YUP. THAT'S A SPICY CHICKEN SANDWICH WITH A JBC IN IT. DIG IT.

Classic Joe Cox.

When you dine with Joe, you dine with greatness. This makes the KFC Double-down look like an anorexic girl's snack.

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HIDE YA KIDS--HIDE YA WIIIIFE

And hide ya husbands cause Antoin Dodson rapin errebody up in  BET's Hip HOp Awards.   Don't call him a one hit wonder.

BEST BAR JOKE FROM THE WEEKEND

So after another weekend in the bar, and many, many jokes, I've narrowed it down to the best of the best....of what I can remember. This joke I am especially proud to present to everyone because it came to me as an original from the one and only Rudy Rock...and No, that's not his porn name that's his real name:

I woke up this past Sunday and turned over to my wife and said, "Ya know, I'm feeling a bit horny right now." And my wife said, "Ah, I'm horny too! What do you want to do?" She asked smiling.

So I told her, "Well, I want to try something a little exotic today..."

"Okay, honey, what do you want?" she asked me.

"I want the 'Chilean Miner'."

She looked confused and asked, "What's that?"

"It's when you go down on the shaft and come up two months later."

GENIUS, GENIUS, GENIUS!

credit to Rudy Rock, you're in the wrong business dude.

ROBERT "BOB" BOGLE

What---The-Christ--is that? This portrait is on display at Independence Hall.....really.

Imagine if you had someone draw a portrait of yourself and it came out looking like a 7 year old's crayon drawing of a zombie. Would you really let this slide? I would have loved to have been there to see the look on ol' Bogle's face after sitting still for 3 hours and then the "artist" was like, 'Okay, all finished..step around front and have a look!'

The only theory about this I could come up with: a night janitor was vigorously mopping and the butt end of his mop hit the original painting and took off Bogle's face. So the janitor had to recreate it with crayons and no one has noticed until me.

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HEY TRUCK STOP SIGN

It's called "subtlety." Google it.

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BLACKING OUT THE NEWS BECAUSE ONE IS YOUR NATION'S CITIZENS WAS AWARDED THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE --CLASSIC CHINA

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CLINTON, MISSOURI.....YOU GOT YOUR CHOCOLATE PENIS BACK!!!

Now I can't look at the Arby's hat without seeing a chocolate penis. It's like that picture of the old witch/pretty girl face. Except with an old hat/chocolate penis.


Thanks to Mtaylor for sending in this gem.

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BREAKING THE LAW! BREAKING THE LAW!

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OLD PEOPLE THINK YOUNG PEOPLE ARE CLUELESS----SHOCKAHHHH

NEW YORK— (Beth Harpaz - AP Writer) - Second-graders who can't tie shoes or zip jackets. Four-year-olds in Pull-Ups diapers. Five-year-olds in strollers. Teens and preteens befuddled by can openers and ice-cube trays. College kids who've never done laundry, taken a bus alone or addressed an envelope.

Are we raising a generation of nincompoops? And do we have only ourselves to blame?  Susan Maushart, a mother of three, says her teenage daughter "literally does not know how to use a can opener. Most cans come with pull-tops these days. I see her reaching for a can that requires a can opener, and her shoulders slump and she goes for something else."

Teenagers are so accustomed to either throwing their clothes on the floor or hanging them on hooks that Maushart says her "kids actually struggle with the mechanics of a clothes hanger."
 Many kids never learn to do ordinary household tasks. They have no chores. Take-out and drive-through meals have replaced home cooking. And busy families who can afford it often outsource house-cleaning and lawn care.

Mark Bauerlein, author of the best-selling book "The Dumbest Generation," which contends that cyberculture is turning young people into know-nothings, says "the absence of technology" confuses kids faced with simple mechanical tasks.
"It's so all laid out for them," said Maushart, author of the forthcoming book "The Winter of Our Disconnect," about her efforts to wean her family from its dependence on technology. "Having so much comfort and ease is what has led to this situation -- the Velcro sneakers, the Pull-Ups generation. You can pee in your pants and we'll take care of it for you!"


