex less than once a month. A U.S. study had similar findings, and a Swedish study examining the sex lives of 70-year-olds found that men who died before their 75th birthday had ceased having sexual intercourse at earlier ages. CNN playing wing man. Nice! Just when I thought I had picked every piece of fruit off the "You-know-sex-is-supposed-to-make-that-better" tree -- CNN pulls out this game changer! I was actually getting nervous, it got to the point that my girlfriend just stopped complaining about any physical or emotional pain to avoid me trying to use my old line. What's that baby? You stubbed your toe??? You know what helps that... Doesn't matter anymore though, because we're literally talking life or death here. Men NEED it or we're all gonna die. Like, really. And I'm pretty sure this makes Big Trouble in Little China a documentary or PSA now too. So now with this medical break through, the significance of which is probably only comparable to when they cure AIDS in the future, How long until it is misused? Like as an excuse by men who get caught cheating or sleeping around. And don’t think it won’t happen, because assholes everywhere are running out of excuses. First was Slick Willy blowing up the whole denial spot. Then Tiger really bogied on the sex addict thing. Couldn't you have just said you LOVE white women? You completely voided the term "sex addiction" as a real medical condition. I mean, look at what Eric Massa is resorting to: "Guys! It was a classic-Navy-tickle-fight!" So I'll just end this because at this point in the post I'm pretty sure all men who were reading are right now running around the streets like the infected at the beginning of a zombie movie---which means that the women are left and waiting to see what good news the study brought for them: The Swedish study didn't find that women lived longer if they had sex more frequently, and neither did a study in North Carolina. Bummer. Ever notice how whenever there is a story about sex on an online news site they always include a picture like this: That just looks like two lazy lovers fighting about who has to go on top. And I get it that it's supposed to be people who just had sex but everyone knows you never use the passive voice if you can use the active. The websites should use something more like this: Or since it's old people sex, something more like this: but definitely NOT this: ...thank god I had my camera handy on THAT Christmas.