THE DEATH STAR OF ASIAN AUTOMOBILES

So walking to work yesterday morning I stumbled upon this death machine.  An Asian bistro on wheels. If there's anything scarier than one Asian behind the wheel of a car it's an entire Chinese food restaurant's staff behind the wheel.  I think this may be the crux of ALL Boston traffic.  But to give them some credit, they did nail the park job.

I think the name could use a little work, I'm thinking 'The Parking Lot Wok,' just something with a little more zip to it. Either that or 'Road Kill Grill.'

But you know what? I'm probably gonna the food.  I'll try anything once I guess.  Just gonna be sure those are grill marks on the boneless sparerib and not tread marks.

DO THEY KNOW IT'S CHRISTMAS TIME AT ALL

Okay, it's officially Christmas here on sonoffuzzy.blogspot.com. I don't care how many wreaths are hung, how many times i hear Mariah Carey's 'All I Want For Christmas,' or how many Salvation Army collectors I ignore.  None of it matters.  Because there is only one TRUE sign that Xmas has arrived and that is when the first Baby Jesus Theft of the year occurs!

And guess what...:


"BOSTON -- The baby Jesus has been stolen from a nativity scene in Ayer, and police are asking for the public’s help.

The figure was stolen from St. Mary's Church at some point on Sunday or during the overnight hours into Monday morning, according to the Lowell Sun.

Church officials said they just want the figure back; no questions asked.

Anyone with information should contact St. Mary's Parish at 978-772-2414 or police at 978-772-8200."



Time to start Christmas shopping.

LIVE FOOTAGE OF THE ASIAN DYNASTY, ER- I MEAN FAMILY, MOVING INTO THE HOUSE NEXT DOOR

Classic Quincy, MA.  Where we out-Asian Asia.

And, No, that's obviously not Live Footage of the house next door so for a more accurate visual try and picture twice as many people fitting into a house.

On the upside, at least they put a pool in the backyard:

ENTHUSIASM HAS NO PLACE IN SCIENCE

Headlines are supposed to be attention grabbing, I understand this.  But when a headline exclaims that scientists have found evidence that leads them to be 95% sure a big foot exists, you better have a fucking big foot to show me because you just created some big shoes to fill.

But no.  Of course there's no big foot.  Here's the article that I found after said headline:

"Scientists and yeti enthusiasts believe there may finally be irrefutable evidence that the ape-like creatures roam the vast Siberian tundra, reports the Guardian."


Just to stop you here for a minute, yeah they did say "scientists and yeti enthusiasts."  That is your fucking source on the "Do Yeti's exist?" debate.  A Yeti Enthusiast.  What's he gonna sit there with his Chewbacca mask on and be like, "Eh, yeah ya know despite being a confirmed yeti enthusiast I just don't really think they exist. Oh and I'd also like to add  "

OF COURSE A YETI ENTHUSIAST IS GONNA THINK THEY EXIST.  but here's the rest of the article about from the Yeti convection:


"A team of over a dozen experts. from as far afield as Canada and Sweden, have proclaimed themselves 95% certain of the mythical animal's existence after gathering for a day-long conference in the town of Tashtago in the Kemerovo region, some 2,000 miles east of Moscow. 


In recent years locals there have reported sightings of yetis, also known as the abominable snowman.  The Kemerovo government announced on Oct. 10 that a two-day expedition the previous weekend to the region's Azassky cave and Karatag peak "collected irrefutable evidence" of yetis' existence on the wintry plateau. "


Conference participants came to the conclusion that the artifacts found give 95% evidence of the habitation of the 'snow man' on Kemerovo region territory," read a statement. "In one of the detected tracks, Russian scientist Anatoly Fokin noted several hairs that might belong to the yeti," it added. 


The group also discovered footprints, a presumed bed and various other markers. The scientific community has historically disputed the existence of the yeti given scant conclusive evidence. But numerous sightings of such creatures have been reported in Himalayan countries and in North America, where it is know as sasquatch or Bigfoot." 


