CRASH KINGS WILL ROCK YOUR FUCKIN SOCKS OFF

The Crash Kings are coming to play Boston's EARTH FEST, a free festival on May 22 (Saturday @ 11am-5PM) This band is full of super nice guys with an amazing musical range. When they step on stage you'll notice there's no guitarist, and no he didn't get shitfaced the night before and go M.I.A. he just doesn't exist. The lead instrument is a clavinet with a whammy bar that Tony Beliveau plays the hell out of. Tony, and brother Mike the bassist, are originally from Andover (and I think the drummer is from Easton?), so this is a local band. You can quote me on this: This band will be one of the top bands in the States within the next year. Their 2nd CD will be killer. "Mountain Man" is a sick song, and it sits at #1 on the US Alternative charts, as well has peaking pretty high on a number of other charts. The first time most people hear this song they will think of Jack White with Bonham drums...to have people hear that kind of sound in your music and then go onto have the other sounds like these tracks below is pretty versatile. This is their next single, You Got Me. This is going to follow Mountain man right to the top Then this tune "1985" is a no-brainer to have as a third single, it's the kind of song that has you singing along halfway through the first time you listen to it, without even knowing what the hell lyrics your singing. And this song really showcases what the clavinet brings to the band's sound. A lot of bands come out and fall flat because they can't play live like how they play in the studio. Tony has said that the Crash Kings vision from the very beginning was to have a huge live sound. And thanks to Tony being a child prodigy on the keys, it sounds great live as well as recorded in studio. But this is my personal favorite track, "My Love" sounds like The Beatles, more McCartney with Wings. This song SHOULD be a single, but America is all about More Rock, Less Talk.

PATRIOTS POLISH CONNECTION

In Day Two of the NFL Draft, the New England Patriots selected Rob Gronkowski from the University of Arizona. He was the 10th pick in the second round I'm really excited about the Pats taking Gronkowski, even though I know nothing about him. I am just hoping to God that there is some kind of trick play that happens this year and kicker Steve Gostowksi takes a direct snap on a fake field goal and throws a game-winning TD to Gronkowski and as the announcer is trying to describe what's happening, his head just explodes.

HONG KONG DELIVERY MEN FORGOT TO SWEEP UP

I took this pic with my cell phone last night. That stuff I circled in red is fur. Long, voluminous, domestic animal hair-fur. Coincidence that it is in the Delivery Truck parking space out front of the Hong Kong? I'm pretty sure it belongs to whatever they make the General Gao Chicken out of...or as I call it the Generally Not Chicken. Time to take that Lost & Found poster down.

NETFLIX ANONYMOUS

You log onto your computer, you create a DVD queue, one DVD is mailed to your house, you watch it, you put it back in the mailbox, someone takes it away, and then a new movie arrives by mail in 1-2 days. What I just detailed may not seem like a horrific addiction, but that's just what it is. Netflix should be against the law. It has made me such a counterproductive slouch. I just lay in bed all day waiting to hear the mail slot hinge open. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna end up like the Sloth victim from the movie Seven: No, I'm only kidding about laying in bed all day...you see, I have to lean forward and sit up to play by XBox Live---(gripes)----But XBox is a laugh riot, given my odd schedule of random class hours and night shifts, I'm usually online during the day playing against all kids (which has made my Kill:Death Ratio pretty solid) and it gives me a kind of insider's viewpoint to America's Youth, Our Future Leaders. Which, from my observations, all have lisps and ADHD. And they're all violently hateful. I have heard hate speech on Xbox Live that would make Hitler blush. I'm not even joking either. Like remember how people flipped when South Park first aired and the language coming out of these 3rd graders' mouths was so obscene? REAL 3rd Graders make Cartman sound like a Teletubby. For those of you who don't have XBox live, here's is the closest I could do for an example...and the kid in this video could be described as sedated compared to what I've heard:

LET THE MAN PUSH HIS BEEF!

