Now I don't usually follow celebrity gossip but it's pretty huge news that Justin Bieber was not the father of that deranged woman's baby (who accuses a 15 y/o virgin of being the father of their baby in the first place? amateur) I could give a a flying fuck either way but I really had hoped that the entire situation had ended on the Maury Show because that would have been the best Not The Father Dance EVER. capital PERIOD.
I thought it was gonna happen. Everything seemed in place, the stars were aligned but then nothing. The last time I was this disappointed was when Michael Jackson didn't do a Not The Pedophile Dance, although he did give us a tease.
But you know it's not my style to leave any readers feeling cheated so I've compiled some of the top Not The Father dances of all time.
To start, let me get this one thing out: LADIES - DO NOT DANCE WHEN YOU FIND OUT HE IS THE FATHER. You're already on national TV trying to find out what man is the father of your baby, and for those not good at reading in between the lines and also unfamiliar with the menstrual cycle, That means she fucked (*fucked, not "had sex") with like 4 guys in one weekend. This baby's life is already shitty but now its existence is being marked with a Stanky Leg on National Television. C'mon lady.
But onto the good stuff. Now I've never been told "You are NOT the father" so I can only imagine what they feel like but obviously there's no being all calm and cool about it. The "Act Like You've Been There Before" philosophy gets thrown out the window here. You have to go all out. Let's begin with a personal favorite,
The Not The Father Backflip. I LOVE this one. Guy just backflips after finding out that the sprout wasn't from his seed. AWESOME! And how much would you bet that this guy had never even tried a backflip before, like he was just so psyched that he figured "spontaneous flip time" and he somehow landed it.
This next guy below here is pretty cocky. Notice how he shoots out of the chair before Maury even finishes. He hears "You are--" and he just decides fuck it, I'm dancing. Confidence always gets you points.
This next one is a gem. Wilbur doesn't really execute too many maneuvers aside from the ass shake but, Hey, when you got your move, You got your move. Not only does he bump n grind on the mother of someone else's child but he also asses the motorized scooter off the stage. (and on a side note, how funny would it be for someone to chase after you in a scooter for emotional support. "Don't cry, come back, I'm here for you! [Vrrrrrrrrrrrrrr] )
Now this is bar none THE best fucking one, talk about stage presence. Like this guy busts out moves so good that the Maury Show had to go on a 40-minute break because an impromptu hip-hop show broke out. Like a serious show. So serious that some guy got shot which, as everyone knows, is the sign of a truly great hip-hop show. I bet this guy and the entire studio audience went out after and had a Not The Father BBQ at his house. Damn i wish i was there.
The only way someone could top Andrew this would be if you could somehow RickRoll the Maury Show.
And in case you're wondering, Yes, this is how i dance. It's the only way I know how.
Anyone have any good Not The Father dances that I should have put up here? Let's see em
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