PATRIOTS POLISH CONNECTION

In Day Two of the NFL Draft, the New England Patriots selected Rob Gronkowski from the University of Arizona. He was the 10th pick in the second round I'm really excited about the Pats taking Gronkowski, even though I know nothing about him. I am just hoping to God that there is some kind of trick play that happens this year and kicker Steve Gostowksi takes a direct snap on a fake field goal and throws a game-winning TD to Gronkowski and as the announcer is trying to describe what's happening, his head just explodes.

NETFLIX ANONYMOUS

You log onto your computer, you create a DVD queue, one DVD is mailed to your house, you watch it, you put it back in the mailbox, someone takes it away, and then a new movie arrives by mail in 1-2 days. What I just detailed may not seem like a horrific addiction, but that's just what it is. Netflix should be against the law. It has made me such a counterproductive slouch. I just lay in bed all day waiting to hear the mail slot hinge open. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna end up like the Sloth victim from the movie Seven: No, I'm only kidding about laying in bed all day...you see, I have to lean forward and sit up to play by XBox Live---(gripes)----But XBox is a laugh riot, given my odd schedule of random class hours and night shifts, I'm usually online during the day playing against all kids (which has made my Kill:Death Ratio pretty solid) and it gives me a kind of insider's viewpoint to America's Youth, Our Future Leaders. Which, from my observations, all have lisps and ADHD. And they're all violently hateful. I have heard hate speech on Xbox Live that would make Hitler blush. I'm not even joking either. Like remember how people flipped when South Park first aired and the language coming out of these 3rd graders' mouths was so obscene? REAL 3rd Graders make Cartman sound like a Teletubby. For those of you who don't have XBox live, here's is the closest I could do for an example...and the kid in this video could be described as sedated compared to what I've heard:

LET THE MAN PUSH HIS BEEF!

I just found out that Ben Roethlisberger has his own brand of beef jerky and so now I see what has been going on. Because with all these allegations of sexual misconduct being thrown at Roethlisberger I was starting to think that maybe they were true. There was a definite trend, I mean his Wikipedia.com page even has a section titled "Sexual assault allegations" that goes on to have several MORE sub-sections. Like this guy was the biggest piece of classless shit in the world. But it was all just a big misunderstanding! Obviously these "incidents" were just part of Ben's aggressive marketing campaign aimed to grab women and convince them that his beef jerky is the most soft & tender beef jerky you can buy! You can blame a guy for a lot of things but you can't blame a guy for trying to push his beef! Pff, I knew that was all crap. Big Ben exudes class:

BOSTON MARATHON

No, this picture isn't of a dictator shooting at starving, emaciated villagers--it's just the start of the Boston Marathon. Those people are emaciated by their own choice. And go figure; a Kenyan won it again! I just drove home from work at 3a.m. and I'm pretty sure I saw an American still running. Why the fuck can't we win marathons? It's just not our thing, I guess. I'd say that the only advantage we Americans have is that we don't have to go home to Kenya. So I suppose we kind of win anyway. cue: AMERICA, FUCK YEAH! and just in case your wondering, the "American Fuck Yeah" song IS my ringtone. So when I'm in line at the post office and I get a phone call I don't pick it up, I just let it ring and go to voicemail so everyone near me hears the song in its entirety...just in case anyone was wondering about how patriotic I am. Eat your heart out Sarah Palin.

iSMUG ASSHOLE

(CNN) -- Around the world, how far can you get with $10? We asked CNN iReporters around the world to see what they could get for $10. Some stocked up their pantries, others took mini-vacations, and a few decided that the very best way of all to spend $10 was to give it away. "Giving a helping hand is more fun than buying more stuff," wrote Brian Bossard, who donated the money to United Way in Butte, Montana. What a smug asshole. Hey Boss, the idea was to see how far you could stretch 10 bucks in this economic climate not to make everyone else who participated look like selfish pricks. I can only imagine how much everyone immediately hated this guy when they start showing off the cases of beer, cowboy hats and a paddle-ball toys they bought for 10 bucks and then Brian walks in dropping the "Myaa, I gave mine away because that's more fun and rewarding to me than buying things for myself.." Just shut up, man. Everyone hates you. You completely missed the purpose of the exercise. Jerk off.

AVATAR DEPRESSION SYNDROME

(CNN) -- James Cameron's completely immersive spectacle "Avatar" may have been a little too real for some fans who say they have experienced depression and suicidal thoughts after seeing the film because they long to enjoy the beauty of the alien world Pandora. A user named Mike wrote on the fan Web site "Naviblue" that he contemplated suicide after seeing the movie. "Ever since I went to see 'Avatar' I have been depressed. Watching the wonderful world of Pandora and all the Na'vi made me want to be one of them. I can't stop thinking about all the things that happened in the film and all of the tears and shivers I got from it," Mike posted. "I even contemplate suicide thinking that if I do it I will be rebirthed in a world similar to Pandora and then everything is the same as in 'Avatar.' “ I knew the 3D glasses were a bad idea! I tried to tell Jimmy, if you put people into this world, man, you will never get them out again! But seriously (because I've never talked to James Cameron) this situation is very unique. On the one hand, there's the part of me that knows where these people are coming from. I've always felt that movies do have that power to draw its audience in to a point where you really want to emulate what you are watching. Like after watching a movie about football, like Invincible, I wanted to go play football. After I finished watching Rambo I just sprinted out into the woods yelling. And after watching a porno, I wash up. Then on the other hand, you just want to call these people whack jobs. Reincarnation, Mike? Really? And besides, the logistical nightmares that would come from being ten feet tall would be unbearable. I’m 6’4” and I feel like I could make a solid reality TV show called Big Person Little World about my daily difficulties. So how about you stop crying, turn off the Eiffel 65 and go for a walk. Life is beautiful. Fortunately for these folks, there are some suggestions given: Within the fan community, suggestions for battling feelings of depression after seeing the movie include things like playing "Avatar" video games or downloading the movie soundtrack, in addition to encouraging members to relate to other people outside the virtual realm and to seek out positive and constructive activities Unfortunately, it sounds like these suggestions are shameless self promotion by the makers of everything Avatar. But if Avatar video games and soundtracks don’t do it for you then I know this kid with some quality LSD. Because I’d say if you’re contemplating suicide because your shit can’t be blue, then a strong acid habit might be your only lifeline. And on my other hand -- my third hand -- I am really hoping this catches on and people start getting plastic surgery and augmenting their skin pigment. Because I’m really dreading that I’m going to end up in a cubicle after college and it would really make my work week easier to get through if this guy stuck his head over the partition and asked if I wanted to get lunch from Subway or Quizno’s: “Sooo, Quizno’s? --- What are you staring at? It’s because I’m blue isn’t it? You’d understand if you had the 3D glasses. Fuck you man”