Yeah, so that's how my days going.  Talk about a let down...friggin Enthusiasts.  This Yeti Realist is gonna go watch Harry and the Henderson and keep on hoping.

by the way, Harry is a son of fuzzy comedy blog enthusiast, he reads every day even if I don't post. you should too:

 

VAGINAPEDE. IT'S MORE LIKELY THAN YOU THINK

So this ad popped up on my computer screen.  This just had to be shared. I got nothing. But hey, at least I don't have centipedes in my vagina.

TIME FOR JUSTIN BIEBER TO GET ANOTHER HAIRCUT BECAUSE HE AINT THE BABY DADDY

Now I don't usually follow celebrity gossip but it's pretty huge news that Justin Bieber was not the father of that deranged woman's baby (who accuses a 15 y/o virgin of being the father of their baby in the first place? amateur) I could give a a flying fuck either way but I really had hoped that the entire situation had ended on the Maury Show because that would have been the best Not The Father Dance EVER. capital PERIOD.

I thought it was gonna happen.  Everything seemed in place, the stars were aligned but then nothing.  The last time I was this disappointed was when Michael Jackson didn't do a Not The Pedophile Dance, although he did give us a tease.

But you know it's not my style to leave any readers feeling cheated so I've compiled some of the top Not The Father dances of all time.

To start, let me get this one thing out: LADIES - DO NOT DANCE WHEN YOU FIND OUT HE IS THE FATHER. You're already on national TV trying to find out what man is the father of your baby, and for those not good at reading in between the lines and also unfamiliar with the menstrual cycle, That means she fucked (*fucked, not "had sex") with like 4 guys in one weekend.  This baby's life is already shitty but now its existence is being marked with a Stanky Leg on National Television. C'mon lady.




But onto the good stuff.  Now I've never been told "You are NOT the father" so I can only imagine what they feel like but obviously there's no being all calm and cool about it.  The "Act Like You've Been There Before" philosophy gets thrown out the window here.  You have to go all out.  Let's begin with a personal favorite,

The Not The Father Backflip. I LOVE this one.  Guy just backflips after finding out that the sprout wasn't from his seed.  AWESOME!  And how much would you bet that this guy had never even tried a backflip before, like he was just so psyched that he figured  "spontaneous flip time" and he somehow landed it.




This next guy below here is pretty cocky.  Notice how he shoots out of the chair before Maury even finishes.  He hears "You are--" and he just decides fuck it, I'm dancing.  Confidence always gets you points.




This next one is a gem.  Wilbur doesn't really execute too many maneuvers aside from the ass shake but, Hey, when you got your move, You got your move.  Not only does he bump n grind on the mother of someone else's child but he also asses the motorized scooter off the stage.  (and on a side note, how funny would it be for someone to chase after you in a scooter for emotional support.  "Don't cry, come back, I'm here for you! [Vrrrrrrrrrrrrrr] )



Now this is bar none THE best fucking one, talk about stage presence.  Like this guy busts out moves so good that the Maury Show had to go on a 40-minute break because an impromptu hip-hop show broke out.  Like a serious show.  So serious that some guy got shot which, as everyone knows, is the sign of a truly great hip-hop show.  I bet this guy and the entire studio audience went out after and had a Not The Father BBQ at his house. Damn i wish i was there.

 

The only way someone could top Andrew this would be if you could somehow RickRoll the Maury Show.




And in case you're wondering, Yes, this is how i dance.  It's the only way I know how.

Anyone have any good Not The Father dances that I should have put up here?  Let's see em

"SEVERELY DRUNK" MOOSE-THAT-WAS-STUCK-IN-TREE'S HANGOVER FINALLY SUBSIDES

Must have been some stag party,

Wonder if he was drinking Jaegermeister, would be kind of narcissistic, no?  Jaeger bombs. Fucking jaeger bombs.

There's actually a pretty funny story about how they got the moose out of the tree:

(news.discover.com) -- "I thought at first that someone was having a laugh," he told The Local. "Then I went over to take a look and spotted an elk stuck in an apple tree with only one leg left on the ground."

