DUBSTEP REMIX WHERE IS MY MIND

Enjoi

NEW YORKER, WTF!?

You know how the magazine the New Yorker always has those caption contests on the last page? And they show some kind of cartoon that could be social satire, or could depict some kind of allegory for current events but the picture is always just kind of wacky. Readers always send it witty captions to try and win the contest. And the first time I actually tried this contest, I didn't win. So you know there's something wrong with it. That first cartoon showed one jet pilot, helmet under arm, standing in front of a jet with a baffled stare. The jet was wearing high heels instead of having rear landing gear. A second jet pilot was climbing into the cockpit and his mouth was open as if he was saying something. So my caption was, "They give my tail more of a lift" BRILLIANT! Do you see how that works on so many fucking levels that it almost isn't funny? It should just be picked apart in thinktanks and college courses constructed around it. So now, seeing as the New Yorker must just be a bunch of stuck up assholes who know each other, I have stopped producing gems like that one and I simply send in a variation of the phrase "What tThe Fuck" to every-single contest. Because it basically works for each cartoon. And eventually, someone over in New York is going to have to appreciate that. Don't believe me? Watch:

uhh, WTF?

WTF!!!

(sotto voce) what the fuck...

Hey, WTF!?

I like my chances.

LOST GUNS

....get it? Washington (CNN) -- Nearly 180 Department of Homeland Security weapons were lost -- some falling into the hands of criminals -- after officers left them in restrooms, vehicles and other public places, according to an inspector general report. The officers, with Customs and Border Patrol and Immigration and Customs Enforcement, "did not always sufficiently safeguard their firearms and, as a result, lost a significant number of firearms" between fiscal year 2006 and fiscal year 2008, the report said. In all, 243 firearms were lost in both agencies during that period, according to the January report from Inspector General Richard Skinner. Of those, 36 were lost because of circumstances beyond officers' control -- for instance, ICE lost a firearm during an assault on an officer. Another 28 were lost even though officers had stored them in lockboxes or safes. But 74 percent, or 179 guns, were lost "because officers did not properly secure them," the report said So everyone's big focus on this article is that the Homeland Security guys are leaving guns all around the homeland making it less secure. Yeah, irony is delicious, like when the DEA agent shot himself in the foot in a gun safety seminar. Everyone can contradict themselves, so I don't go calling anyone out for obvious shit. What I think it unacceptable is something on a more basic level. I think it's understood that "not properly secure" is a euphamism for "was too drunk to do think straight" In these instances, it definitly sounds like alcohol was involved: "CBP and ICE officers left firearms in places such as a fast food restaurant parking lot, a bowling alley and a clothing store," the report said. One too many caucasians at the bowling alley? Late night drive thru? Plus clothing stores play their music so loud nowadays it's exactly like a club, I think they're trying to spike shoppers' adrenaline and increase impulse buys. So it's possible that some agents get shitfaced and hang out there. Losing your gun while drunk is just totally unacceptable. If you lose your gun because you take it off to shit. OK. You lose it because a 275 lb. Mexican man assaults you and takes it like candy from a baby. Who wouldn't? But to lose your gun when your drunk? No fucken way. Because if I am drunk and I have a gun, I am using it for EVERYTHING. Like Elvis, I'd be changing the TV channel with my gun. I'd untie my shoes with my gun. I'd make people dance with my gun. I'd open more beers with my gun. I'd point out landmarks with my gun like it was a laserpointer. And I'd test out that 21 foot rule with everyone I crossed paths with. You think I don't see you hiding behind that tree?

SO THIS IS AWESOME

http://www.fromthebasement.tv/home From The Basement is what the late night shows and talks shows and even radio stations wish that they could produce. A live performance from a band that is completely comfortable. When singers have to perform live it can be anxiety inducing, and you get shit like Ashlee Simpson lip syncing and dancing like she has DS.

JUST HANGIN' OUT!