Hey you old assholes guess what:  Young Americans can't address envelopes because of a little something called e-mail.  We're going paperless, get with the times.  Are you upset we can't saddle a horse or don't know the pick-up/drop-off times for the Pony Express too? (google it) 

Oh, and know why can't we do our laundry?  Little invention I like to call "illegal aliens."  Ever heard of a Mexican?  You think it's a coincidence that millions of people are here illegally doing all our dirty work?  No, it's because we don't want to do that shit anymore so we opened up the borders....and we slashed wages.

And Can-openers?  Are you shitting me?  What is this lady feeding her daughter, dog food??    I mean, I can only use a can opener because I gotta get me that tuna protein but I'm pretty sure a can opener is one of the most awkward kitchen utensils ever made.    And hey! here's a crazy idea:  instead of watching and laughing as your daughter tries to feed herself and then blogging about how retarded she is....go fucken help her!  You people wonder why we're all "clueless."

The thing that tickles me the most is this we're being labeled the "dumbest generation" by people who couldn't figure out how to use condoms and ruined sex forever by riddling the population with STDs, and the state officials who thought that segregation was a solid institution that helped protect civil rights.  Plus they nearly ended the world with nuclear weapons.  And invented sitcoms.    You wonder why the youth doesn't want to learn shit from you.

PS - I hate to be the one who has to point it out to you -- but if your kid is struggling with the "mechanics" of a clothes hangar, a solid object with no movable parts,  and he is peeing his pants...then he might be a retard.  So you're calling retarded people nincompoops. 

JAPANANA MAN

....I have so many questions.




Oh, and I'm being "Dole-ah-Maaaahhhh" for Halloween! called it first!

The only thing that could have made this video any better would have been if Dole-ah-Maaahhhh saw the crying girl and did this instead:



The old "banana in the tail pipe" trick...translated into Japanese.

IF I DIE SOON, I WANT MY EULOGY TO BE AUTO-TUNED. BUT IF I DIE A LONG TIME FROM NOW, DON'T AUTO-TUNE IT.

Bedroom Intruder:





How do I never see these videos before the other 25 million people?  Thank god the Gooses Duece showed me this.  It's a song from the same kids who did Double Rainbow. 

This video has given me two revelations;  the first is that these kids are awesome.  Everyone involved, from the kids who have mastered auto-tuner to this Antoine Dodson  who gave them everything they needed on a silver platter.  From the spoken intro, to the hook to the chorus, to the refrain and to the cameo from his sister.   I think that this kid is the next Lil' Wanye, he probably faked this break-in just to become a rap star.  No way someone nails a live on-air interview like this, right?  Fucken awesome.

The second revelation is that this proves how easy rap is.  like this confirms it right? There is no arguing it anymore.  This could be a chart-topping club song and it's just an interview put through the auto-tune machine with a generic beat behind it.  I've always said that rap is just rhyming at a 3rd grade level, with the help of someone else's music/beat and a maybe a thesaurus.  Throw in some glittery, puffy clothes and some bling laid over a nice set of melons and you've made it.  and if you're songs not catching on: shoot somebody.  No press is bad press.

Also, the only way to truly appreciate this shit is to watch the original.  Like BigBadBillyG says, it adds depth.

SHIA IS THE EPPATOME OF A MAROON

Thanks Kikken. 

"FALLING"------IN LOVE

(Reuters) - A Belgian woman went on trial on Friday charged with the murder of a fellow skydiver and love rival who plunged to her death after her parachute was sabotaged.
Els Van Doren, 38, smashed into a back garden from some 4,500 meters (14,764 feet) in November 2006 because both her main and reserve chutes failed to open after she jumped from a plane with defendant, Els Clottemans, 26, their lover, Dutchman Marcel Somers, and another man.
Clottemans, an elementary school teacher, is accused of cutting through key parts of the parachute system the weekend before the jump to remove her rival and have Somers for herself.

So just like my cliched play on words "falling---in love"....this just sucks.  Falling to your death while parachuting is brutal, because you got the guts enough to jump out of an airplane, and then the chute doesn't open.  Just a total bummer.  Probably the same feeling as when you go for the Video Bonus on Cash Cab and the video question is  about some obscure marsupial,  shit luck for a ballsy move.

