GHANA, A PLACE FOR PEOPLE OF ALL COLORS

So USA was defeated today by Ghana ending their impressive run in the world cup which no Americans really cared about. Chalk one up for Ghana. GHANA ------- USA -=--▐ So now all the American soccer players are headed back home to America. And Ghana advances further...but eventually will return back home...to Ghana. GHANA ------USA --=-▐ ------------▐

NEW WAVE OF AL-QUAEDA: THE TORTOISE TERRORIST

ATLANTA (AP) -- A caged, 2-inch turtle traveling with a 10-year-old girl caused a crew to turn around a taxiing plane, take the girl and her sisters off the flight and tell them they couldn't bring their pet along. Rebecca said the three were led onto the jetway and told they'd have to get rid of the baby red ear slider -- named Neytiri after the princess in the movie "Avatar" -- if they wanted to reboard. "I asked, 'What do you mean get rid of it?' and they said throw it away," she said. "I was very sad, and I felt bad for my littlest sister because it was her first pet and she was planning to take care of it herself." The sisters threw the animal and cage in the trash and returned to their seats crying Tuesday after AirTran Airways employees on the jetway said they couldn't care for the turtle while their father drove to retrieve it. That shit was COOOOOLD BLOOOOODEEEEDDDEDEDED! Hey little girl, you know that turtle you love? Trash it. Now, or you'll never see your parents again. But hey, that's life post-9/11. No fucken chances. Who knows what that turtles been doing while it flies under the radar as "just a turtle"? Sure, there's no proof that Neytiri spent anytime in a Pakistani al-quaeda terrorist training camp...but is there any proof that she didn't? Neytiri could be a sleeper-shell just waiting to get activated and bring that whole plane down. Then again, if a plane load of people aren't fast enough to react to a turtle lighting its shoe on fire then maybe a little Darwinism is in order. But this story does end up having a happy ending, as the turtle and girls were reunited two days later because some airport workers, surprisingly, have souls. Now of course 'you-know-who' gets involved: The sisters' mother reported what happened to animal rights group PETA, which sent a letter to AirTran demanding an investigation and disciplinary action PETA, shut the fuck up. No one cares. PETA is a bunch of phonies anyways. There VP Mary Beth Sweetland takes diabetes medicine that was created using testing on animals. Old Sweetie says that "i need my life to fight for the lives of animals." Marrryyyy.....Never shit a shitter!

BABY SAMBA DANCE

Is that a grown man in a baby costume? No child young enough to wear diapers can move like that, right? He can't piss into a bowl but he can table dance? This child is gifted. However...Something about this video is fishy...No one is laughing in the background, they're just barking out orders. This isn't a case of spontaneous samba by a cute kid; this is more like little girl beauty pageant type shit where these two women probably have this kid dancing for 18 hours a day and cattleprod him if he messes up. He probably sleeps in a cage and survives on a diet of dog food and unsalted saltines. Poor lil guy is gonna end up like MJ.

SHOT FOR THE WEEKEND!!!

So I'm thinking that every Thursday I am going to start posting one kind of shot for you to take into the weekend. It's not gonna always be some crazy shit, because I'll run out of ideas after like 3 weeks, and I probably won't keep this going anyway... So I'm keeping it plain and simple. K.I.S.S. = "keep it simple, shithead." This week's shot goes by a few names. It was shown to me as the "IRA." But since I'm not big into Irish politics I call it a few different names. One is "The Leprechaun," because it's green and Irish...plus after too many of them you'll be reduced to crawling around the bar on your knees, making you about the height of a Leprechaun. and the other is my preference: "Lucky Charms" - because it's magically delicious. This shot tastes like mint chocolate chip ice cream, you could almost sip it martini stylie. Ingredients: 1 part Jameson Whiskey 1 part Baileys 1 part GREEN creme de menthe -- you need the green and not the clear liquor. Directions: shake and shoot!