I wouldn't want to come within 21 feet of this guy in a dark alley: I LOVE this guy's tenacity. Look at the way he tears towards his target, cuts its head off and then goes back to split it in two. Because to him, this isn't his parent's backyard. It's a fuckin jungle. And that's not a poorly homemade cardboard target. It's a gun wielding lunatic, "huh, that's my enemy." It's life or death. He's trying to demonstrate the 21 foot rule. Supposedly, if there is a showdown between a guy with a gun versus a guy with a knife, the knife guy CAN win if the two are less than 21 feet apart, because it takes too long to pull a gun, arm it, and fire a fatal shot. But ya gotta move. But if it's up to me, I'm still going with a gun. Unless I can choose a lightsaber:

LEBEOUF DOESN'T HAVE PUBES YET

“I’ve said this before, women are a vice to me." - Shia LeBeouf Dude. Shut. The Fuck. Up. What an asshole...even at age 23 you still can't say things like this... because I pulled your card when you were 21 and talking like this. I remember an interview I read and he was saying how he is flawed and has vices and trying way too hard to color himself as some Byronic hero (WHOA, ENGLISH MAJOR ALERT!!!) You are 'Even Stephens' from the Disney Channel, you gotta have pubic hair before you can have vices. I don't care if you got into a gruesome accident and injured yourself (probably on propose) and think that gives you street cred. Chicks dig scars, not guys who can't handle their ride. A vice is a subtle, hidden, personal fault. Not something you declare to the world. And as far as women being a vice, it's called hormones you fuckhead. I walked around with a 24-hour erection when I hit puberty too, it didn't mean I had a vice it just meant I wanted to have sex with EVERYTHING so my boner would go away. Still workin on that, too. I just think this kid talks like such a hotshot, like he's predicting he'll be a legend of Hollywood stardom. The time has come and gone for that, you were already on the Disney Channel.

The only shot at redemption you had was your mugshot. If you get arrested for something cool and then get a good mugshot, you can maaaybe turn yourself into an icon. But look at that picture above, he looks like a Spring Breaker who got arrested for slipping some girl a Mickey--he's probably wearing flip-flops too. If you want to talk about the best celebrity mugshots of all time, the list begins and ends with Frank Sinatra's:

Are you shitting me? Look at that mugshot!! You could have GQ's best photo crew in the world work on LaBeouf and they couldn't make him look like Sinatra here. And do you know what Frank was arrested for? "seduction and adultery" Now THAT is a vice, LeBeouf.