But what caught my eye about this story is  the obvious "didn't you see that coming?" factor.    This chick, the dead one, was screwing another chick's man...and she let the other chick pack her chute!?!?!?   You loco, ese?  I'd think that the pure weight of her brass balls would have sent her careening towards imalleable earth long before this incident.  Like, what are you thinking???  If I was banging some guy's chick, i wouldn't even turn my back towards him, let alone perform a death defying stunt with him as my safety coordinator.  I would at least, just out of common-courtesy-paranoia, offer to "switch the chutes" at the last second.  The old switcharoo is always a go to.  Like they say "trust everyone, but cut the cards."


P.S. - Being sabotaged is Reason #2 not to go skydiving.   Reason #1 being: it's skydiving.

LEAVE MEL GIBSON ALONE!

I think people forgot how hard life has been for Gibson. And while there's no excusing what he's said, and he's said some crazy shit, I think we could ease up a bit on him. I understand it got uglier than ever with this most recent rant with him panting and spewing guttural-spittling hatreds towards his ex-wife Oksana Grigorieva...but she sandbagged him! (typical Russkie) C'mon, that was supposed to be off the record! I mean I have personally said some things, like all of us have - don't deny it, that if someone had it secretly recorded then I'd have the same chance of being hired by any kind of employer as a pedophile does at a preschool. Now, again what he said was some fucked up shit and I'm not making excuses but I want you all to think of how hard his life has been and maybe we can give Mel a second..er, thir--well I guess fourth chance. But hey, Doesn't everyone deserve a fourth chance?

He grew up as one out of 11 kids, which means he probably didn't get much love and devotion from his parents. Certainly not the amount that everyone deserves. Maybe he felt neglected as a child. Then his acting career didn't exactly start off well.  He gets his first movie role as 'Baseball Player' in I Never Promised You A Rose Garden. He pours his heart and soul into that role as an extra and then his talent went uncredited.  Mel got left on the cutting room floor, Ignored--just as he was growing up.    No wonder he wants to bury his wife in a rose garden...it's because his acting efforts once got buried in A Rose Garden.

Aside from acting, just think about his personal life.  People seem to forget about how Mel's first wife and their child together died in 1979......

To read the rest of this shit, click on the link below...

MATT HARDIE--HOST OF ECLECTIC TASTE--BRINGS THE THUNDER FROM DOWN UNDER

What I like about Matt "The Hard Man" Hardie's online radio show, The Eclectic Taste, is that he's not afraid to say what we are all thinking. Like this little gem from last week's show: "sonoffuzzy.com is probably one of the best blog sites I've ever been to." He goes on to say that I'm "cynical without being viscous or mean-spirited," I'm "very on par with the Daily Show and Colbert Report," and that everyone age 16-48 wants my nuts. Also, Matt hit the nail on the head when he said called me "The Zeus of Pop-Culture" (maybe I'm paraphrasing.) This fucken page is STEEPED in POP CULTURE, bout time someone noticed. The thing I love about Matt's show is the honest op/ed on music that he offers, he doesn't have to play the suck-ass Kings of Leon 56 times an hour. Plus his "Beer Enthusiast" bit is always pumping out great suggestions...and he gave me an awesome euphemism for 'a drunk.' "I'm not shitfaced, I'm just really enthusiastic from all that beer I drank." He's switched on when it comes to sounds and he puts forward some songs that really kick ass that I would have never heard of otherwise. Local bands, B-sides and tracks that simply got outshined by singles are his specialty. For example, Boston's own The Dirty Truckers song ;The Boston Wrangler; was featured on his last show and has been stuck in my head all week. Which brings me to tonight, if you are reading this on Tuesday September 21, 2010, and the 11 o'clock hour is approaching, then stop what you're doing right now, unless what your doing is going to http://www.dqrm.com/, if it is then just keep doing what your doing. Go there right now and click on LISTEN LIVE to hear Matt's show. Here's a pictorial: But don't worry if it's after 11 o'clock on Tuesday 9/21, just go HERE scroll down to TUESDAY and look for THE ECLECTIC TASTE and click on Last Week's Show to hear Matt talk about sof.com. If you can't remember all this in the future, just come to this page and I'll have his link on the right hand side so you can listen to Matt's show every week and then when he's crowned Boston's Rock Revivalist you can say, I used to listen to him before he got big. The Eclectic Taste With Matt Hardie The Eclectic Taste- hosted by Matt Hardie, brings you a delicate blend of the finest mixture of alternative, indie and overlooked classics. My show is done in a free form style modeled after John Peel and the rock stations of the 60s radio revolution. This show comes to you in a half hour segment that works to educate the everyday man and stimulate his unknown free thinking desires. I work to bring you music you have been deprived of in the past, and the half hour will leave you feeling spirited and buzzed, lusting for more. Some highlights include TV on the Radio, The Pixies, Arcade Fire, The Horrors, Arctic Monkeys, Queens of the Stone Age, Black Keys, LCD Soundsystem, and The Replacements, among dozens of others, with more being added every show. I try to find new bands that I haven't heard of before all the time, so please send me feedback if you have any to offer. Also featuring social ravings, local show listings and bands on tour, and our favorite segment, the revival of the rock, Where every week I pick an artist from a specific genre and time period that has been neglected on terrestrial radio in the past. Tuesdays 11 - 11:30pm THANKS MATT! keep playing the rock and the beer in stock

