REAL MATURE FIELD MUSEUM

Making fun of T-Rex arms? Grow up.

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33 CHILEAN MINERS ARE TRAPPED IN THAT MINE UNTIL CHRISTMAS!!??

Well I haven't been paying really close attention to this whole drama because, let's be honest, it's in Chile, but I did hear that these guys had survived. But now I just found out they are stuck down there for 4 months!? Ummmmm, so I'm thinking sitcom. Anybody? It's topical, a bit dirty, with dark humor. A bunch of amigos stuck in a cramped living space. It'd be like Friends but funny. But how about that shit. My Spanish is a little rusty but I think that this note reads, "Stop celebrating and get us out of this fucking hole you asshole...33" I hope these guys do get out of this OK, because they are going to get a HUGE settlement from the Mining company, which they will subsequently spend on lottery tickets. And I love the messages they sent to their families, that was touching. I bet every guy when asked, "Any words for your wives?" thought the same thing: "Yeah, don't fuck anybody."

DRUNKFACED BRIT GETS THE LIQUID BOOT

And speaking of getting drunk in public: did anyone hear how some chick is banned from buying or publicly consuming ANY and ALL alcoholic beverages in all of England and Wales? It's called a Drinking Banning Order and I'm pretty sure it's the first one ever. Do you know how drunk you have to be to get banned from drinking in England? Their entire culture revolves around 'the pub' and getting pissed, like not casual drinking like our fine gentlemen over at Ketel One but getting absolutely Polluted, with a capital SHITFACED. What has English culture become? (((Jane Austin must be rolling over in her stuffy grave)))I've been trying to brainstorm what could be wrong with her...she must be hideous, right? . . . . . . . . . . Ok, wrong. ... Then she is either the biggest tease of all time (because no one is gonna ban the "party favor" if you know what I'm saying) or... Actually I have no idea. I'm stumped. I'm guessing that if you unraveled this case then you'd find some kind of threaded socio-political-thriller-like plot. Like if Girl With The Dragon Tattoo meets Girl Who Played With Fire and then got mixed with The Matrix. That's how confusing this story must be, the only way she got banned is if it endangers mankind on a national or even global level. Think of how many people we all know individually that should have been banned from drinking by now. Drug testing, a "suggested" stint in AA, that's the per usual for even the biggest drunken messes. But a National Ban? Maybe she walked out on a tab at Buckingham Palace. I can't wait to read more about this one. Read the actual story here: http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/2934644/Very-barred-girl-banned-nationwide.html Oh and what's the over/under on how many dates this girl is gonna get asked out on once she can start drinking again? She's the ideal date; "Hey pretty lady how about we drink vodka straight from the bottle, chase it down with some shame and then get randy. DO I MAKE YOU HORNY BABY!? IT DOESN'T MATTER, YOU'RE BLACKED OUT!"

LOOK! IT'S A BIRD--- IT'S A PLANE!---- IT'S DRUNKFACED MAN!!!

Thursday Shot for the weekend is back! This one is a doozy, I've run into it several times, or more accurately it ran me into/over me several times. I can drink the drink but this one is only for the heavy hitters. I call it the "Speedbump," shot because after just a few you will be doing a certain Yoga position I call "Downward Drunkfaced Dog" in the middle of the street. ya know, like where a speedbump would be...haha. So the two parts are these: -Jaegermeister (how ever its spelled) -root beer I'm not even gonna give "directions" on how to mix these ingredients, it's too savage to be tamed. This shot will have you face planted by 1 a.m. I usually say enjoy, for this I say good luck!

I LIKE MY BEER COLD...MY TV LOUD...AND MY HOMOSEXUALS FLAMING!

"..........................(pssst---gay pride-sshhh)................" WTF is that gay pride flag doing buried in those bushes? "Yeah, I finally came out of the closet but I'm gonna hang in these bushes for a little while longer." What a fag.

WOULD YOU HAVE MADE THIS TRADE?

I was in Chicago and saw this exchange go down. The guy with the plastic bags slung over his shoulder walks in front of this Sheriff on his George Jetson machine and just makes him a strong, firm offer: "Bags for the motorcycle, man. Bags for the motorcycle." And there wasn't an ounce of sarcasm in his voice, pure business. I saw his eyes, this man was serious. The Sheriff just laughs and turns down his offer. Then this dude just kept walking, that's when I took this picture. Whole exchange was maybe 15 seconds long. Here's the thing: I don't know if I could have just turned down that offer so easily. Whats in the bags!? It's haunting me now, it's like the mystery door on a gameshow. I always want the mystery door! Sometimes it's a lump a shit but sometimes it's a Kia. This guy made it sound like it was a fair-and-square deal. I think they call that business acumen. Plus, I don't think you should write off homeless guys this quickly...and I don't mean to sound like I'm judgemental but that guy is totally homeless. Spotting a homeless guy is like the old saying about hard-core pornography, "It's hard to define but I know it when I see it." He's got that 'dress shirt w/ slacks' kind of outfit that homeless guys always rock, like they definitly do not have anything important to do, but if something comes up they're ready to TCB. Who knows what this guy has in the bags. He could have worked for NASA back in the day and there's the flux capacitor inside the bag, and it was his lengthy and tireless research in creating it that drove him past the brink of sanity. Or it could be three dead pigeons. But I would have to know! I mean look at that machine the Sheriff is riding, piece of shit probably tops out at 20 MPH. Remember the homeless guy Bart Simpson ran into? He was the creator of Itchy & Scratchy and Bart wrote him off at first. so I'm just saying: Think about it.

