AIR FORCE KICKING GAYS OUT?

AP---Jene Newsome played by the rules as an Air Force sergeant: She never told anyone in the military she was a lesbian. The 28-year-old's honorable discharge under the "don't ask, don't tell" policy came only after police officers in Rapid City, S.D., saw an Iowa marriage certificate in her home and told the nearby Ellsworth Air Force Base. I don't get this one. Jene (pronounced Jeh-Nay, like in Forrest Gump) is a lesbian who got married in Iowa, where same-sex marriage is legal. She's in the Air Force. So then apparently some cops "stumbled" onto her marriage license during a routine window inspection: Police officers, who said they spotted the marriage license on the kitchen table through a window of Newsome's home, alerted the base. ...and they go and rat her out. So obviously these guys were sent there by the Air Force so they could kick Jeh-Nay out because there were some rumors going around the base. That is some extreme homophobia. Now I could see being a homophobe in the Army or in the Marines because you gotta sleep in foxholes together. A homophobe doesn't want to have to ask a gay guy "do you got my back tonight?" But in the Air Force you have your own plane, you don't have to be next to anyone really except for at lunch. And everyone knows gay guys have the best gossip so they're awesome to have at lunch. I would have figured the Air Force was where gays would be expected to be serving. And to anyone in the Air Force who doesn't like gay people, If you are that much of a homophobe, why did you sign up to sit in something called a cockpit? That sounds like a gay torture/sexual device.

TODAY'S POPULAR MUSIC IS GROSS

Sometimes I feel like I’m a 80 year old trapped inside the body of a 24 year old… which is probably great for the 80 year old...but not for me, the 24 year old. But the whole point is this goddamn music. Don’t get me started on Ke$ha’s Tik Tok, the video starts with her stumbling downstairs drunk and ruining a perfectly wholesome family breakfast. Yea, Girl Power! I'm writing this really quick because everytime I hear that song According To You by Orianthi I want to kick something. This bitch wrote a whole song talking about how the guy she’s with now thinks she’s a slob. Always late, annoying, ruins good jokes. And then some other guy (“Him”) thinks she’s Helen of Troy. Wait, hold on… Orianthi, you mean some guy that wants to bang you is saying really sweet stuff to you and thinks your great? Oh WOOOOOW, you should really give him a chance. He sounds like he really cares about you! WRONG! Listen the other guy in the song ("You") has to put up with her shit everyday. This other guy "Him" just gets to try and talk her panties off. If he had a song it'd probably be one of those degrading rap songs. And it's not like "You" is being an asshole. Orianthi, if you show up ten minutes early no one can say that you're late. It’s not like you can show up somewhere and "You" can turn the clock ahead to change the time and make you late. Late is late. I mean, I feel terrible for this guy "You." It's not like he has some song out there that gets to play everytime after her song that explains: "She was late to my nephew's baptism and then got too drunk at my brother's house and puked in the fridge." He just has to sit there and take it. But you know what? He's probably a good guy, wouldn't do that anyway. Probably too busy volunteering somewhere. Heart o' gold, that guy.

FAIL.