I just found out that Ben Roethlisberger has his own brand of beef jerky and so now I see what has been going on. Because with all these allegations of sexual misconduct being thrown at Roethlisberger I was starting to think that maybe they were true. There was a definite trend, I mean his Wikipedia.com page even has a section titled "Sexual assault allegations" that goes on to have several MORE sub-sections. Like this guy was the biggest piece of classless shit in the world. But it was all just a big misunderstanding! Obviously these "incidents" were just part of Ben's aggressive marketing campaign aimed to grab women and convince them that his beef jerky is the most soft & tender beef jerky you can buy! You can blame a guy for a lot of things but you can't blame a guy for trying to push his beef! Pff, I knew that was all crap. Big Ben exudes class:

VERMONT, GETTING PRETTY LIBERAL WITH OUR GRAMMAR I SEE...

Illinois loves Vermont? I'l heart Vermont? I Lheart Vermont? I've spent some time trying to figure this and the best I could do for it was that they were trying to make the words Love and Vermont amalgamate because they share the letters 'v' and 'e.' Think "LOVERMONT." It's either that or this was personally made and it says, I Love Rmont and Rmont is maybe some kind of ethnic name? I don't know, does anyone want to comment and tell me exactly what's going on with this bumper sticker?

STATUS UPDATE: I WAS RIGHT!

Well, when you're right, you're right. And unfortunately, I was right about my Facebook.com post: NEW YORK (CNNMoney.com) -- Facebook, the world's largest social network, is set Wednesday to unveil changes at its f8 developers conference that have already caused a stir. Though Facebook hasn't officially announced any new features, hints have emerged about what will be included. One of the more controversial changes: Facebook is expected to announce that it will start providing users' personal information to some select third-party Web sites. Now it looks like Facebook.com is going to take all your preciously private personal pinformation (had to keep that alliteration going) and give it to any third party site who wants to buy it. Freedom for sale! What are some possible "third parties," you ask? Ummm, a terrorist network, that's what. Who else? Neo-Nazis? Perhaps. Pedophiles? Definitely. This is straight from the Ministry of Bullshit, man! And I know that everyone thinks I’m crazy, but I’m not. But I can tell you all think it by the way you are all always staring at me then you look away suddenly when I turn my head to catch you…but I will catch you. And I’m not crazy... Anyway, look, if you all have no problem with an America that has Junior Anti-Sex Leagues and Brotherhoods and TVs that watch you and electrocution machines that go up to 10 then you're heading in the right direction. But I like my sex. I like being the watcher in my relationship with TVs. I don't like getting electrocuted. And I like sex. So let's send a little message to Mark Zuckerberg, if he even exists, and say, "Fuck You, Man." except let's make it more eloquent and more detailed, if possible.

UNBORN JUSTICE

(CNN) -- An anti-abortion activist convicted of killing a Kansas doctor faces 25 years to life in prison when he is sentenced today. Scott Roeder testified at trial that he killed Dr. George Tiller to save the lives of the unborn. I am not 100% sure which side I am on of the abortion fight. I could be Pro-Life or I could be Pro-Choice. I have just, honestly, never had to give abortion much thought, you know? I just give the chick a few hundred bucks and then forget about it. But I guess my biggest question here: What if the unborn lives that this guy says he was saving were those of pacifists or monks or hippies. These kinds of people wouldn't want to have someone killing in their name. Scott, I think someone needs an ego-check... And a little sidenote, "Unborn Justice" is a great phrase that I just coined. That could be an awesome movie about some baby that went Rambo all over everyone's asses after it survived an abortion. I can already see the tag-line: You're gonna need a bigger wire hanger. (CUE: RATM - Killing In The Name Of)