Johansson initially thought about freeing the distressed animal himself, but its ferocious kicking and size quickly ruled out that idea. Keep in mind that moose are the largest living members of the deer family, with some adults weighing up to 1,580 pounds.

"I thought it looked pretty bad so I called the police who sent out an on-call hunter. But while we were waiting, the neighbors and I started to saw down some of the branches and then the hunter arrived with a saw as well," he said.

Thankfully the hunter wasn't looking for a kill this night, so he and the others did their best to comfort the stuck moose. The local fire department arrived next and came up with a clever solution. They bent the tree so that the now-exhausted moose could just slide out from the branches.

It looks like the moose collapsed on the ground after sliding from the tree. When the emergency services left, Johansson was asked to keep an eye on the woozy animal. After some time, he saw it stand up and slowly leave, although he suspects it's still lurking in the area, maybe hoping for another alcoholic cider kick after the moose's possible "day long bender."

But what they left out is the best part: The morning after.  Some reports I read said the moose spent the entire next morning in bed, shades drawn, wearing sunglasses and pounding G2 Gatorade and ordering greasy calzones and Large hot subs from several take out joints.  He also uttered the famous 7 words, "I'm never ever eating fermented apples again..."

But in the words of MacGruber, "Never ever say...Never ever."

ANDOVER HIGH SCHOOL BASKETBALL TAKES ON ALL COMERS

"(LarryBrownSports.com ) -- At least five members of the Andover High (Mass.) basketball team have been suspended, and two have been expelled for their roles in an alleged hazing incident that took place over the summer.


 Several players from the team attended a basketball camp on the Stonehill College campus in Easton, Ma. early July. At the camp, some upperclassmen allegedly forced younger players to participate in a hazing game where they were forced to eat semen-covered cookies. 


They called the game “wet biscuit,” but it’s also known as “ookie cookie.” The two ringleaders in the hazing were expelled from school. The other participants were suspended and can no longer play sports the rest of the school year. But the punishment doesn’t end there. 


 Andover Police are helping Easton Police investigate the alleged incident. Those convicted of hazing face up to a year in jail and a $3,000 fine. Anyone who witnesses hazing but does not report it faces a $1,000 fine if convicted under state law."

I played plenty of sports and I never once remember any form of hazing this extreme.  I know I read about it enough but I'm just asking what the hell makes you want to feed another dude your semen?  It's not even funny.  We used to trick each other into drinking one another's urine.  Now THAT'S funny.  Other than that the most extreme hazing I was involved with was this one time we gave a kid a Ben Franklin hair cut but even then I felt pretty bad after because he had had a nice flow going.  I don't ever remember anyone even suggesting we force some little kid to eat cum-covered cookies, although one time the cream sauce at a pasta party was a bit too creamy.

So now a few of these kids' futures are fucked.  In this day-and-age of anti-bullying this is permanent record, jail time, felony shit.  Instead of going to college on a sports scholarship they'll probably end up with some shitty job.  And I do mean shitty.  Because the shittiest, most demanding job I've ever had was as a cook and chances are you're not gonna get a job cooking if you have a criminal history that involves whipping up a batch of semen-glazed cookies and feeding them to people. These kids will be working Mike Rowe's Dirty Jobs-shitty jobs.

However, I don't think this incident should come as a surprise to anyone who knows a little bit about Andover High School, those Golden Warriors love human ejaculate.  It's obvious. Take, for example, their last car wash fundraiser:

Or the student body's favorite band:

Or the school store's top selling item:

The evidence was right there in your eye the whole ti-- OOPS! Hold on, i'll go get you a towel.

On a final note, you kind of have to give these kids credit.  I've heard of all sorts of ways to get semen to taste better--although it's usually for the ladies' sake.  Pineapple juice, papaya, cinnamon, cardamom, kiwi, watermelon, celery...the list just goes on. But these kids took the brazen route of simply putting the semen right on a cookie.  Genius. That's keeping it simple right there.