I AM OFFICIALLY RETIRING FROM FANTASY BASEBALL

I know alotta things, but I don't what in the hell happened in my Fantasy Baseball League Semifinals matchup. My team, The JohnRocker AIDS Train, was rolling down a one-way track to legendary stardom. All I needed to do was to maintain a 9-5 lead over the weekend and it was mine, I was going to defeat the year's most winningest team. And plus it would have guaranteed a cash payout, and lord knows I need that wampum. But, what I say when it comes to Fantasy Baseball is that weeks--are won and lost on the weekends.....to tell this story; Let us set the mood for tragedy... . . . . . . . . . Yes, turn the lights off. and how about some imagery? . . . . . (^---borrowed/stolen from - arthawk87.deviantart.com) . . okay, nice representation of my current state if mind. Alright, below there are two boxes. The top box is the fantasy line as of the morning of Sunday 9.19 and below that there is the final line, the night of Sunday 9.19. W.T.Fuck? For starters, I worked from 10am-3am so all I could do was try and catch updates on my cellphone and at one point I was given a QS (making it 8-6), which basically meant I could not be beat. But then, like friggin Houdini was keeping score, it disappeared! it was just taken away from me? How, why?! Then, I notice that I only have 5 hitters starting (out of 11), who the shit gave the stand-down order? Because I ordered a goddamn code-red, Santiago! Then he steals a base on the last day to tie up the SB category. That team finished 8th overall in Total SBs, and this is coming from #3. Most importantly, note that the final score is a tie. 6 categories to 6 categories. But, since 4base riddim beat me 3 times during the regular season, the tie-breaker goes to him. Wouldn't a tie-breaker be better suited by the *current* week and not a week from April. The teams are completely changed since April, we're talking playoffs here! and don't think that Yahoo Fantasy Sports hasn't already recieved hate mail, I got time on my hands (obviously). But the sickest thing of all (I'm a total nerd, shut up I'll fight you) is that when you look at that final fantasy line...I lost my lead by .001 percentage of a Batting Average. If I had just another sniff of a hit I would have tied him in the category and skated to a 6-5 win, still a complete farce that it would have been that close but I would take it. .001, that tiniest percentage has consumed me. It is the narrowest margin you could lose the category by.....001.001.001.001 I've filled a legal pad just writing it over and over.001.001.001 I see it everywhere I turn. I stand at the counter at Dunks just mumbling it. .001.001.001.001 Now, this kid has owned the entire league all year. He has destroyed. He was like Drago. And I was like Rocky IV. I trained in the snow, I picked up heavy shit and threw it around my room, i ate a onion raw. I wanted this W. I even posted a league message that I was going to lead the slave rebellion over this team that has owned us all year, I renamed myself The JohnRocker SpartacAIDS Train, I'm not going to say it was my destiny, because that's a load of crap. I don't believe in destiny and fate, I make my own path. But my own path of self-determination was fucked up by someone else's destiny. You with me? And I don't care what that says about destiny & fate versus self-determination, I'M NOT SELLING OUT TO DESTINY! F.O.D.