BOSTON MARATHON

No, this picture isn't of a dictator shooting at starving, emaciated villagers--it's just the start of the Boston Marathon. Those people are emaciated by their own choice. And go figure; a Kenyan won it again! I just drove home from work at 3a.m. and I'm pretty sure I saw an American still running. Why the fuck can't we win marathons? It's just not our thing, I guess. I'd say that the only advantage we Americans have is that we don't have to go home to Kenya. So I suppose we kind of win anyway. cue: AMERICA, FUCK YEAH! and just in case your wondering, the "American Fuck Yeah" song IS my ringtone. So when I'm in line at the post office and I get a phone call I don't pick it up, I just let it ring and go to voicemail so everyone near me hears the song in its entirety...just in case anyone was wondering about how patriotic I am. Eat your heart out Sarah Palin.

iSMUG ASSHOLE

(CNN) -- Around the world, how far can you get with $10? We asked CNN iReporters around the world to see what they could get for $10. Some stocked up their pantries, others took mini-vacations, and a few decided that the very best way of all to spend $10 was to give it away. "Giving a helping hand is more fun than buying more stuff," wrote Brian Bossard, who donated the money to United Way in Butte, Montana. What a smug asshole. Hey Boss, the idea was to see how far you could stretch 10 bucks in this economic climate not to make everyone else who participated look like selfish pricks. I can only imagine how much everyone immediately hated this guy when they start showing off the cases of beer, cowboy hats and a paddle-ball toys they bought for 10 bucks and then Brian walks in dropping the "Myaa, I gave mine away because that's more fun and rewarding to me than buying things for myself.." Just shut up, man. Everyone hates you. You completely missed the purpose of the exercise. Jerk off.

RICKY MARTIN IS GAY! STILL.

A week and a half ago I saw a little blue link on a news website and it said that Ricky Martin had come out of the closet. I actually thought it was one of those "This Day In History" blurbs but then someone today was talking about it like it was a new development. Really? Did no one else know that he was gay? Because I knew. I'm talking I knew back in '99, at the latest, when he was shaking his bon-bon on my gay-dar. Now I'm kicking myself that I didn't call TMZ with that information, could have got paid! Ricky's music screamed gay. What first tipped me off was when I listened to his song "She Bangs" which is an attempt at sexual innuendo. Now, I don't know if you've ever been around a Latino guy but they have much more colorful language to describe sex. "She bangs" is exactly what a guy who has never had sex with a female would say goes down in heterosexual intercourse. He sounds like a virgin middle schooler talking about females. "Oh yeah, first you kiss, yeah then you touch her boob until you get a boner, then you get her clothes off and then...she--bangs?" But what should have been the most obvious giveaway was Ricky's pensions for ass-to-front beach yoga with his muchacho,

GOOD OL' SUBTLE RACISM

This poster from UMB might as well just have read, "Stay at Home When Asian"...You know, better yet, just stay in Asia during flu season. Then you got the black guy coughing everywhere. And the good white person is washing their hands, because Cleanliness is next to Godliness. This reminds me of Highlight magazine's Goofus and Gallant cartoons but racist. And I would give the creator the benefit of the doubt, maybe the white person had the best looking J.P. Prewitt-hands, and the black guy was the best actor, and the Asian chick was the best looking one of the three...but that's like the perfect storm of beneficial doubt. So I'm blowing the horn on this one.

MCDONALDS SINKS TO NEW GREASIER LOW

This is about as low as I've seen McDonalds go. With the nation's focus on health care and therefore ways to fix the health of a very unhealthy nation, McDonald's puts the lovable cartoon bunny in front of their spot to try and hook little kids on their fattening grease. America is about a fat a nation as there is. I bet if you went to the next galaxy over and found the fattest nation in their system (think Jaba the Hut) and brought them to the Cheesecake Factory they would have to bring home leftovers in intergalactic doggy bags. What's up doc? You're risk for heart attack, that's what's up.

SHOW BOMBER JOKE ON FLIGHT

So, just to set the record straight, That is that THE worst joke of all time, right? An olive skinned man on a an airplane said he was lighting a bomb in his shoe? If I was olive skinned, or even had a dark enough tan, I wouldn't even wear shoes to the airport.