SPECIAL AGENT YAHOO, MA'AM

I just got this e-mailed to me at my Yahoo account. Looks like son of fuzzy is retiring. Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) Anti-Terrorist And Monitory Crime Division. Federal Bureau Of Investigation. J.Edgar.Hoover Building Washington Dc Customers Service Hours / Monday To Saturday Office Hours Monday To Saturday. Attn: Beneficiary, This is to Officially inform you that it has come to our notice and we have thoroughly Investigated with the help of our Intelligence Monitoring Network System that you are having an illegal Transaction with Impostors claiming to be Prof. Charles C. Soludo of the Central Bank Of Nigeria, Mr. Patrick Aziza, Mr Frank Nweke, Dr. Philip Mogan, none officials of Oceanic Bank, Zenith Banks, Barr. Derrick Smith, kelvin Young of HSBC, Ben of FedEx, Ibrahim Sule,Larry Christopher, Dr. Usman Shamsuddeen, Dr. Philip Mogan, Paul Adim, Puppy Scammers are impostors claiming to be the Federal Bureau Of Investigation. During our Investigation, we noticed that the reason why you have not received your payment is because you have not fulfilled your Financial Obligation given to you in respect of your Contract/Inheritance Payment. Therefore, we have contacted the Federal Ministry Of Finance on your behalf and they have brought a solution to your problem by coordinating your payment in total USD$11,000.000.00 in an ATM CARD which you can use to withdraw money from any ATM MACHINE CENTER anywhere in the world with a maximum of $4000 to $5000 United States Dollars daily. You now have the lawful right to claim your fund in an ATM CARD. Since the Federal Bureau of Investigation is involved in this transaction, you have to be rest assured for this is 100% risk free it is our duty to protect the American Citizens. All I want you to do is to contact the ATM CARD CENTER via email for their requirements to proceed and procure your Approval Slip on your behalf which will cost you $110.00 only and note that your Approval Slip which contains details of the agent who will process your transaction. CONTACT INFORMATION NAME: Mr. Kelvin Williams EMAIL : dmbenson217@gmail.com Telephone: +23480 27 485 165 Do contact Mr Kelvin of the ATM PAYMENT CENTER with your details: FULL NAME: HOME ADDRESS: TELL: CELL: CURRENT OCCUPATION: BANK NAME: AGE: So your files would be updated after which he will send the payment information's which you'll use in making payment of $110.00 via Western Union Money Transfer or Money Gram Transfer for the procurement of your Approval Slip after which the delivery of your ATM CARD will be effected to your designated home address without any further delay.We order you get back to this office after you have contacted the ATM SWIFT CARD CENTER and we do await your response so we can move on with our Investigation and make sure your ATM SWIFT CARD gets to you. Thanks and hope to read from you soon. ROBERT S. MUELLER, III DIRECTOR, FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION UNITED STATES DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE WASHINGTON, D.C. 20535 Note: Do disregard any email you get from any impostors or offices claiming to be in possession of your ATM CARD, you are hereby advice only to be in contact with Mr. Kelvin Williams of the ATM CARD CENTER who is the rightful person to deal with in regards to your ATM CARD PAYMENT and forward any emails you get from Thank GOD the FBI has my back. Now I can collect a cool 11 mill. I got this informative email from the very discreet address, fbidirector@yahoo.com. And see how instead of using my real name, they just call me 'Beneficiary'? Yeah, that's class right there. you have to be rest assured for this is 100% risk free it is our duty to protect the American Citizens. Oh, I am being rested assured. All I gotta do is give $110 transaction fee? The ROI is phenomenal. This'll be the easiest 11 million dollars I'll ever make. And look how Director Mueller signs off, "Thanks and hope to read from you soon." See how is English is kinda whack, and looks like a non-English speaker wrote this e-mail? He must be undercover somewhere. Africa maybe, and he's just in so deep that he can't break character, but he took his time to write me this e-mail. That Mueller is something else I tell ya.

CNN.com---A group of would-be muggers in a Sydney, Australia, met their match Tuesday night in the form of black-clad ninjas. The three stalked and attacked a German exchange student, 27, in a dimly lit alley that fortunately for the victim ran behind the Ninja Senshi Ryu warrior school, according to an Australian Broadcasting Corp. report. Ninja student Nathan Smith was standing in the shadows outside the dojo when the attackers set upon the victim and quickly called for help from his classmates inside, according to a report in the Sydney Morning Herald. Sensei Kaylan Soto and three other students in full ninja gear quickly responded. "We looked around to see what was happening and there were three blokes on this guy just kicking him and punching him in the head," he told the ABC. "We started running towards them and they took off. They would have seen five of us in ninja gear ... all in black with our belts on, running toward them.” Before I say anything, let me say that a few years back when everyone started getting all hyped up about pirates and ninjas and everyone's facebook.com status was all like "I'm a ninja---BEHIND YOU!" I wasn't any part of that. I thought it was stupid to go around and tell everyone I was a ninja just for laughs. Because I am a ninja, and that's not how we do things. There's a certain code of honor that one mus--BEHIND YOU! That said, I think these ninjas are impostors. They sound like the mall cops of ninjas. Too many discrepancies in this short story. Like what kind of ninja calls an enemy a "bloke?" Ninjas say things like 'worthy adversary' and 'youu durty raaht'. And then this was the nail in the coffin: The ninjas gave chase but could not catch the assailants. Police told the ABC they arrested two male suspects, ages 16 and 20, and are looking for a third. Their intended victim suffered only minor injuries. Ninjas couldn't catch a couple of teenagers? If a ninja saw someone being dishonored, the assailant would not escape without getting a couple of shurikens to the dome. So I call bullshit...unless the third durty raht shows up in a shadowy river looking like this:

PLANS FOR PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST

Alright so I know that every time someone logs on to read this blog, they have been waiting for this post. Everybodys gotta know, What does son of fuzzy blogspot.com think should be done in the Middle East... Now, I'm not gonna sugar coat it. As of now, Looks like the Middle East is headed to hell in a Honda. I've never been there but I watch the movies, the TV shows, and I read many, many scholarly journals. Everyone seems to agree that its a fucked up zone. But I have some plans for peace...stay with me... My first plan is for our future president, Arnold Schwarzenegger to go over on one last solo mission. I know he's retired from action, but when has he not come through for us when we needed him? Dutch is Clutch. If you thought the Middle East was getting fucked up now, just Wait til Arnie gets over there because then it's all over. All he needs is a belt-fed machine gun, a cigar, and a few buckets of tanning oil. And if he really starts giving out about how he's "retired" and only does politics, all we need to do is make it look like someone in the Middle East kidnapped his child and he'll go ballistic. One hour and forty-five minutes later; problem solved. I can see the last scene now: Arnold on a camel with his rescued child on one shoulder and a small Arabic boy who helped him along the way on the other shoulder. The three are riding away from a massive explosion that killed every member of Al Quaeda. Then the hot, busty Arabic lady says, "Arnold! Look!" and out of the explosion flies a huge treasure chest full of Kuwaiti bullion. It's a fortune, enough to pay off the U.S. debt and let everyone live happily ever after...Arnold looks at the small Arabic boy and quips, "Now THAT'S a Profit, Muhammed!" BOOM! Feel-good-action theme song, roll credits. Now since some people aren't going to like the Arnold plan, because it's structured around violence and it may be slightly unrealistic, I have a passive-aggressive plan as well. First, As much as I'd like to simplify things and just say that the Middle East is full of crazed people whose brains have melted because they wrap towels around their heads in 110 degree heat, I really believe they are just fighting for their rights. They got a bunch of foreign entities, companies and forces trying to rape their land of its most valuable resource. So they do what any young male would, they start fucking shit up and acting savage. I mean, If the Red Sox win a World Series, throngs of Boston's young males start burning shit down and flipping cars and throwing shoes. Testosterone is a hell of a hormone. What my plan focuses on is the fact that Muslims are just too preoccupied with politics, Have you ever talked to a Middle Easterner? ALL they talk about is politics, to the point where it's like, OK I get it. You pay care about the world around you and I don't. But it's excessive. "Hey Achmed, how's your car running?" "This car? Want to know the car, how it runs?? This car runs on the blood of my people, little ones killed by the infedels missino of greed and lust..." "Aright, Achmed. gotcha" So my plan is to just distract them with loads of entertainment. Kind of like how most Americans probably couldn't name their state Senators and Reps because we're too busy reading about Kendra's sex tape and whether or not Heidi is getting too much plastic surgery (admit it, it is sad that EVERYONE knows who I'm talkinga bout). The Middle East needs the following things right away: Movies, Video games, Pornography, TV, Online gambling, and pornography. Then they need to all be brainwashed, like from Clockwork Orange. Just sit every male in front of a computer screen with some porn, online poker, and the first season of "Lost" cascaded across the screen. Then let him play Modern Warfare 2. Problem solved. Do you think anyone is gonna blow themselves up before they find out whats in The Hatch? Just mail the Nobel Peace Prize to my house, I can't make the ceremony...I'll be too busy watching porn and playing Snood that day.

