GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLIO

WHY THE SHIT AREN'T THE CRASH KINGS UBER FAMOUS YET?

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AIRPLANES USE RADAR?

(CNN) -- New technology to modernize America's aging air traffic system promises to help air traffic controllers, and may have prevented a recent tarmac collision between two aircraft at a New York airport, say experts.
As part of its "NextGen" plan to overhaul traffic management, the FAA plans to replace its current radar tracking system by 2020 with a more accurate GPS-based network.
With the new technology, pilots and controllers can see surrounding aircraft in real time -- without the 10-second delay that comes with the half-century old radar technology.


Hold on are you shitting me? They don't use GPS yet? My phone has GPS.  What the hell are air traffic control rooms are still using radars for? This is fucking amazing news.

So some guy really just sits in the room and watches radar blips just hoping that planes carrying hundreds of people won't crash into each other? "Awwwwww whoawhoawhoawhoa WHOA! That was close.  Man!  Get on the tin can and tell Flight 88 to play the lottery tomorrow."  I don't think I'm gonna ever fly again until 2020. And what the hell is going to take that long anyway? It is already in my cell phone! ...not bragging, just saying.

MAN TOWN? FORGET THAT...I'M TALKING MAN MOUNTAIN!

(CNN) - It was two years in the making for a television crew to get access inside one of the holiest sites of the Greek Orthodox world, the monasteries on Mount Athos in Greece. The cluster of 20 monasteries has remained perched on the cliffs high above the Aegean Sea for centuries.

In the monasteries, also known collectively as the Holy Mountain or The Garden of the Mother of God, the monks spend most of their time in prayer and are purposefully isolated from the outside world.

"A woman hasn't been allowed on the mountain for over a thousand years," said Bob Simon, correspondent for CBS News' "60 Minutes."

That prohibition against women even extends to animals, with the exception of cats who pull double duty as rodent control. The only food the monks import is cheese - because it comes from cows. Otherwise they all grow their own food on the island.


I need some of this in my life.  Just a couple of dudes hanging in the mountains doin' cheese.  Why aren't they chartering trips here?  How have I never heard of this place before in my life?  I need a one-way ticket to the GMG baby.  Well, actually maybe make that a round trip...the whole 'no women allowed' thing could get pretty old, pretty fast.  


But I can't wait to see this documentary.  Guarantee that it shows some monks watching hardcore pornography daily.  Because how else do men survive without women?  Maybe a few monks are clicking all over sonoffuzzy.blogspot.com but besides that I don't see anyway to NOT have sex for 1000 years.  Besides the basic element of reproductivity, praying can't be that stimulating to anybody.


One thing I'd love to know:  Who that icy bitch from 1000 years ago was.  What woman visited the mountain and was just such a haggard, monumental nag that these monks said, "FUCK THIS SHIT!! I can't take it!  This whole mountain just became a man cave!"   Like she must have walked in and just start squawking about every little thing. "When's the last time you washed that robe?   How come you haven't shaved?  It smells like cheese in here!  son of fuzzy isn't even funny. "  Lifetime ban.

Lil historical FYI aside:

During World War II, Mount Athos came under the personal protection of Hitler when the Nazis invaded Greece. At the advice of German officers, the monks wrote Hitler and asked for the protection, which he provided. The monks told Simon that Hitler was planning to pillage the monasteries for their art treasures, even going so far as to send officers to photograph more than 1,000 works of art. But they said Hitler got bogged down in Russia and never removed any of the art.


Nice.  Nobody, and I mean NOBODY knew how to chill like Hitler.  He got a lot of things wrong, made some bad decisions.  (read: the Holocaust.)  Total jerk-off, psychopathic  egomaniacal dick wad.... But man could Hitler chillaxenhausen.  I heard he used to just cruise around in a Mercedes and go from art show to art show munching on pastries.  He would take you all over town, get you drunk then stay up until 2 am watching Disney cartoons (which back then was like watching Avatar) and telling stories.  Plus, Hitler knew how to dress.  Just a fashionable guy, can't take that away from him.   Too bad he was a spineless, worthless ideologue in the end.