YOU LOSE, RAPIST

(CNN) -- South African Dr. Sonnet Ehlers was on call one night four decades ago when a devastated rape victim walked in. Her eyes were lifeless; she was like a breathing corpse. "She looked at me and said, 'If only had teeth down there,'" recalled Ehlers, who was a 20-year-old medical researcher at the time. "I promised her I'd do something to help people like her one day." Forty years later, Rape-aXe was born. The woman inserts the latex condom like a tampon. Jagged rows of teeth-like hooks line its inside and attach on a man's penis during penetration, Ehlers said. Once it lodges, only a doctor can remove it -- a procedure Ehlers hopes will be done with authorities on standby to make an arrest. "The ideal situation would be for a woman to wear this when she's going out on some kind of blind date ... or to an area she's not comfortable with," she said. First off, who would want to rape a lifeless-eyed, breathing corpse? And secondly, I love how Mizz Ehlers did a lil' impersonation of the rape victim and made her sound like an idiot, "If only have teeth down there". Like that's what I do when I order Chinese food. I drop all my articles and S's. "Yeah, I have four chicken finger, two crab rangoon, ohh-uhhhhh" A professional doctor shouldn't be as ignorant as me. I would have loved to see her say it though, I wonder if she went 'in-character.' But it does sound like this woman has done her homework. She figured out the ideal situations for rape like blind-dates and uncomfortable areas. But I kind of think this whole toothy-vag is gonna be a disaster. If I had to guess, I think at best all this will do is replace all the rape statistics with homocides. If some guy trying to rape a woman gets his dick ripped apart by a booby-trapped vajayjay, do you think he's gonna call it a day? No, he's gonna go bananas and maul the poor woman. OR this is gonna be used to redefine "revenge sex." So when some guy's wife finds out he's been giving it to her best friend, she's gonna lure him into her Temple of Doom. This also caught my attention: South Africa has one of the highest rape rates in the world, Human Rights Watch says on its website. A 2009 report by the nation's Medical Research Council found that 28 percent of men surveyed had raped a woman or girl, with one in 20 saying they had raped in the past year, according to Human Rights Watch. So apparantly they have professional rapists who keep track of their stats? Who answers YES when asked if they have ever raped someone? South Africa is in worse shape than I thought. Also, I don't think rape is funny. Rape is not funny. It's rape. I think these women should all be given guns and bowie knives.

KETEL ONE ORANJE YOU GLAD IT GETS YOU DRUNK?

Well how do you like that? Looks like someone over at Ketel One has been reading the son of fuzzy blog. Because this new ad for K1 Oranje clearly shows a bunch of guys who are BUZZIN, enough with that distinguished gentlemen act from there other ads, Oranje is keepin it real. Real drunk. Look at the guy on the left, he has no idea where he is. His eyes just have that glazed look of drunk discombobulation. Same with the guy on the right, he's got that shitfaced grin on. Then the black guy in the middle is ALL fucked up. His eyes are crossed, looks like he might puke. He's like, "Okaaay, what's the score here? Who are all these white people?" I don't know what the guy they're all listening to is saying, but I hope it's not important because these guys are lit and won't remember shit. But I think this proves my message is getting to the right people. Pretty soon every alcohol ad will be realistic and there'll be huge billboards with crashed cars, lost ATM cards, fist fights, drunken sex and walks of shame. It will be glorious.

FEELIN' THE CHILL WITH DR MCGILL

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN ABOUT! The Doctor doesn't sugar coat it in their advertisements like these alcohol ads. This is the real deal. You do shots of Dr McGillicuddy and theres a good chance you're gonna end up half-naked in inclimate weather and at a huge stadium all alone. Did these guys show up late? Early? Is there even a game going on? Did they break in? Who knows! Who Cares? They're havin a shitfaced party and everyone's invited...bring bail money.