THE GALAXY CONFOUNDS SCIENTISTS....NO SHIT

(buzz.yahoo.com) Outer-Space Mysteries Capture the Web by Claudine Zap-- An "impossible" star is born. And a hole in space shows what happens once a star is formed. How did that get there? That's not the only unexplained mystery in space. That same Herschel infrared telescope also picked up an enormous hole in space. A story from Space.com has a scientist noting, "No one has ever seen a hole like this." The surprising find is confounding scientists because it is so unexpected. When a star forms, it's surrounded by gas and dust. (See above.) But how a newborn star shakes off the space debris to emerge from its birth cloud hadn't been fully understood. Until now: Black patches near the stars were always around a reflective gas, NGC 199 blah, blah, science. Ok, for starters, did they definitely write "No one has ever seen a hole that big"? You ever been to qmov.com? Do your homework before you start dropping stats you can't go to bat with. And the reason this article caught my eye was because they said they were confounded like Yeah, of course you're confounded, it's the fucking universe! It's insane how complex it is, if I even think about it I get an anxiety attack. Just look at that picture above. I even had to stop smoking weed because of how big the universe is, I'd get high at a party and then someone would just ruin my night: "Hey man, you ever look up and see how big the universe is and think---God doesn't exist?" I'd have to leave and go home. Whenever I hear on one of the science channels, like Discovery, Nature, whatever; when i hear, "Thomas spent his whole life studying the galaxy"...I think they should just say "Thomas wasted his entire life" Or more accurately, "Thomas spent his whole life sitting at a telescope briefly and then eating cold pop-tarts while watching television from Price Is Right straight thru to the late night Seinfeld re-runs" because how much could you actually do? I mean, you look up; think about the fact that you are staring at infinity; Anxiety attack; then you call it a day. And did I read this part right? "satellite carries the SyFy channel", No wonder no one is contacting us, look at the shit on these channels; (credit to Coco) Is that seriously how we're gonna represent ourselves to aliens? If I had to pick something sci-fi I'd show Quantum Leap up there. Because that was a great show AND it makes us look high tech. Scott Bakula was born to be an intergalactic ambassador. But if I was in charge of what program to show, I would hands down choose the Dog Whisperer. Straight Cesar Millan dominating a lower species. That way, if aliens ever decide to come down and visit, they'd come down knowing that Humans are in the dominant position; and they would submit and assume a passive attitude, nice and relaxed. Me and Scott Bakula would have aliens on leashes taking us on rollerblade rides us around the block. Dominate.

CHANGE? YOU KNOW, LIKE, COINS...

uncommonwisdomdaily.com--The #1 largest holder of U.S. Treasury bonds: China with $894 billion. Number 2? That would be Japan with $768 billion Holy Shit. So does anyone even know how much money that is? That can't even be real numbers, it must just be a bunch of suits fakin it till they make it. Like when you don't want to sound stupid so you just pretend you understand and nod your head yes. Maybe at the meetings there's no translators? I don't know, somethings fishy. But I can't wait for when the Chinese and Japanese start asking for their money back, you know the U.S. will pull some shit and dodge them for a few years. Won't answer their phone calls, keep the house lights off at night, when China knocks yell "We didn't order any delivery!" But when the Asians finally do catch up it'll be awkward. "ohhh, hey America. You know that coupre birrion dorrars you owe me? Yeah, uhhh, maybe I could have that back. rittre interest maybe too?" America will get all defensive and be like "China get off my fucken back, bro! you know times are tough, I'm stuck between Iraq and a hard place right now." "Umm, yeah. But we need the money, and you have it soooo." And then America will play hardball with a HUGE bluff and be like, "Whats the rush Asia? Huh? Why you need the money so bad? You trying to...militarize? Is that it? So you just want to take all that money and start some shit, Well guess what!? SANCTION TIME!!!" and that, readers, is how World War III will start.

HANLEY RAMIREZ IS A FIGNUTZ

Hanley fuckin' Ramirez. how bout some hustle kid? You know what separates you from a Little Leaguer? 100 pounds, performance enhancing drugs and too much free time. You know why I sucked at sports? Because I had a paper route growing up, didn't have time to hone my natural athletic prowess, I was too busy hustling up and down the street. Plus I sucked at sports. You make more money than every fucking person in the United States for playing a child's game. You don't think you could leg it out? It's insulting to the fans who pay for your bloated lifestyle. Same goes to all the guys who deny using steroids after blatantly being caught. Do they really think they're fooling us? THey must think we're a bunch of assholes; like when Sammy Sosa broke his bat and a syringe flew out. He was all "uh, No, what is this 'ster-oid' you speak of??" Sammy, the gig is up man. Asterisk. I got a big problem with this, which is just a microcosm of the entire entertainment industry. These people are so overpaid, from athletes to actors, that it literally makes me sad. Shouldn't there be some entertainment tax that redistributes some of that money to the community? And to pile it on, out of the little inkling of guilt that celebrities feel from knowing that their jobs are easy as shit and they make millions for doing very little, they go on and set up fundraisers and then ask US to give THEM money. All these athletes are laughing at us all the way to the bank, I can't even afford to go to major league games, because it costs 85 bucks for a cheap ticket and 8 bucks for one watered-down beer. Are you mental? Why the fuck didn't the first crowd that showed up for that first game with insane ticket prices just say, "NO" Then we wouldn't be in this expensive mess. And that had to be a joke right? When the fan said "1 ticket please" and the guy in the booth was like "oh..yeah, uhhh 350 bucks..." how is that acceptable? How do you even get shitfaced enough of 8 dollar beers to pay hundreds of dollars for a ticket to watch baseball!? (editor's note: Yes, Hanley is on my fantasy team, so this benching is making me suffer. He has been put on the trading block.)