The "Fail." Most people see this term superimposed over pictures in chain e-mails or on humor websites. It's kind of like a title that you give to a happening, it's not a verb, it is a noun. It is always capitalized and always is followed by a period. As I would define it: One consciously tries to do something and fucks it up so completely that their action makes them look like a mental defective and/or are injured, physically or mentally, in the process. It is usually a quick event but it can be a drawn out event, the whole point is that it has to be a major fuck up because the term Fail. is always capitalized. But enough with the semantics because I actually like the term BUT it has become a bit of a trend and, like all trends, it is being overused and misused. Since its inception, probably by some uncredited computer gaming nerd who gets pissed every time he hears it now, the term is steadily gaining steam. So now people use it not just by superimposing it over pictures but by saying it out loud. So if you see a bird fly smack into a closed window, you can smile and say "Fail." The bird hasn't failed but what happened was a Fail. I think that the term Fail. is overextended, and people don't know how to use it. I'm writing this because I heard is grossly misused the other day. One kid was trying to put a dollar bill into a vending machine and the machine wouldn't take it because the bill had a bent corner or something. And his buddy says, "Oh! FAIL.! FAIL.! Failure!" First off, never use it more than once or the effect is gone, and never couple it with a different tense. But in this case it isn't a Fail. That's like a computer malfunction, it wasn't the kid's fault. So, I looked at the buddy and pointed at him and then I said, "Fail." And then I took off because they were about 12 years old and I might have scared them or some lady might have thought i was like, "Feel?". But hopefully he took away a valuable lesson. So it was because of this that I figured I'd just try to begin and clear this issue up right here on sonoffuzzy.blogspot.com. So, since humans are visual learners, here are some prime examples: The quick Fail.: Clearly this professional baseball player was trying to catch the ball with his mitt not with his mug. Fail. A drawn out Fail.: You know the guards that are supposed to stand at perfect attention? That guy was trying to do that. Fail. Then there is the almighty Nationally Televised Fail. This is the worst because every sees it: And that last Fail. brings me to a question of my own. If nobody sees it, is it a Fail.? If a tree in the middle of the forest falls on the guy who just cut it down and there's no one around to say "Fail." Is it so? There are probably some great Fail.s that will never be known because no one was there to see it. Like, what if you drop your cell phone into the toilet while trying to take a picture of the massive shit you just shat in order to send it to your friend. Epic Fail.

12 YEAR OLD GIRL ARRESTED FOR DOODLING

(CNN) -- There was no profanity, no hate. Just the words, "I love my friends Abby and Faith. Lex was here 2/1/10 :)" scrawled on the classroom desk with a green marker. Alexa Gonzalez, an outgoing 12-year-old who likes to dance and draw, expected a lecture or maybe detention for her doodles earlier this month. Instead, the principal of the Junior High School in Forest Hills, New York, called police, and the seventh-grader was taken across the street to the police precinct. Alexa's hands were cuffed behind her back, and tears gushed as she was escorted from school in front of teachers and -- the worst audience of all for a preadolescent girl -- her classmates. Alexa is no longer facing suspension, according a spokeswoman for the New York City Department of Education. Still, the case of the doodling preteen is raising concerns about the use of zero tolerance policies in schools. Spare me Alexa. You knew there was a Zero Tolerance Policy about doodling. And you go on and write a love note to your pals and then sign and date it? It's not like you wandered off into a day dream and your pencil slipped off your workbook and you drew a smiley face. You blatantly disregarded the ZTP and used a fat green marker on the desk. That would be like if the school said "ZTP: No Rioting," and then you took your shoe off and tried to break a window with it. (true story). That is just spitting in the eye of authority, which I am all for in certain cases, but don't start blubbering when the hammer comes down. Take it like a man, you 12 year old girl. That's a major problem I have with the kids today. I feel that after my generation the kids starting becoming such wise asses with no respect. and shorter too. I think the first time I used the phrase "Those goddamn kids" was in the tenth grade.

SURPRISE!!!

Before March 14th, I firmly believed that I was, pound-for-pound, the best surpriser in the world and one hell of a prankster on top of that. No one can make you jump like I can. When I go to a surprise birthday bash, I want to surprise the person like how John Hinkley surprised Ronald Reagan. I want them to pee a little bit. My tenacity was unmatched... until this: <NEWS.BBC.CO.UK--Panic was sparked in Georgia after a TV station broadcast news that Russian tanks had invaded the capital and the country's president was dead. The Imedi network report, which brought back memories of the 2008 war between Russia and Georgia, was false. Imedi said the aim had been to show how events might unfold if the president were killed. It later apologised. This just tops every prank and surprise I have ever pulled. I think my highest multi-surprise was maybe two or three people (unless you will count me graduating from college in May, that'll shock a few folks). The Imedi network surprised an entire nation of people with a good ol' fashioned "WE'RE BEING INVADED. THE PRESIDENTS DEAD!" This is up there with Orson Welles' alien invasion. Just legendary stuff.