ONLINE PORN IS WORTH MORE THAN SOME SMALL COUNTRIES

8-point-6 BILLION Dollars was how much online-porn earned in 2006 - that's alotta clams! Pun obviously intended, per-usual with edited text. But at least now I can rest assured that I'm not the only one who watches online porn all day. I can finally admit that I can't check my e-mail without ending up with my pants around my ankles. But now this is just proof that computers are basically used primarily for porn. But it kind of all makes sense when you look at it. Think about it; who invented computers? Nerds. As Goober said, “all we think about is sex” I bet when a bunch of people started using computers and went up to Bill Gates and were like “Whoa man, this computer thing is awesome, it can calculate numbers, serve as a virtual typewriter, let me play Mortal Kombat with a friend in Vietnam!" Gate was probably like, “It does what? You know you can watch porn on it, right?” The number is still staggering though, 8.6 billion dollars? I don't even pay for it! I'm all over the 45 second free-previews. So there's enough people out there, not including free-loaders (I'm just firing off the double entendres today!), who actually subscribe to websites and pay for videos? That's insane. That means that the 8.6 billion indicates only a fraction of people who watch it. In a way it makes me sad, I remember the good old days when online porn was for people who had a passion. For the simple, primitive love of whacking off. That dangerous feeling…secret rendezvous… Now it’s all about the business, it's all about money. And speaking of business, Nielsen Online calculated that a quarter of all people in office jobs end up looking at porn during business hours. Example: the guys over at BP who are being accused of looking at porn on the job and being distracted until this oil-spill disaster struck. Funny how NOW the whole world is watching a web cam’s live feed of THEIR pipe spewing loads. Full-circle-of-life-kind of shit…does anyone else have goosebumps? I read this on some site: “The sum of international revenues from pornographic videos, sexual novelties, magazines, "dance" clubs, pay-per-view and Internet was approximately $97 billion - bigger than the NBA, NFL and MBL combined. If you compare porn revenues to Gross Domestic Product, the market value of all final goods and services from a nation in a given year, it is bigger than Morocco” Porn's Gross Domestic Product is bigger than Morocco's, which isn't too impressive because some porn actors are bigger than Morocco. But that is really saying something in relation to other forms of entertainment, just think of the amount of merchandise that sports leagues put out there to make their revenue. It's not like there's porn-jerseys and Fat-Head wall stickers. And what kills me is that The Internet, despite porn's obvious prevalance, still kind of tries to hide porn like a dirty secret. The gig is up, everybody knows! Like when you try to look for online porn on Google, Google acts like it has never heard of porn before. Like they're the guys who work in head shops that you go to to buy a glass pipe and he has to act confused at first to make sure you're not a narc. Go to google.com and type in "online p" in the search bar. Then Google tries to finish your search query for you and is all like "What are you looking for? Online piano? Online poker? photo shop? puzzles, pregnancy test, pokemon? Whaddya want kid?" Then you type in "online porn" hit 'enter' and all of the sudden Google is like "OHHHH, yeah well why didn't you say so?” They flip a switch and all this porn drops down behind them, music starts playing and they start doing little creepy dance moves behind the counter: "Online Porn? Here's a couple billion hits. You want it, I got it: youporn, pornhub, redtube, spankwire. fuckmonkeys. zoogasm. the erik prydz "call on me" video." Google is a creep.

whoa, WHOA, WHOOOAAAAAA, YEEEEEAAHHHHAAAAAY!!!!

I would give anything to have been at this game, at this moment. This has to be a candidate for one of the best viral videos out there. Short and sweet. Simple yet awesome.

TWO TEAMS ENTER. ONE TEAM LEAVE

Nate Robinson + Glen Davis = Master Blaster

AMERICA IS GOING DOWN THE SHITTER

That's a baby. These Armenian bitches are still gonna live in Miami and act like teenage girls with a fuckin baby waiting at home? Get a clue. Look at her just standing next to it, like if she held the thing it'd throw off her outfit's concept. Maybe this pisses me off because of the Turkish blood that I have coursing through my veins. The Turks and Armenians have loathed one another for thousands of years, leading to violence and war, so maybe I'm predisposed to hating Armenians. On a sidenote, I wonder which of the sisters American people see as the representative Armenian woman. Like some people probably want to go to Armenialand because they think all their women will look like Kim/Kourtney. But then other people probably think all the women will look like Khloe. Hmmmm