LADY GA-CAPELLA

Lady Ga-Capella...I know, I impress even myself with my steamroller wit. This is how much of a force Lady Gaga is, her music can make a University of Oregon male acapella group's performance watchable. And even though this video runs out of steam around the 1:30 mark (with the exception of a "Poker Face" sneak-chorus) I bet every single person watches the entire video, and some might even get goosebumps.

Y'OBAMA'S JOKES ARE SO BAD...

...IMA BLOG ABOUT 'EM!! Ahhhh Snap! Did anyone catch this: morningstaronline.co.uk--On Saturday Mr Obama joked about using Predator drones at the annual Washington Correspondents Association dinner. The joke was ostensibly aimed at the Jonas Brothers pop group, who were among the large number of celebrities invited to the glitzy affair. The President began by noting that his two young daughters were fans of the boy band and went on to warn: "...But boys, don't get any ideas. Two words for you: Predator drones. You will never see it coming. You think I'm joking?" The cigar just fell out of my mouth. Is this the same guy who said “you got to clean up your act” when Bernie Mac said “ho“ in a joke to a political crowd? That criticism literally killed Bernie. And now Obama appears to have Hitler writing his jokes. Obama doesn't just make bad jokes he drops horrific napalm jokes and no one calls him out on it. Remember when he nuked the Special Olympics by saying he bowled like a retarded kid? I remember that nobody really cared, People were just like, "...well he bowled a 27 which is fucken pretty retarded. Obama just speaks the truth, man; NO MORE LIES!" And now I've heard very little media coverage on this predator drone joke. and I only note the media coverage because we're on the heels of an 8 year stint with George W. Bush. Careers were made by mocking Bush's every word. And deservedly so. Remember when George Bush looked under the podium and said "No WMDs here" (proud pigeon head-bob) there was a collective SLAP of hands hitting foreheads when he said that. One guy even tried to throw a shoe in W's mouth. The world's people were dying because he lied about knowing where WMDs were, and now he's joking about it? But I guess it’s okay if a liberal makes the joke because they can rest on their laurels, they're the blue collar party for human rights. Imagine if Dick Cheney was like, "I don't mind if my daughter marries a lesbian, I'll just predator drone the shit out of their wedding...won't even see it coming." People would have burned effigies! But Barry just seems to have a free pass, According to one recent estimate by Pakistani officials, about 700 Pakistani civilians, the majority of them women and children, were killed by Hellfire missiles fired by drones in attacks ordered by the White House during Mr Obama's first year in office. “What's the deal with predator drones!? They kill civilians!” AWHAHAHA!!! Isn’t the honeymoon over ? Can we call this guy out yet or does everyone still feel like saying a negative thing about Barack is equivalent to a hate crime? Get some balls America. On a side note, I'm not a Neo-Conservative Republican or anything. I listen to Propagandhi dude…but even if I was I wouldn't admit it. 'Republican' has become a cuss word these days, it's an ignominious title (was on my Word of the Day Calendar). It’d be like saying your a gay-communist in 1950's America…total faux pas. And as far as jokes go, I am not one to draw boundaries. But if I make a joke about abortion on a free blog read by 7 people (7 fans can't be wrong!) it doesn't deserve the same scrutiny as the leader of the free world joking about a missile that separates flesh from bone and hones it skills on deemed 'lesser humans' i like the noise he makes at the very end. keep clicking the mouse cursor to the part just before he makes the sound, and loop it so he keeps making it. That sounds like a confused penguin or like a cat breathing.