INFORMATIVE MEDIA?

Judging from the media coverage February 19, 2010 will be “a day that will live in infamy”. You will be asked “Where were you when it happened?” A frantic man can be heard giving commentary, “OH! THE HUMANITY! THE HUMANITY!!!” The day, of course, is the day that Tiger Woods issued his public apology to the world for his marital infidelity. Every television channel aired the event, the radio and Internet were abuzz and the following day it was on the front page of every major newspaper. Wait, wait, wait -- Hold on… a man cheating on his wife is not front page news. Is it? Well, it is in America; the most entertained and the least informed nation on the planet. February 19, 2010 will not be remembered for Tiger Woods. But did anyone hear about anything else on that day? Were there actually no other more important press conferences? How did this event appeal so much to the American masses? Well, the story’s appeal is due to the fact that it involves the two most popular news items of the day. What could be more delicious to a consumer population bloated with sports and sexy gossip than a dessert-like fusion of both? Today's media regards tabloid journalism with as much deference as should be reserved for professional journalism. The average media consumer finds nothing wrong with this trend in spite of the obvious futility of it. To have our top news outlets and most talented journalists take one whole day and devote it to Tiger Woods saying sorry for a personal matter is nonsensical. It could just be that the pace of life is slow enough so that more momentous happenings can not occur daily by the 7 o‘clock news hour. After all, the Titanic can’t sink everyday, thankfully, but the downtime between such events could most certainly be used more constructively than simply studying the trivial events in life. While our collective inner-sociologists are intrigued by such an event as a recognizable sports figure pulling a one-hundred degree turnabout right in front of us, it still does not deserve the amount of attention that Tiger Woods has gotten. It must be the gossip factor. The primal attraction to such gossip is undeniable. A social scientist may argue that as a social animal the human being does learn from an event that is merely gossip. Humans devour gossip as an evolutionary tool and learn what to do and what not to do by other human’s actions. But what is learned from this recent event? Why study it and pick it apart? Events that are newsworthy should be lessons we can learn from or that reflect the state of our nation or society. Gossip is for the water bubbler and can be traded inter personally with the same effect. Besides giving an entirely different meaning to playing 18 holes without the wife knowing, what did Woods’ actions accomplish? The answer is, “Nothing.” It is just another dirty bomb from the American Media’s arsenal of weapons of mass distraction. While I am not suggesting that the media is run by some ill intending cabal, I am suggesting that us proles are allowing ourselves to be distracted. The media is an ever changing animal which molds itself to our preferences. So it can not be blamed for the amount of nonsense that it feeds us because we say we want it. As long as the ratings and the market exist that approve the garbage being reported the media providers will change nothing. So then, how can we change it? The obvious steps are to change our sources of media from the entertaining brand to the most informative one. When we stop buying gossip rags then gossip rags will stop being published. It is our ability as the consumer to control supply and demand, we should even start phrasing it “demand then supply.” By opting for media which is more specific to current events and news that covers state and federal government and local issues we could avoid all this trivial gossip. Or at least just save it for the weekends. Think of it as a diet for your mind. Some may see no problem in all this. If they want real news they know where to get it. They will say no one is obsessed with celebrity news it is just so accessible. In line at the grocery store, on our web browser’s homepage and on the majority of our television channels. The latter perhaps being the best indicator of our nation’s gross misappropriation of attention. Try to find a channel which is constantly discussing matters such as the best school to send your child to, or how to take active steps in your local government. There are only a few. As you cycle through the channels being broadcast on one of the most important inventions in technology of the past millennium you will find mostly junk programs. The time has come today when people must realize how more empowered they are than any preceding civilian population. Two words should explain: The Internet! Every Tom, Dick, Mary and Jane can access anything they want. The freedom of information and the speed of global communication is like a shiny new toy that now one has figured out how to use yet. The good news is that there are simple steps to make your daily intake of media more informative: Adjust your Internet homepage of choice so that the first stories you are prompted with are not filed under “OMG!” (like sonoffuzzy.blogspot.com); Adjust the presets of your car radio to talk shows. This step can make even a drive to the corner store packed with information; Write a letter to the editor of your local paper. Yes, he does exist and you can communicate with him. Tell him what you want to see on the front page of his paper. These steps and the many more that are similar are too obvious to enumerate. As the reader and the audience it is the American people’s jobs to make sure they are keeping themselves up to date on the pertinent news of the day. The fact that Tiger is on the front page and news of the wars, health care and the economy are buried is not the people’s fault. But it is our obstacle to overcome.