FINALLY, AN HONEST POLITICIAN

Alvin Greene has been on the phone all day. That's to be expected for the guy who just won South Carolina's Democratic Senate primary and is facing incumbent Republican Jim DeMint in November. But everyone calling Greene has just been trying to find out who the heck he is — and one thing reporters learned Tuesday is that a criminal complaint was sworn out against him last year for allegedly showing obscene photos to a South Carolina college student and suggesting they go to her dorm room. Greene, a 32-year-old unemployed military veteran who lives with his parents, defeated Vic Rawl on Tuesday for the Democratic Senate nomination despite having run essentially no public campaign — no events, no signs, no debates, no website, no fundraising. The result has baffled political observers, who had heavily favored Rawl — a former state legislator, attorney and prosecutor who had the edge inasmuch as he actually campaigned and tried to win. Many in South Carolina (which has grandly lived up to its reputation as a political circus this year) suspect that somewhere, a crafty GOP political operative is snickering. As far as the local political press can discern, the only positive step Greene took toward campaigning was when he plunked down a $10,400 check in March to satisfy the state's filing fee and get on the ballot. He never registered a campaign committee with the Federal Election Commission or filed a financial disclosure with the Senate Ethics Committee. So why did he run, and how did he win? "I campaigned," Greene, who spoke rapidly and seemed distracted, told Yahoo! News in a brief interview. "It was a low-budget campaign. I funded it 100 percent out of my own pocket, and kept it simple — it was old-fashioned." Asked what, precisely, that campaign consisted of, and how much he spent on it, Greene demurred. "Not much. I had friends helping me." He said he hasn't yet reached the $5,000 spending limit that triggers a requirement to file with the FEC, despite having spent that $10,400 filing fee (a pretty penny for someone with no job). Like any good politician, Greene tried to deflect questions about the particulars of his campaign to talk of "the issues." "I graduated from the University of South Carolina," he said. "We have more unemployment than any other time in South Carolina history. Hold on, I have another beep." Shortly after his Yahoo! News interview, the Associated Press reported that Greene was arrested in November on the obscene photo complaint. Charges are pending, and he hasn't entered a plea. One could, of course, note that such charges wouldn't necessarily hurt a candidate in a Palmetto state election season that's featured plenty of sensational sexual charges. I LOVE it. Alvin walks in, "Hey I'm the new Senator, oh and here's some obscene photos. Dig it." This guy shows up from nowhere, wins the primary and just plunks down a load of dirty laundry. He is ahead of the game, he didn't wait until he was in office, he just brought the sex scandal right in the front door on his first day of work. Love him or Hate him, this guy is the new breed of politician. The everyman...if every man were unemployed and lived at their parents' house. You can tell somethings up here though, whether he is a plant from Republicans, (black pol trying to get votes down south, tips the vote towards the white republican), or he's just in over his head. Greene has no idea what's going on, read the interview with Yahoo, he's like, "well lots of people don't have jobs and live at home, and my room is in the basement and kind of like a studio so it's not that bad, but I still try to take my ass back to her place..." SNAP OUT OF IT ALVIN, you're a politician man. That's how they rock things, stop with the excuses. You're like a Kennedy, they all lived in the same house their entire lives. Fucken A man. The only thing that has to happen for me to keep liking this guy is that when he gets questioned about the obscene photos, he doesn't try to dodge it. Take it on the forehead and be honest: "Yes, I showed some porn to a chick. Then I suggested we go back to her place and screw. Why the hell we talking about this when the unemployment rate is at an all-time high? Next question?"

WHITE PEOPLE HATE ANGRY BLACK MEN?