THE FOOD REVIEWER

This is a future star. The Food Reviewer has been posting for a while now (while writing this up I actually learned he was just featured on Tosh.  Fucking Tosh and his v-necks get to every video first) but isn't even close to his potential.

 Here's the dope: He turns the webcam on, intros a snack item like fruit gushers, cheez-its or ring dings, he takes a bite, then he has what appears to be extensive inner-dialogue (the review), then he continues eating and finally he giggles and says something fat. I'm a fan.  These videos are laugh-until-I-cried funny.  And semi-semi-informative




And I know what everyone is thinking, "He's fat, what DOESN'T he like?" Well guess what:



I just scratched cheez-its off my shopping list.  If I ran cheez-its, I'd be doing some serious R&D to try and win back the Food Reviewer.

This video also gives insight to how he got so fat, his stomach appears to have it's own arm which pops up at the :32 second marker and growls as it feeds itself.


Maybe one of my favorites is the Ring Ding review.  This particular review just has so much depth and really shows off not only his writing skills (the phone reference during a RING-ding review.  Classic.) and his on-the-spot wherewithal like when the creme filling hits him outta left field.  He's so overwhelmed but at the same time maintains composure and continues the review.  But it also shows his enthusiasm.  When he says "I haven't had these in a LOONG time"...he sounds like a prisoner talking about sex with a woman.   I love it.  The consummate professional. Actually, he does call it a Yodel and halfway through eating realizes his mistake. If it wasn't for that, this review would be a definite Buy.




I'm expecting big things out of him.  Especially considering his poor diet.  His newer videos show him hitting puberty which is pretty scary.  But I think I will continue to subscribe.  I'm even trying to think of a food to send him to review.  Any ideas?  I was thinking about maybe like Now & Laters or those Skittles that change flavors halfway through eating them.  I think those would blow his mind.  Any ideas out there Internet?

BOW-CHICKA-WOW-WOW

Hello Barbie Lezz go Partay!


I heard this girl talking on TV about how she wanted to create a life-size Barbie doll with to-scale measurements so that people could learn about eating disorders that spawn from little girls growing up with grossly unrealistic physical standards or something or another. I didn't really pay attention because once they showed images of the life-size Barbie I was struck by her beauty. Look at those long, spidery legs....her lush larger-than-her-own-head breastestesses.  I sweetly imagine her stumpy fingerless hands running through my hair.  Me wrapping my hand around her waist, all the way around.  I'd whisper sweet nothings into her tiny ears.




I was reading through the "Get Real Barbie Campaign's"  fact sheet and saw this little tidbit of information: "If Barbie was a real woman, she’d have to walk on all fours due to her proportions."   Now that really gets my pendulum swinging, a woman who cuts to the quick.  


But perhaps the sexiest thing about Get Real Barbie is her discipline as noted in the Slumber Party Barbie of 1965's package which included a toy miniature bathroom scale that permanently dialed in on 110 pounds.  It came with a book titled "How To Lose Weight."  The directions inside?  Simple:  "Don't Eat."  BRILLIANT!  Preemptive weight loss plan, W-style.  


So let's help make this a reality, because unless I'm missing the point I think this girl wants to bring her to life.  And I call first dibs.  baby i'm gonna melt your plastic...


For more information, call the South Shore Eating Disorders Collaborative at 508-230-1732 or
visit the National Eating Disorders Association at www.nationaleatingdisorders.org