HEALTH CARE REFORM

I try and be a good American by watching CSPAN but I just do not get anything from it. Specifically I tried to watch the health care reform issue closely but, and tell me if I am the only one who thinks this, but it was the most confusing debate ever. A democrat would stand up and say, "if you don't vote for this then it's gonna cost you more money" Then a republican stood up and said "if you do vote for this then it's gonna cost you more money" And that is all I heard. I kept waiting for one guy to stand up and just completely blow it and blurt out, "if you do vote with us then you're gonna get screwed---oh sonofabitch! alright, the gig's up! the other side is right." If this echoing debate isn't bad enough, Some woman got up and used her 1-minute allotted time to talk about Kentucky basketball. Is she lost? Do representatives do that? Just get up and shoot the breeze? But I do enjoy the language that the house members have to use, because when debates get emotional it is the only thing that separates them from sounding like two guys arguing in a bar room at last call. Like when some Guy 1 pisses Guy 2 off, and Guy 2wants to tell him "shut the fuck up" he can't, he has to say "Will the gentleman yield? Yield, please!" and Guy 1 says "Ok, I yield." I love it. I wish I was in politics because I would just never yield and win every debate. This polite kind of back-and-forth happened a lot when Rep. Eric Cantor R-Virginia was going at it with Rep. Steney Hoyer D-Maryland. Watching it, I think that Hoyer came out on top. But I don't know what they were talking about, they were just screaming Yield and something about abortions. I'm pretty sure their arguing got a road fixed somewhere in the Northwest. Oh and I have a pretty good idea why no one likes Republicans. Rep. Eric Cantor has this title under his name "The Minority Whip" --- That has to be the WORST title ever. The republicans are in a bad way with most of America anyway and they are historically, recent republicans that is, not receiving the minority votes. So why would you call yourself a Minority Whip? Everytime I saw Cantor's face on the TV screen the big bold words "MINORITY WHIP" was right on his forehead. I'm just saying. So now the Bill passed. Except from what I understand there's just going to be more arguing over it. So stay tuned into CSPAN to yield some of the action. Oh and take a look at BO's siggy on the Bill. He had to use 22 pens so that all the people hovering over him had mementos. But it looks like he used 20 of the pens on just the "O" in Obama. So now the O looks demented. Was making our President's signature look like a 6 year old's signature really worth it?

SPARTACUS HAS CANCER

Why do the gods piss on me? Spartacus: Blood and Sand is one of the first television series that I have watched on a regular basis in a long time. I tried Lost but who could honestly follow that show? But now I've been faithfully watching the new Spartacus episodes as they come out. Now Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma trys to kill Andy Whitfield??? First of all, N-HL, who do you think you're going after here? We're talking about the gladiator who defeated the Shadow of Death and saved Crixus' life. Ol' Lymphoma musta thought it was getting the first Spartacus, Kirk Douglas. Kirk is pretty old I bet Non-Hodg could have gotten him. But not the new Spartacus, he's too bad ass. The thing that sucks is it's going to push back production on season 2 by a few months. And I'll probably stop watching. So I guess Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma wins this one...