CALIFORNIA GURLZ IS EPIC

Hold on, is this the best song ever? Okay, not best song ever -- but best single line in a song ever is "So hot will melt your Popsicle" If you see me when I'm jamming to this song and Katy Perry sings "So hot will melt your Popsicle" I fucken LOSE it. It's intense. If you pulled up next to me when I'm in my car and the windows are rolled up, right when that line happens I go bananas. I look like I'm special needs, insane, and gay all at once. Only downside is the actual music video. Katy Perry just doesn't do it for me. She's wicked hot, but the way she just kind of slumps around is boring. It'd probably be like fucking a hole in the mattress. She just looks bored trying to be sexy. Luckily there is always that token smoken hot back-up dancer that I freeze-frame spank it to. That back-up chick is always SO hot and gets so little face time. Maxim or someone should make a Top 100 list of Hottest Token-Smoken Hot Backup Dancers of All-Time. And believe me, EVERY GUY who has seen a fair share of music vids knows what I'm talking about,. P.S. this video shows Snoop Dogg as like a Candy Land faggish mayor. And it made me think about G's like Snoop, Dre, Iced Cube who take soft movie rolls like in Lottery Ticket. Didn't these guys kill people as kids? It's wild. Just weird an wild stuff. Now look at them. "Bikinis, zucchinis and martinis" ? For rizzle, Dogg? Hey, whatever though. I mean from Dogg's lips to my ears, I'm down homey. I love the pimp candy-cane, might even use one even though I don't need it. Just looks tight.

PROFESSIONAL ATHLETES ARE A STEP DOWN FROM CIRCUS PERFORMING MONKEYS---GET READY FOR A RANT!!!

MINNEAPOLIS (AP)—Ron Gardenhire heard the boos from Twins fans Sunday afternoon. And the Minnesota manager acknowledged he was kind of booing himself at the same time. Even though Kevin Slowey just thrown seven innings of no-hit baseball against Oakland, Gardenhire went to his bullpen to finish the game. The bid for a combined no-hitter didn’t last long, either, when Jon Rauch gave up a double to the second batter he faced in what would end being a 4-2 Twins victory. “I would boo me too,” Gardenhire said. “I took a pitcher out with a no-hitter going. But I would do it 1,000 times the same way.” The reason was simple: Elbow tendinitis caused Slowey to miss his last start. Combine that with 106 pitches to get through seven innings and there was little chance of him throwing two more innings—even if he continued to hold the Athletics without a hit. Take him out?!? Um hello, are you mental? That's the same shit Peyton Manning and the jackwagon Colts did last season. How are you going to fucking throw away an entire season of perfection in favor of a Super Bowl bid (which they lost). It's short-term heroics that wins the fans' hearts. That's why the 2007 Patriots are my all-time favorite team, even though I hate pro-sports as I view it more or less a public display of rape; business raping sport. But the Pats fucken went for it man, and what did the Colts do? Threw it away. Just like the Twins did by taking Slowey out. Now I'm only saying this one time: The man-behind-the-curtain who is pulling all the strings knows that tried and true fans do not go to the game to see an athlete give up; they know we want to see fierce competition. I want Kevin SLowey to throw pitches until his arm falls off. Then I want him to use his other arm. You're gonna fag-out on a no-hit bid at 106 pitches? Because of "elbow tendinitis?" I'm pretty sure that term is medically related to having a vagina so you either sac up or pack up Slowey. I threw the football 200 times at a family BBQ and could barely get out of bed this morning, Why? Because I WANTED "IT." Same with Manning last year. Who do you think people respect more? Pats in '07 or Colts in '09? Because I got to watch a team fight and scrap all the way to a perfect season, yeah sure they lost the Super Bowl, but guess what, nobody even remembers. That Super Bowl became a friggen punchline. Ya know what people do remember? THE PERFECT SEASON. Fans don't get herded into stadiums like cattle on $400 tickets, order $10 beers, $7 hot dogs and and sit down to shit it all out on toilets that look like they were imported from a warzone to watch a team pull out of a fucking attempt at perfection. Get Real, we're suckers not chumps. The Big Win only pays one person: The Man Behind The Curtain. He gets hundreds-of-millions in bonuses, even the cheerleaders get paid. Guess who gets a stick in their ass? US. WE THE FANS. If I had my way I wouldn't even let UFC fighters survive a loss. I'd make them fight until the death. You want to wear TapOut gear and gets queer tattoos? Then you gotta die for me to tolerate you. Otherwise, stop acting like a tough shit. I'm just so done with professional sports. If it wasn't for my Fantasy habit they may as well not exist. I think it's because I grew up under my Father's attitude, very similar to Sonny from a Bronx Tale: "See if you can't pay the rent, go ask Mickey Mantle and see what he tells you." Because none of them care about us. I mean at least in the pre-1990s they used to care. Hockey players all had full-time ball-breaking jobs and ugly wives so when they go onto the ice they wanted Blood and Death. And it was next to free for us fans. Nowadays you gotta lay down 75% of your weeks pay to watch some prima donna fag-out because his vagina hurts. I got two protruding discs, a torn labrum in my strong shoulder and a knee strain. Not one Boston pro-athlete is checking on my status, so what the fuck do I care about any of them? The whole team plane could go down and all it would it was take up a chunk of my morning paper's front page. The contrast in old-time and modern spots is a glaring one. Old Time HOckey defeated Communism in 1980, do you even comprehend how significant that is? And how it will never happen again. I mean, look at sports nowadays: like a couple of school girls. Professional Athletes used to be Gods among mere men: Now they're just a bunch of disrespectful, weak-willed, entitled dicklickers. Fucke em all.