BLAST. THE HIP-HOP-LOLLIPOP DRINK...SO HOT RIGHT NOW

"(CNN) -- Seventeen state attorneys general are urging Pabst Brewing Co. to stop marketing to young drinkers and halt production of a new malt beverage promoted by rapper Snoop Dogg.
In a letter sent to the Pabst Brewing Co., Maryland Attorney General Douglas F. Gansler says "Blast" by Colt 45 is a 'binge-in-a-can" that targets youth. Gansler was joined by attorneys general from Arizona, California, Connecticut, Guam, Idaho, Iowa, Illinois, Kentucky, Maine, Massachusetts, New Mexico, Ohio, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Utah, and Washington.
San Francisco City Attorney Dennis Herrera also joined the petition, according to a written statement.
The makers of the new fruity blend came under fire after advocacy groups and politicians raised questions about its marketing campaign.
The drink, in a colorful 23.5-ounce can that resembles soda pop but has an alcohol content of 12%, more potent than a typical can of beer.
"They're marketing it as a single serving when in reality it's five servings in a can," said Raquel Guillory, spokeswoman for the Maryland attorney general. "We hope they would be a good corporate citizen."
Paul Porter of Industry Ears, a media watchdog group, says "Colt 45 makers are raising the alcohol level from the already high 6% to the even higher 12%, and enticing young people with hip hop themes and lollipop flavors.""

In related news, I'm going straight to the packy to pick up some Blast.  Probably gonna blast one while I'm strolling to the register, a second as I'm paying  and then a third as I pee in my jeans, pass out and break my face on the "NOT AN EXIT" door.   Does this guy know how to party or what!?

State attorneys are so silly.  I would have never have heard about Blast unless they launched a massive campaign saying how drunk it gets you.  It's like Adam and Eve with God.  Adam and Even were all "Hey God what's up."  And God replied, "DON'T EAT THAT FRUIT!!" And Eve was like, "What fruit?---oh this fruit.  Hmm, tempting now that I know about it. *crunch*"  (did I get that story right?  I went to public schools so I'm ill versed in...just about every subject.)

I love Pabst defense of their hip-hop, lollipop beverage:

"As with all Pabst products, our marketing efforts for Blast are focused on conveying the message of drinking responsibly," the statement said. "To that end, the alcohol content of Blast is clearly marked on its packaging."


Yes, the alcohol content IS clearly marked.  Yet, you also clearly marked the term "Blast" on its packaging soooo...  Not even the Twister of Linguistics himself could spin that bullshit.  If you're doing something at 'blast-speed' then chances are you aren't doing it responsibly.  Watch:

"Hey I'm gonna blast feed this baby"
"We're just gonna blast through this Bakini wax process"
"I'm just gonna blast this last Jenga piece on"
Surgeon : "and now that I've made my initial incision I am just pretty much gonna blast these conjoined twins apart!"
Doctor performing adult circumcision : "Now I'm just gonna blast this foreskin off...."

I actually did find one exception:
"I'm gonna blast this fire with a fire extinguisher."
Unless of course it was preceded with:
"Hey guys, I'm gonna blast some meth!"

This one almost worked too:
"Blast this guy with the defibrillator!"
unless...:
"Hey watch, I'm gonna blast this guy with a defibrillator"

I think I've blasted my point.

GET OFF YOUR HIGHLANDER-HORSE YOU LITTLE SHIT

I got a bone to pick with this Highlander 2011 car commercial kid.  

Am I the only one who remembers that this is Mrs. J's ride?  This little Blue Lagoon looking bastard rides around in SOMEBODY ELSE'S Highlander and treats people cruising in sedans like second class citizens.  Don't forget your real car is a wood-paneled minivan.  You skinny-jeans-wearing neverwas.

BEST BAR JOKE OF THE WEEKEND

To set the atmosphere for "Best Bar Joke Of The Weekend" I wanted to show a video of a drunk guy laughing so hard that he falls off his barstool but I found this video instead...close enough.   I laughed until i cried, literally had tears streaming down my cheeks laughing at this guy, I don't know why i think it's so funny.   Just all the different elements: the fatboy slim song, the genial mocking of the drunk by the other guys, the brazen confidence of someone who has had too much to drink but their face hasn't realized how fucked up the rest of their body is so they have a big ol' shit eating grin. And then the end is just priceless, a hand shake/freeze frame style digger.  Love it.

But anyway, the bar jokes from the weekend, which is why I'm writing this. There's one runner up:

Doctor tells a man that he's pregnant.  The man asks, "How the hell did I get pregnant?"  The Doctor replies, "Probably the usual way, lil' wine, lil' dinner..."

Simple yet effective.


And now, the best bar joke from the weekend (and of course, about Charlie Sheen):


How much cocaine did Charlie Sheen do?
.......
Enough to kill Two and A Half Men.

Brilliant.