VINCE WILFORK PULLS HIS GROIN

Still expected to make the start today.

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DOES ANYONE ELSE HATE THIS GUY?

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I know I'm not completely insane, but when this Burger King "It's morning--I'm hungry--I'm going to Bk" commercial comes on I feel the urge to make chimpanzee noises and tackle my TV. It's just like that 1-877-CARS-4-KIDS commercial. As soon as I hear the first few notes I punch my car radio off. like I punch it until it's off--it makes me want to accelerate, turn the wheel and speed into a concrete embankment. I hate to say it, but Quincy's own Dunkin Donuts are the ones who started this whole friggin "annoying,-off-beat-songs-and-strange-looking-people-will-stick-in-your-mind,-thus-the-product-sticks" marketing craze. And maybe it's because my highly-evolved brain isn't susceptible to such low-brow marketing, or maybe it's because my brain is slightly chemically imbalanced --- but I spaz for the clicker and kick my car radio every time one of them comes on. Anyone gonna give me some love on that? And for my money, Geico is the best TV commercial going. Along with the old Snickers commercials: love,love,love that shot of the token-Asian gettin his Snick on to close it out. GENIUS-GENIUS-GENIUS!!! (also, did I just give Snickers "get ya Snick on" idea or what? When Am I gonna get paid for this shit?) Anyone got some solid commercials they want to share&reminisce over?

BREAKING REPORT FROM MEXICO TV'S INES SAINZ: APPARENTLY, PROFESSIONAL SPORTS' LOCKER ROOMS ARE TEEMING WITH TESTOSTERONE!!!

NEW YORK -- The NFL is looking into how a female television reporter was treated at New York Jets practice Saturday. Ines Sainz, a reporter for Mexico's TV Azteca doing a story on quarterback Mark Sanchez, had footballs thrown in her direction by a Jets coach during practice, and players later called out to her in the team's locker room. NFL spokesman Greg Aiello said Sunday that the league and the Jets began looking into the situation when they were made aware of it Saturday night. I consider myself a pretty decent, respectful fellow, but if I saw this woman walking down a crowded city street I'd probably pull my pants down to around my ankles and yell out some pretty obscene sexual suggestions. And I'd definitely throw balls at her. I don't think I sound sexist when I say that this woman is completely exploiting her superior physical--er...abundances by even having pictures like the ones above. How does that further your career as a reporter covering sports? Go and try and find me pictures of Chris Berman wearing a banana hammock...on second thought-- Don't. it'd be like if a Priest used steroids and got wicked jacked, not at all relevant to your specific line of work. I understand why good-looks get on TV, but if you're gonna market yourself as a total fox I have some advice: When you go into a locker room and you shake that T&A, don't be shocked when the team full of guys who have pharmaceutical testosterone and HGH injected in their asses until veins pop out of their teeth all pop boners and try to gang-rape you. Go to red-carpet events and talk about dresses. Also, Ines has a husband and 3 kids.... So this husband of hers must be the most secure man in the world, right? "Honey, you off to work to go watch 50 men with statuesque bodies all shower? Okay, have fun baby!"

BEST BAR JOKE FROM THE WEEKEND

I spend most of the weekend in a bar, on one side or the other, so I may as well use some of the jokes that I inevitably hear. Some jokes are terrible and some are fantastic. And I remember when the Tiger Woods scandal broke it was like the flood gates just opened. I can't even remember an event that brought so many jokes---Conan had an entire nightly segment devoted to it. Anyway, here's teh best joke from this past weekend, whcih happnes to be a Tiger joke: . . . Tiger's recent scandolous behavior can be blamed on advice from his father, Earl, who told him: "Tiger, focus on golf and FUCK everything else!" . . . . And if you didn't think that was funny then maybe this recently leaked picture of Tiger's O-Face will do it for ya:

MAYBE THE WORST SCARED PEDESTRIAN #1 PERFORMANCE BY A MOVIE EXTRA EVER

You hear gunfire so you're going to do some kind of figure-skating pirouette to get out of harm's way? That's why you're an extra. In Speed.

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