JERSEY SHORE SEX TAPE IS COMING!

ok so I know I've barely been posting lately but that's because I came back from CA to find my internet is down and typing lengthy posts on my Droid sucks (sorry in advance; like when i play golf), but I have to hit this.story because I've once again predicted the future! (twice actually if you include when this prediction comes to fruition) and I can't bear the disappointment of not voicing it yet again. First let me remind everyone of my latest two.correct predictions. first was when Tiger Woods got smashed up by Elin. As soon as I read the initial blurb that said Elin used a golf club to "help" Tiger escape from the "burning wreckage" of his 8 MPH in-reverse car crash. I have witnesses who will vouch for me that I said it was domestic abuse. now I won't claim that I knew about all the white-chick-banging that was happening, I'm not a magician I can just sniff out a story like no other brother can. the other news story I plucked the truth out of was when the My Prius Tried To Kill Me saga exploded. B-fucken-S. Know how I knew those people were all lying and trying to sue? Because I would have tried the same exact scam. I actually did but I was on my 12-speed bicycle so no one bought it...hand brakes count... ok so here it is: My prediction,;my guarantee ;My Promise is that the "stolen item" J-Woww is talking about is a sex tape. what else would it be? A dispute over their Lost: Season 1&2 DVD box-set? This bitch makes 10,000 USDs an episode. 10k for a half hour of letting the world see how worthless you are. She can afford any sort of item you'd leave behind...except the tangibles. the sentimentals...the-- scandalous. her ex, this kid Lippolis, is gonna sell this tape for a pretty penny. (BANG! now that's investigatory journalism Miss Magee! ill wave to you from the top.) and so remember this, or don't bother because ill remind you anyway. Anybody wanna have a competition to try and think up the best name for the sex tape? My first entry is "Thank God It's Not Snooki In A Sex Tape"

why do I predict (hope) it's a sex tape....

....That's fucken why. Just look at that nice, round, sexy, Ferris Wheel... I can't wait to make jwoww's clambake my screensaver.

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THIS IS WHAT ROCK BOTTOM LOOKS LIKE

Look who I saw standing outside of Dunks cup in hand. Wally, Wally, Wally.....tried talking to me about the economy and how mascots have been hit the hardest. Whatever Wally. Get a job pal!

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THIS VIDEO JUST GRABS ME

So Tim from Relaxandtakenoteshiphop.com entered this video into the week before last's Bring Me The Funny competition, and I dismissed it because I'd seen it a while back. But then I kept thinking about it and laughing, so I want to throw it up with cred to Tim: I love how right after the cop jocks him the whole process just ends. Like he just wants to wrap it up so he can go straight to a sink and wash the gay off his hands. The cop wanted this search to be over so bad he probably could have found anything and would just write it off. If he found drugs he's be like "Well I'm pretty liberal on the whole drug issue so, you just hang onto that. What's this, anthrax? I don't even think that's illegal anymore...Okay, and here we have Osama Bin Laden's cell phone number? Oh Wow, well tell him I said hello, he's a character! And OKay, we're done here. Have a nice dick, i mean so long--ah Good cock--luck...Good luck....so gay"

GOT WICKED CLOSE TO THE HOLLYWOOD SIGN

I paid some Mexican tour guide big bucks to get this close. I guess it looks different when you're standing next to it. I mean I was so close I could smell it; like salsa and refried beans....or maybe that was the tour guide. I don't think he liked me because my Spanish is so bad. plus my "spanish" is just saying elementary greetings in a Rosie-Perez voice.

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