WORLD'S NEW RICHEST MAN IS FROM MEXICO !!!

Forbes.com -- Carlos Slim Helu takes No. 1 spot on Forbes World's Billionaires list as a record 164 10-figure titans return to the ranking amid the global economic recovery. Riding surging prices of his various telecom holdings, including giant mobile outfit America Movil (AMX), Mexican tycoon Carlos Slim Helu has beaten out Americans Bill Gates and Warren Buffett to become the wealthiest person on earth and nab the top spot on the 2010 Forbes list of the World's Billionaires. Slim's fortune has swelled to an estimated $53.5 billion, up $18.5 billion in 12 months. Shares of America Movil, of which Slim owns a $23 billion stake, were up 35% in a year. This is great, great news! I remember when I found out that some guy named T Boone Pickens had become multimillionaire-rich. I figured that if a fellow named T Boone, last name Pickens, had made it then I had at least a sliver of hope. But now the richest guy in the world is Mexican!? Not to sound ignorant, but I think in Mexico a taco actually has monetary value. My fortune is as good as guaranteed! Mexico is a disaster according to Hollywood movies: human trafficking, kidnappings, drug cartels and people at fiestas shooting their guns off and the bullet kills a guy on its way back down and Brad Pitt is there. And when has Hollywood ever been inaccurate? But that's all gonna change now. This is gonna be a big morale booster to all of Mexico. After the embarrassment of Prince Hubertus von Hohenlohe-Langenburg coming home empty handed from the 2010 Winter Olympics this is like having 100 gold medals around your neck. Puda Vida!

SEX WILL MAKE YOU LIVE FOREVER

(CNN) -- Researchers have long known that not only is sex fun (when done with the right person, of course), but that people who have frequent sex tend to live longer and have healthier hearts and lower rates of certain cancers. These studies also show that men with an active sex life have healthier sperm, and sexually active women have fewer menopause symptoms. In a British study, men who had intercourse at least twice a week lived longer than men who had sex less than once a month. A U.S. study had similar findings, and a Swedish study examining the sex lives of 70-year-olds found that men who died before their 75th birthday had ceased having sexual intercourse at earlier ages. CNN playing wing man. Nice! Just when I thought I had picked every piece of fruit off the "You-know-sex-is-supposed-to-make-that-better" tree -- CNN pulls out this game changer! I was actually getting nervous, it got to the point that my girlfriend just stopped complaining about any physical or emotional pain to avoid me trying to use my old line. What's that baby? You stubbed your toe??? You know what helps that... Doesn't matter anymore though, because we're literally talking life or death here. Men NEED it or we're all gonna die. Like, really. And I'm pretty sure this makes Big Trouble in Little China a documentary or PSA now too. So now with this medical break through, the significance of which is probably only comparable to when they cure AIDS in the future, How long until it is misused? Like as an excuse by men who get caught cheating or sleeping around. And don’t think it won’t happen, because assholes everywhere are running out of excuses. First was Slick Willy blowing up the whole denial spot. Then Tiger really bogied on the sex addict thing. Couldn't you have just said you LOVE white women? You completely voided the term "sex addiction" as a real medical condition. I mean, look at what Eric Massa is resorting to: "Guys! It was a classic-Navy-tickle-fight!" So I'll just end this because at this point in the post I'm pretty sure all men who were reading are right now running around the streets like the infected at the beginning of a zombie movie---which means that the women are left and waiting to see what good news the study brought for them: The Swedish study didn't find that women lived longer if they had sex more frequently, and neither did a study in North Carolina. Bummer. Ever notice how whenever there is a story about sex on an online news site they always include a picture like this: That just looks like two lazy lovers fighting about who has to go on top. And I get it that it's supposed to be people who just had sex but everyone knows you never use the passive voice if you can use the active. The websites should use something more like this: Or since it's old people sex, something more like this: but definitely NOT this: ...thank god I had my camera handy on THAT Christmas.