(CNN) -- Here's proof that President Obama has indeed ushered in a new era in race relations. Who would have ever expected some white Americans to demand that an African-American man show more rage? If you've followed the Gulf of Mexico oil disaster, you've heard the complaints that Obama isn't showing enough emotion. But scholars say Obama's critics ignore a lesson from American history: Many white Americans don't like angry black men. White Americans don't like angry Black Men? What America'chu talkin bout, Willis? Because in MY America men like Denzel and Samuel Jackson run the show. They make me feel good when they yell and get pissed off. They fuck up the bad guys. They make me feel comfortable with the word "nigga," which I use way more than a white kid should...like in a good way, MYYY NIGGA!...and of course when there's no black dudes around. Look at NWA, Niggas With Attitude, find me one white hip-hop fan who doesn't know every lyric to Boyz in the Hood...jocken the bitches, slappin the hos. White America loves angry Black Men. (but we're still not completely at ease, like see how I capitalized Black Men, I feel like I'd be accused of disenfranchising the Black Man if I took their "capital" away) But I do think that I agree with the "some white Americans" on this one, I want a more "colorful" attitude from Barry O. Next time he gives a speech I want him to grab the mic and say: Then hold the mic at arm's length and just drop it and walk away, maybe make a white guy flinch and smack his bitch's ass. I mean in terms of politicians, BO has shown more than enough emotion, look at this oil spill: He rolled up his sleeves, he stood around in front of cameras (out of range for the mic to pick up sound) and pointed at things and shook his head, he said he wanted an ass to kick. I don't get what more they want? It's the lesson Obama absorbed from his upbringing, and from an impromptu remark he delivered last summer. Yet it's a lesson he may now have to jettison, they say, as public outrage spreads. "Folks are waiting for a Samuel Jackson 'Snakes on the Plane' moment from this president as in: 'We gotta' get this $#@!!* oil back in the $#!!* rig!' But that's just not who Obama is,'' says Saladin Ambar, a political science professor at Lehigh University in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. Some of the same people crying for Obama to show more emotion would have voted against him if he had displayed anger during his presidential run, says William Jelani Cobb, author of "The Substance of Hope: Barack Obama and the Paradox of Progress." "It would have fed deeply into a pre-existing set of narratives about the angry black man," Cobb says. "The anger would have gotten in the way. He would have frightened off white voters who were interested in him because he seemed to be like the black guy they worked with or went to graduate school with -- not a black guy who is threatening." That just sounds so racist, he says "black guy who is threatening" like it's not a stereotype but like a per-usual character trait of every black guy.

I WANT MORE REALISTIC ALCOHOL ADS

I don't think I've every casually drank vodka. I don't sit down in my armchair, pull out a leather bound book and then sip vodkas. Look at the Ketel One ads, a bunch of well-groomed guys, older business type sitting around... "Gentlemen, THIS is Vodka." Why don't they show what really keeps that business going. Show a bunch of 19 year old kids in the woods, sitting around on a stolen park bench looking at a fire, and one kid can barely stand and he's saying, "GUYS!!! Yuu gahtta chech isss out! Thizziz vodk--(PROJECTILE VOMIT)" Because that's what really goes down. Then there's the Heineken ads, "Make a name for yourself" I saw a guy at the bar drink Heineken all night and he ended up throwing up on a group of older women. Way to make a name for yourself puke-boy. And the Captain Morgan ads where everyone is arriving at the beginning of the party, and some fat guy is standing at the door taking everyone's car keys making sure no one drinks and drives. How about you make a sequel to that commercial where it's that party at 2am and that fat guy is polluted with alcohol and loads up the cars to go for a late night Wendy's run and drive into a tree, they can make that commercial's slogan "Got ALOTTA Captain in ya?" That's what needs to happen to make these more realistic, is to show the people AFTER alcohol consumption. And not after "drink-responsible"-consumption, because that doesn't even exist, I think it's an oxymoron. That's the biggest load of shit in all of marketing, Bud Light wants people to drink responsibly? What's that 2 beers a night? They'd go bankrupt! I'm gonna brew a beer and make the slogan, "Drink until you lose your sense of time" because that's how I drink and I'm not gonna perfume it with false promises.