THE GREATEST STORY NEVER TOLD...UNTIL NOW

  CLEVELAND - A Cleveland bartender whose more than $3,600 in accumulated tips blew away says he's lucky the money was found by two apparently honest men.

Michael May said he was almost in tears last weekend after he realized he'd driven off with a pouch containing the cash sitting on the roof of his car.


Cleveland downtown safety monitor David Hamilton found the bag lying in the street and kept it away from a homeless person who tried to take it away.

Hamilton and his team leader at the nonprofit Downtown Cleveland Alliance turned the money over to police, who traced it to May through bank receipts and checkbooks in the pouch.
May plans to give a reward to Hamilton and the team leader. Police will honor Hamilton at a ceremony next week.


This is a nice story, you know I like 'people-helping-people' and it's good to see a bartender come out on top.  But one thing about this story catches my eye....let's rewind a bit:
"Cleveland downtown safety monitor David Hamilton found the bag lying in the street and kept it away from a homeless person who tried to take it away... " 

OK. Hold on, what was that last part again?
"...David Hamilton found the bag lying in the street and kept it away from a homeless person who tried to take it away... "

That very last part again, just one more time but in slow motion please...
"keeeptt iiitt aawwaaayy ffrrrooomm aa hhooommmlleessss pppeerrrsssooonnn..."
 
Whoa.

Whoever wrote this up is lazy as hell, because within this news blurb there is probably an entire book to be told.  You could probably pitch this to a movie studio as a summer blockbuster,  maybe even craft an epic out of it.

The man fought off a homeless guy for 3,600 dollars!!  It's like a modern-day 'The Old Man And The Sea'--it's an unstoppable force meeting an insoberable object.  This guy Dave must be pure balls, could you ever imagine going toe-to-toe with a homeless guy for found cash?  $3,600 is enough for that bum to drink for like a week.   Have you ever even seen a bum fight? Their tenacity is unmatched.  And plus, homeless guys love found-cash like dragons love princesses.  It would take Super fucken Mario to get that cash away from that bum,  matter of fact I think Dave Hamilton should just go ahead and legally change his name to 'Mr. Super Mario.' or how about  'Mr. Pure Fucken-Balls.' a hyphen works there right?

Oh,, and just to show you how serious I am about this, I've already assembled the cast for the movie:

For the actor to play David Hamilton, a.k.a. Mr. Fucken-Balls, I'm gonna suggest Andrew Lincoln from the new AMC show 'The Walking Dead,'

 because homeless people and zombies are pretty interchangable,  meaning he wouldn't have to do too much character studying.  That's gonna help if we're gonna hit our release date of Summer 2011.

For the homeless guy I'm thinking Nick Nolte;

I'm pretty sure his schedule is clear, and it would reduce costs on makeup and wardrobe.

For the hot chick that Lincoln will fall in love with (I'm just following the movie formula here, people) let's contact the background dancer from Pitbull's "I know you want me" video.  Sagia Castañeda:

just because she is sooo crazy hot.  She is so hot that I spent $1000 on the Spanish Rosetta Stone just in case I ever meet her.  Oh, but she's not as hot as my girlfriend tho...(lo siento Miss Castaneda, Ella lee mi blog...llamame coña)

We could get Rufus the Stunt Bum involved

He'd be be our on-set coordinator, make sure everything is portrayed accurately. And, naturally, he'd do bum stunts.

Lastly we just need to score a big name Director to garner attention...like a Peter Jackson.  Or Clint Eastwood who could make this so gritty you'd be spittin' it out as you left the theater.   Maybe we could go real stylistic and get Q.T.?  Doesn't matter much because there won't be much to direct, this is the kind of story that will just tell itself; this is the kind of story that has been waiting to tell itself.  There's only one director I want to stay away from and that is Ron Howard; I don't want this project to turn into a dramatic tear-jerker.  There's no crying in bum fights.